Never Thought I Would Be Here...

 I 've been married for a long time. Our sex life started to slack off a couple of years ago untill it reached the point of nothing. My husband tells me this is due to an injury he had years before we met. This could be true but here is were I get confused.  He goes to online sex sites and not only looks at pictures and videos but talks to other women.  If he is not physically capeable of making love to me why does he go to these sites? It's been so long since I've even been hugged with any passion I've forgotten how it feels. My thoughts are that he has gotten so lost in these sites he looks at and the women he talks to that sex with me doesn't appeal to him at all. I'm not young anymore or as small or attractive as I once was. I miss the physical contact. I long for it. I've tried to tell him this but it doesn't help. He will give me attention if I ask for it.  Can you imagine how this makes me feel? It is about as personal as asking to have the oil changed in your car. Afterward I feel even worse . I've confronted him about the sites he goes to and the women he talks to and of course he has denied it. He says they are just friends. I've read some of the e-mails he has written and they are anything but something you would write to a friend. We have become like room mates.  He has everything hidden on his computer now so I can't find it which is fine. It just made me angry and hurt when I did read it. I have many years ahead of me and the thought of not having sex again..well what can I do. I have no one that I can talk to about this. I'm to embarrassed to tell anyone what is going on. How do you tell someone that your husband prefers sex with women on his computer to his wife. There is much more to this but will stop here. I'm glad I found this site so at least now I have a place where I can write down my thougts and feelings and hopefully make some friends who will understand. Being lonely is not fun at all!

NightStorm NightStorm
51-55, F
6 Responses Mar 2, 2009

please go to dr phil's internet site and look in the archives under "is internet po*n cheating?". also go to the "i am a woman in a sexless marriage" group on this EP site. you will see that many other women are suffering due to their partners' p*rn addictions. Please read naomi wolf's article on that site, which i think will clear up a LOT of things for you (like why nothing you do will be able to turn your husband on if he has a p*rn problem). the problem lies with him (and has nothing to do with your desirability/attractiveness). NO WOMAN can compete with p*rn. if you try you will just be setting yourself up for heartache and dissapointment (i shared some of my own experiences on that site). <br />
All this said, i have not been able to get my husband to go to therapy either . he has not even read the email i sent him, explaining the negative effects of internet p*rn.... so we are stuck in the same boat! <br />
i am very grateful for this site though. i find that reading other peoples stories (and stories like yours), who are so much like my own, makes me see my own life more clearly. it has made me realise that i am justified in my anger and that my feelings of worthlessness are normal and i am not making a "mountain of a molehill"! good luck to you, girl!

Thanks BigTony you made me smile this morning!

Thanks to all of you for the support. I have actually sought professional help. Hubby would not even consider going! It helped to go but there is only so much they can do. Reflections3 you really nailed it! We've been married 11 years. Second marriage for both of us. Yes he has always been the controlling person in our relationship. My financial situation does not allow for me to just walk away. I want him to love me the way I love him. I want to feel I'm loved and not just another income.

Listen up. Young & Attractive...You only feel that way because of the rejection. It is easy for me to say this to you, but I struggle with it myself. I've got to believe most rejected partners feel as though they must have something wrong. The need to explain is so strong. At any rate, sexual attraction isn't only about physical attraction that is why it is called a long term relationship. I don't know the solution to your problem, but try to maintain your self esteem.

I can't say it much better than Reflections3 did, but it seems that your options (in this order) are:<br />
1. seek counseling together<br />
2. if he won't go, try going yourself<br />
3. I am sure there are many men out there your age or younger (maybe some in sexless marriages) who would love to give you the attention you need. Like Dan Savage says, sometimes you need to cheat to save the marriage.<br />
4. If you decide the marriage is not worth saving...

How long are you married and has your husband always been the controller in your relationship? You are quick to point out your faults; not being young, or attractive anymore ... well, none of us married a long time are any of those things anymore, and neither are our spouses ... your husband is hiding behind the keyboard as he converses with these strangers .. and fantasizing that these beautiful woman would choose him out of a lineup of other sexy men. <BR>You say he gives you attention "when you ask for it" ... now that sounds like my husband ... if I asked too much or counted the time between relations, he would spend some time pleasing me, but then would disconnect like he just changed the oil ... I truly understand this analogy. Your marriage has become all about him .. and he seems to have all the answers when questioned .. and justifys his position.<BR>Seriously consider seeking a personal therapist who can help you sort out the reasons you are living the life you are. You will gain much from the experience and come out from under your comfort blanket and face the reality of the marriage with strength and determination.<BR>In the meantime, you are losing precious time that could be spent with someone who cares about you ... there are a lot of mature sexless individuals doing without. I am not suggesting you do anything outside of your comfort zone, but think of yourself as an attractive more mature woman who has a lot of love to give and receive.<BR>Your husband has found his escape and expects you to accept it because it's good for him .... bull .... if he won't work together on the differences, you must get up and work on yourself.<BR>Blessings for a successful outcome.