Yesterday I posted about my struggle, deciding whether or not to outsource. I thank everyone who gave me very good advice concerning that decision, which I have not yet made up my mind about. Logical, yes; increased risk, absolutely; potential reward, short term satisfaction; risk vs. reward calculation, undetermined.

What I did not post about yesterday was the reasons why my wife does not want to have sex. This has been going on for years, and I have tried to talk to her about it many times. Once, and just once, she told me that she doesn't like having sex because she doesn't feel good about her body.

Now, I think my wife is beautiful and sexy. I tell her and try to show her this DAILY. However, she thinks she needs to lose weight and I think that is her big hang up about sex, being self-conscious and never truly believing that I am attracted to her just the way she is. She doesn't believe me, and says so daily.

So what the hell is a guy to do in this situation? I am supportive of gym memberships and make sure she has time daily to go to classes that she likes. I try to cook healthy food. I try to be encouraging. But, when my wife says "I want ice cream" every day, what the hell am I supposed to do? If I tell her no when she wants the sweets it is just going to cause a fight, hurt her feelings, etc.

We are in a sexless marriage because she is self-conscious about her weight. She cannot see herself the way I see her, as beautiful and sexy. She will not take the steps necessary make herself feel sexier and more attractive. I won't shame my wife into losing weight, I try to be supportive, I let her know how I feel about her daily, and I know that unless I start having my need for physical intimacy met on a more frequent basis I'm going to be a miserable SOB and it will ruin our marriage. I've been told that I'm the kind of guy that wears his heart on his sleeve, I can't just suck it up and live with a sexless marriage when I feel rejected and unappreciated.

Am I missing something that might help address the root problem here. Is there something I could/should be doing to make my wife feel more attractive and be more interested in sex?
secretlifewa secretlifewa
36-40, M
6 Responses Aug 20, 2014

RDinWA,

I just posted to your first story and your W and my W seem so similar. Re: the weight / appearance issue... I don't think that's the main issue. I could say the same for me / us... I've put on 25 lbs in the 20 yrs of marriage (I was a bit skinny to start with), and my W has put on 20 lbs. (she was also slightly skinny to normal weight). Since I've actually been through the *real* issues in our marriage in over 9 months of counseling... I'd say it's more likely that the reason(s) your W doesn't want to have sex are: (1) lacking a *strong* emotional connection with you, (2) feeling physically tired with 3 kids / after a long day (solution: see my post to your other story: mornings are a great time), (3) your wife not understanding how much of a *need* sex is to a normal/healthy married relationship, (4) physical issues where your W may have a lower libido, and/or (5) physical issues where it may be more challenging for your W to reach the big O.

In my / our case, we had practically all of those issues present / to deal with (although my W never got tested for hormones etc. to determine a lower libido). But, despite all of those issues, with counseling, we addressed those issues and got sex back into our marriage.

Just wanted you to know that (1) it *is* possible to get a marriage turned around, and (2) I once thought about an affair as well (as mentioned in your other story). My marriage isn't perfect, but at this point I'm glad I gave it a shot to turn it around with counseling.

BTW - Getting back to the self image issue, my W doesn't feel the best about her current weight either / self image... but when she decided to start having sex again / realized it's importance... she just kept a nightie on the whole time while having sex. No complaints .... if that's what it takes to turn things around... and quite a sexy look actually. I think women in general are more self conscious than men. I know I'm no movie star, but heck... let's get it on!

All the best.

TL2

You have taken as fact that "why" she doesn't want to engage you is "body image".
That *might* be right, and it might not be right. It is entirely possible that your missus has no idea "why" she doesn't want to engage you and just pulled this excuse out of her arse as the first thing that came into her head that sounded half credible.
-
In any event, "why" she does not want to engage you doesn't greatly matter as it is not a matter that YOU can do one ******* thing about. It ain't your problem to fix. YOU cannot fix it.
-
The resolution to HER problem is her job. And on what you have written in your stories thus far, she ain't interested in doing her job. That, is essentially, the end of the penny section.
-
Your job, is to confront the big question as to whether this is a dealbreaker for you. And, if it is, what you are prepared to do about that.
Some hard, painful choices confront you both if you both do your jobs.
-
Clearly, she is - at this point - very unlikely to willingly roll up her sleeves and get stuck into her job. That's her call, and her call alone.
Bit that doesn't get you off the hook.
You have an equally daunting job ahead of you. Whether you roll up your sleeves and get stuck into your job is your call, and your call alone.
-
Tread your own path.

Unfortunately you cant fix anything unless you have a willing participant.

Your wife has shown fu...ck all desire to be that participant and thrown you happiness to the rats.

Quetsion is how do you plan to deal with this situation.

As i stated yesterday a Visit to a Divorce Lawyer to find out your rights and hash out an exit plan would be a good investment right about now.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

What Mettamoma said! My wife can't use that excuse - she has been a big girl since before we were married. I like BBWs - but I have eclectic tastes.
No sir, big people like to have sex too! She has other reasons that she is not revealing to you. BUT, will the "why" really matter? She may continue to provide excuses until you leave or until you pass away. What difference does the "why" make - the result for you is the same - no sex/intimacy.

Unfortunately, the only person who can change your wife's perspective is your wife, and apparently she isn't willing to do that work. There's also a chance that she's lying to you about feeling bad about her body. She may actually be asexual , gay or not attracted to you, but may feel that you'll be more likely to stay with her (and thereby give her the comforts of marriage) if she gives a false reason than if she is truthful.

What I think you're missing is that you can't change another person. You can change yourself and explore whether it's worth it to you to continue a marriage to someone who doesn't care enough about you to do the one thing thing that makes marriage different from being a roommate.

Whether or not your wife feels badly about her body, she still is not making love to you, and if she loved you as much as you love her, she would not avoid having sex with you.

All I can say is that you're not alone. My wife will obsess about her weight, complain about not going to the gym, eat half a tub of nutella with a spoon, and then wonder why she's not losing any weight.

I too find my wife very sexy, even if she's put on a few pounds, and even if she doesn't want sex with me. Sometimes I wonder if she's caught me checking out skinnier girls, and it drives her self esteem into the toilet.

I don't know if there is much to do at this point. It's her problem, and she's the only one that can solve it.