Re-Evaluate Reality

Back on 6th February 2009 I wrote a pretty unemotional piece titled "Recognise Reality" in which I outlined that the reality of my situation was that of a "Financial Partner" in a dysfunctional sexless 'marriage', and how I found this situation "Tolerable".

Essentially, my position was that I was useless as a "Unhappy / Resentful /Frustrated Husband" but I could function as an "Empathetic Financial Partner" -  waiting for the other partner to have a lightglobe moment, return to reality and at that point make some rational joint decisions about where we were heading, if anywhere*. Meantime, I'd get on with my life and interests as best I could. It seemed reasonable to me.

And it was, because that was the reality then. Namely, that I was an excellent Financial Partner who could get by without the intimacy, sharing, romantic and sexual parts of the dynamic. I had other interests to occupy me and fill that void.

*(PS a wise lady today told me "if you've said 'when you get better we'll sort out where we are, if we have a future etc, you have provided her with a powerful incentive not to make much of an effort to address her issues")

My my. How quickly things can change !

The reality now, is that I have met someone who has filled that void ! The reality now is that I am still everything I was before this gem "fell out of the sky", plus sharing a relationship (not in ideal circumstances mind you) which is fulfilling that void (that I was only dimly aware was a void for the last few years!) Life is good !

I am still in the same sexless marriage, but I have a different perspective on the possible motivations of my Financial Partner and a plan moving forward to address that issue, from a much sounder base now, due to the "gem falling out of the sky" out of nowhere under extraordinarily fortuitous circumstances.

I am presently dealing with a bit of baggage I've been lugging around for a while too, again from this far sounder base which now has empathy, understanding, support, encouragement and a different perspective. And I LOVE IT !! I am a better person to be around these days in ALL the relationships in my life.

When I first got onto ep, and put up a profile, I tagged myself as a "Total Pragmatist". Well boys, my resignation to that venerable club is in the mail !!! The same wise lady referred to above has suggested to me that I form a "Romantic Pragmatist" Club. Now depending on the response I get, how about we meet at my local pub soon, have a few brews and toast "Karma" !!!!

Smell the roses ep'ers.


PS. Check your "Reality Meter" regularly !!!! 

bazzar bazzar
56-60, M
4 Responses Mar 2, 2009

I'm glad.....its sounds as though your "down time" was much too lengthy, and you were weary of your situation.<br />
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As you you said, it may be be the perfect answer, but you derserve a little reprieve...

Ann Landers once said: "If there are more advantages than disadvantages in a relationship, then you should stay, but if the negatives outweigh the positives, then you should leave." I think that is a simple way to put it. Not easy to leave, but look at the whole picture. If it is salvagable for the benefits, then work at it. If not, get out! Maybe she is looking for an out, but can't make the move. That must be taken into consideration as well. Remember, Baz, sex is wonderful when it is new and unencumbered with daily ritual, but living together and building a life is another matter. Food for thought. I can have affairs for sure, but there are lots of good things in my situation. I just have to decide my own priorities, as do all of us. Not so easy to do.

I am more glad for you than I can say. I too know how wonderful the unexpected bonus of that "special someone" can be. For me too, EP was the catalyst. <br />
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It is amazing, astonishing, delightful, incredible, romantic, fun and nourishes my soul. May you have the same outcomes.<br />
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I'll join your "Romantic Pragmatist" club and drink a toast to karma with you any time you like!! lol!

Go Baz! We joined on the same date and I hope this works out for you. It's amazing how love/affection/sex can rejuvenate a person! <br />
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Keep us posted!