He's So Unhappy

I guess I'm the reason for our virtually non-existant sex life.  My husband and I have been married for 8 years, together for almost 20 years.  I've never been overly affectionate, or intimate.  He is a sensitive, loving man who needs intimacy and affection.  He has tried to tell me over the years that he needs more out of our relationship.  I often would reject his advances because of being too tired, or not in the mood.  Too often.   I guess I never took him seriously enough because now he is expressing extreme unhappiness, anger and resentment towards me.  He is saying things like we are simply incompatible, have nothing in common, that he doesn't care about the things I'm interested in, and vice versa.  I'm very very upset and have told him I will try harder, do better, want to give him what he needs, that I want to be a better wife.  He has said there is nothing I can do to make him feel better right now, that he's just 'not there' yet.  I've asked him to try, he says he's been trying for years and that's when he gets a little agry and tells me how much he resents me, becauise why didn't I ever want to try all those other years when he asked me about this.

I've asked him if he's going to leave me and he said at one time, he's only staying with me because of our young children.  But I continue to ask him if he wants to leave (scared to death of losing him), and he continues to tell me he doesn't want to leave.  I have told him I love him and he wonders aloud if I'm 'in love' with him.  I have said yes yes yes, but he doesn't believe me.  He doesn't know if he is in love with me anymore. 

He says he's trying, and he sees that I've been trying very hard lately.  We went for three motnhs without sex, and I keep asking him to be with me. He doesn't even want to hold my hand right now (says he just 'not there' right now).  He said he doesn't want to have sex with me because he's afraid I'll 'get weird' and think everything is OK. I told him I wouldn't think everything is OK, but that I thought having sex more is a component of our relationship that needs work. He agreed, but wouldn't have sex for the past three months. But said he did really want to, just kept repeating that he didn't want me to think everything is OK when its not.

We had sex this weekend, and it was great. For me and for him, I think. although I've been careful not to say anything to him to have him think I'm being weird, or thinking everything is OK. In fact, he's still very clearly unhappy, and I desperately want to ask him if the sex made any difference at all.  I continue to pursue him, although am generally scared, ashamed and sad for our relationship.

I'll do anything to keep us together, and I want to be a better wife to him. He deserves it. But the question that I desperately want to ask (but am too afraid to ask) is "am I too late?".

 

wobbly2 wobbly2
36-40
38 Responses Mar 2, 2009

For me, it's like reading my own life. My wife and I don't have physical contact at all and it's something I miss and crave. I went through a series of knock backs and occasionally when she did say yes - it was always done in a begrudging way. Truth be known, I stopped asking because I felt like I was forcing myself on her (even though I wasn't) and it actually felt like I was doing something without consent. <br />
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Breaks my heart to think about it. So I stopped asking. Almost a case of self-preservation. Don't ask, don't feel like I'm a rapist. That's how bad it feels. <br />
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I feel trapped. I can't leave because my children are my entire world. But the idea that I could have a wonderful loving relationship with someone else makes me feel doubly worse.<br />
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I hope you find the answer I cannot.

I think its too late damaged done for so long , im kinda in the same situation and i feel the same a lot of resentment , I used to tease her about every Thursday when direct deposit went in the bank thats when my **** was the biggest and sex was the best.... crap man i have gone months and a couple of years ago only had sex 3-4 times in one year. Mid life ,,,dont think so same excuses not inmood kids are around too busy i give up to, im just around for my kids. Counseling is good but everyone i have went to says everything i have tried she has the problem and needs to work on it and that causes more problem.... i feel all im good for is a pay check.

I am very curious about how your situation has played out. Have you been able to fix your marriage or has it ended? Have you managed to get over the lack of intimacy or is it the same as it was a few years ago? Is he still unhappy? Were you too late? Is there any hope for a happy ending for any of the rest of us?

Maybe he got fed up with being rejected by you and is having sex with someone else. He is just staying with you for the kids. Maybe he is having an affair with someone who is affectionate and gives him what he needs. I would give up on saving your marriage just for the kids. It will only hurt them by not giving them a loving environment. If he dosnt love you then move on and find someone who can appreciate you for who you are.

enna30 --- Wow. Just ... wow.

I am a male and have lived thru your situation for 24 years. I do not blame your husband in the least for not trusting your motives, I guess you can tell i have heard all the promises of change before. My wife can go years without sex, and when asked tells me of her desires and that this is all she dreams of. ( sorry my answer is bull ****). I do not believe that people change. You are what you are, was it always this way, for the best part, yes. so in the beginning, her disire was a put up, a front, a lie. Is it fixable, NO.

I agree with enna30. Somehow my wife has assumed that she could keep our marriage intact without sexual initmacy. In a way though, she has evidence, as I haven't left and it's been thirty years this fall. Most of that time I've been in psychological pain. Guilt and a sense of duty has kept me here but also fear of economic loss due to today's attitude that "it's always the guy's fault". I've been the sole breadwinner for those thirty years and for at aleast ten years my wife has been essentially retired whiel I still have years to work. All this and no sex. The love is gone. I've had a roommate and maid all these years. That's it. It's hard to be intimate with your roommate. After a certain point I think it's just too late. If your husband does ask for a divorse, out of remorse I would ask that you not take him to the cleaners.One more thing I will mention that increases the pain all the more for me. I am now at the age when, even if intimacy came back, for physical reasons, and on both sides, it would not come near to making up for the loss of intimacy in youth. It is hard enough for a man to face the loss of youth without having this loss added. This aging process was accelerated a few years ago when i had a severe disease which my sife did help me through. But in many ways I feel it was something she had to do because she feared my losing my ability to work. She often said during my recovery that I needed to get well to get back on the job. Now I am and hse's retired. I see all the days ahead the same as those behind. even if I left now, what woman would be interested - and if they were, it's too late.Women, withholding sex from your husband is devastating.I also want to mention, as a Christian, that I believe the church has failed in this regard, placing all its attention on stressing not having sex outside of marriage, but never mentioning how important sex within marriage is.<br />
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Lilmisssunshine, I wish I could have met someone like you. Every time I see a couple holding hands, or riding bikes together, I tell myself "I'll bet they're having fun tonight.", and wonder if they can see the pain in my eyes.

You have low libido and it is probably due to hormones. Get bio - identical HRT and hubby will be a happy man.

And do not stay together for the kids, it will only lead to abuse and hurt your children.

Ignore all of this. You are the source of his pain, he regrets marrying you because you are sucking the life out of him. Your lack of affection and sexual interest in your husband cuts him off from his very essence.<br />
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You have wasted 8 years of his life. Get a divorce and get some happy pills.

Here's something to think about. If you understand any math at all, there's this thing called the "normal curve." If you understand it, it may make things make more sense, although, this in itself will not make you feel better. <br />
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I'll try to explain it, with fingers crossed, having never done this before. If you take 300 million Americans, divide the group into half, you probably have a group of kids and a group of older people who make up most of one half. Which leaves you with 150 million "sexually viable" adults.<br />
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Given that half of these are probably women, and the other half men, we've now whittled our group down to 75 million. Since we know that sexual activity among adults is at its peak in the mid-teens to mid-30's, and we tend to think that the word "peak" is a kind of all or nothing concept, I would argue that the numbers prove it is not. Out of 75 million possible choices what are the odds you are going to find the "perfect fit?" The "one true love?" <br />
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I'm a male over 15 and over 65... but I'm not going to say how far over. I will say this. I've personally NEVER stopped feeling a strong physical need to have sex at least 2x a week since it has been possible for me to experience it. <br />
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Does this mean I'm oversexed? No. The research is pretty clear. I'm pretty much normal. And this is true of any healthy male, and given the size of the population it means that 75 million men in this country have the CAPACITY to be just like me.<br />
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But wait, here's the kicker. I'm riding on the "mean" or average. In the normal curve people deviate from the mean by going either over or under the "average".... which means that some males are in "need" much more often, and some much less. And don't make the mistake that this is a characteristic of young guys only. Basically, if a male stays good and healthy, he will be viable for a long, long, time. Hell, even in the Bible (Torah) there are words to the effect that Moses was still virile when he was 120. The numbers actually indicate that were I to be out on the end of one side of the mean (number 74,999,99) as compared to number 1, we are going to be really different. And scientists and statisticians have arbitrarily put the greatest "reasonable" grouping 66% (which tends to cluster around the middle) into one large mass and call this one the REAL "normals." (This still puts me at 49,500,000 versus the guy on the other end at 24,750,000). In essence WHOPPING differences exist!<br />
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The problem that occurs in relationships, which we Americans believe were created by Rogers and Hammerstein and Walt Disney, is that we think naively in "happily ever after" terms, when any competent marriage counselor, knows this "just ain't the way it works." As a culture we have a 50%+ divorce rate, and this is among people who are really willing to become committed (no pun intended).<br />
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Europeans wonder, and laugh, about American "hang-ups" about sex, as do most other cultures in the world. We are a WEIRD group when it comes to our expectations. Sadly this causes so much pain. Your story is a pretty common example, unfortunately. <br />
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When I finally came to understand of all of this, it was after 35 years of marriage to a warm and loving woman who simply wasn't willing to be a **** star in bed. It wasn't that she wasn't uncooperative, or that she felt a need to do a "duty." She enjoyed being with me, but as she said once, she got more out of the back rubs and the simple contact than she did out of the sex. <br />
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This often left me empty, or angry, or mean.... or worse.<br />
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For years I thought this was my problem, that I wasn't a good enough lover to "ring her bell." I vacillated though. Sometimes I saw myself as a failure, but then logic would tell me I was doing everything I could and she wasn't responding, which meant that either I was failure, or that she just didn't CARE!.... Wrong on both counts. I did take it outside finally, and found out that I'm one hell of a lover, and that I can ring a woman's bell until her knees turn to jelly.. and I really ENJOY it. But I also learned that the problem wasn't my wife's at all. She simply is what she is. Loving, caring, faithful, patient, enduring, thoughtful.... all of the things one could want in a partner. In addition she is intelligent, still the best conversationalist I know, and is spiritually almost a twin with me. Sex.... she still enjoys the back rubs, but would prefer not to get into the rest of it now, because her arthritis is in her spine and it hurts here. <br />
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I can understand this and accept it. I can accept her for the gift she is. She knew about my venturing off into the "wild blue." He attitude was that if this was my need I should be a big boy and take care of it. Her one requirement was that if I chose to live an "off campus" lifestyle not to expect to have this phase of our life revisited, because she felt my moving elsewhere sexually was much too big a risk for her. At first I was shocked by this, but upon reflection decided she was right.<br />
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Today, do I wander? NO. Do I want to? Sometimes, but usually I think of the gift I have and the desire is put in check. I was never a real Lothario.... more of a choirboy actually, and when I saw what it was like on the "wild side" I decided I wanted none of it. She gave me that chance to make a choice. I took it, and made it. I'm home now, and happy. In fact, I have achieved what few men have... true comfort with who I am and with who she is and with what we are. And I know few American wives who would have had the courage to do and say what my wife did and said to me. I don't know If I would have had the same strength then, but having learned what I learned, I could indeed do it now. Much must be sacrificed sometimes in order to find spiritual truths. <br />
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Bottom line.... considering yourself a "bad match" as a counselor tried to describe my wife and me, may be a big mistake. Look at the bigger picture. Like the old 60's mantra goes... "Set it free, if it comes back... or not, oh well...." <br />
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Your occupation of a spot on the normal curve virtually guarantees that there will be someone who is "normal" but very different from you. This is "life on life's terms" language I'm talking in... and it's ok. Good luck to you. God bless you. Don't let your heart get too heavy, it's obviously a big one but that doesn't mean you must full it with leaden guilt.

I feel for you and admire your determination to understand your husband. But I have to say you had better be really really determined because you have a 'fight' on your hands.<br />
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I'm saying this because your relationship is roughly where mine is at. The difference is that where you are doing your best to save your marriage and resurrect your sex life, my wife just folded - which says to me that she would never have kept it up once she 'hooked' me again.<br />
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Just like your husband I feel very suspicious and even angry when my wife makes a 'pass' at me. Even if her intention is good - I can't stop that 'Where was she in the last 9 years!' thought just rushing through my head. And then there is the deep suspicion: Why is she doing this? Why now? Is this going to last?<br />
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Have pity on your husband: you spend years 'ensuring' he could not enjoy sex with you. Now he is in the position where he actually can't.

WOW- so many thoughts to get your head around- Hmm well as long as there is not a third party I believe you can make it thru this. I am a true believer in staying married. Obviously there was something there to begin with. After all you love him and there are children involved. (a commitment is a commitment) <br />
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I listen to a lot of talk radio about relationships and have been married for 27 years and can say we make things much more difficult then they need to be.<br />
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It is almost too simple but when it comes to men and women. in a nut shell men need to know they are the hero! You know stroke the ego- Women need to know they are beautiful and the one and only! <br />
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What we do to one another is: as women we hold back the ego stoking how strong, handsome, good provider and father etc. and as men we hold back on the kissing and telling of our girl how beautiful-soft -lovely-you get the picture.<br />
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We continue in the vicious circle until neither one of us is happy. When if we would just continue to love as we should it would not get so messed up.<br />
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If it isn't good out side of the bedroom it won't be good inside it either.<br />
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Try letting your guy know how great he is at fatherhood- providing and fixing things. Besides how much you love him. Let him know how great he is in the bedroom too!<br />
Tell him how sorry you are for holding out on him and that scheduling a "sex" night might just be the ticket to getting things on the right track. (Even if you're tired never let him know-it makes them feel well you know-how you would feel if he stood you up)<br />
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Marriage is high tide and low tide you just got to ride out the tide. Hang in there- Love never fails- good luck-

I am glad to see that you are trying and it will improve as you keep on trying. He has not left you in 20 yrs and he is not going to leave you now - you have a man who loves you a lot but got bitter due to lack of affection from you. It's not that he hates you, it's just there is a distance created between you and him, he lost his faith in right as a husband. If 2 people live together and don't share affection and love (sex being an important part of it) it will drive both crazy at times specially the one who has been on the positive. <br />
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My wife and I have the same situation, we are together 17 years now and we have the same kind of relationship where my wife has been behaving in a same you as you have described yours. I tried every possible way to be close but now I don't try anymore after 12 years of rejection, excuses - I feel for her but I resent her out of frustration, wish sometime she will try to be more reasonable. I wish I could make you to speak to my wife.<br />
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Anyway, you are on right track and things will improve. Keep on doing the right thing, it will be good for you, for him, for kids and for your family happiness. Intimacy is a huge part of a happy relationship and most woman ignore this. <br />
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You go girl..

kwwp trying agood man is hard to find and s well its not just about sex you can still be happy together

Your story in many ways sounds like my marraige only I am the one not getting the sex or admiration I need. Our marraige is ending, I've found someone else who gives me that sexual connection. I don't want sex from my husband because I have someone else and don't want him getting the wrong idea about "us" (we are working out the details of our divorce). Unfortunatly when you are a person who needs that affection and needs that sexual connection not recieving it lowers your self-estem, for me it turned me into someone desperate to be what ever he wanted, you feel lonely even standing by the side of your loved one. Feeling sexy and connected is so wonderful I am only now finding that out. I never believed in cheating then I met my boyfriend so I am ending my marraige.

Its never too late try as much as possible to show him how much you care in lots of other ways little notes, texts, make nice meals, romance him again and get to know what he really likes and feels. It is possible to hold on to your marriage and be happy too - I wish you the very best. At the end of the day if you two are meant to be together then it will work! - good luck x

When he tells you that "he's not there" try to say that you are there and can he visit you. You understand that you are not trying to fix everything with one act, but ask if you can start having the acts move forward. Me and my wife, have to communicate every day. we have to have sex at least weekly or I have found that she begins to feel unattractive and we begin to drift apart. That wall was built over time. You have to remove that wall one brick at a time just like it was built. I suggest couple counseling if he is interested. Keep trying. Good luck.

I have a different comment from the flip side. I have bent over backwards for my hb. We have had amazing sex. I'm in my 50's, very attractive, and was happy. I found out he has been going to hookers, escorts, and meeting women on the side for sex for all these years. <br />
It has hur t like hell, but I have finally gotten over it, continue to have sex wilth him because I'm staying in the amarriage for financial areasons, but fell out of love. If I met someone who I found attractive, I would be so there. <br />
Raed the books I've reccomended to you above. They have helped me and my situation. <br />
Take care<br />
Another idea. I found some womens erotica to read which really seems to put one in the mood.

Listen up. I've done a lot of reading on the subject. Sex in a marriage is very important. A good one is Men are from Mars, Women from Venus , and Richard Carlson books. One especially good read was Mars and Venus in the bedroom. Relationships are hard at the best of times. We can chat if you like.

I too used to be so unhappy in my marriage...it seemed that there was a cloud over it that would not ever move. I recently picked up this book and was able to relate to a few things in it. I had so much anger and pain in my heart against my spouse. Hopefully, the book may help someone out: https://www.createspace.com/3397431

Wob, your post is a prime example of how refusers are passive agggressive. Your husband told you straight up that he needed intimacy from you. Yet you came up with lame excuses about how tired you are or how you're not in the mood. As a result, he begins to resent you for your constant refusal of him. Yet here you are wondering if it's too late and how come he's "not there yet"? Stop blaming your husband. Your husband tried to be a good spouse to you, and your response was to reject him. Do you think you're being fair to him? How much rejection can a person take? Don't try to blame your marriage problems on him, he was there for you, but you weren't there for him. And so he's built up all this resentment towards you. Are you surprised????? C'mon now.

Finally another couple just like us. Lilmisssunshine could have been quoting my wife chapter, book and verse. Two quick examples of how each of us puts the the other first in my marriage. <br />
1. The nights I feel the most loved are not the nights where I know my wife is "in the mood". It is effortless to have sex when you start out in the mood. The nights I feel the most loved are when I get mercy sex. Well concealed mercy sex, but mercy sex just the same. Because your partner has to really truly love you to give you mercy sex, especially really good mercy sex. My wife just knows that sex is really important to me, she always has and God bless her, I think she always will. In return I try to do all in my power to make her happy whenever possible. For instance:<br />
2. We did a total makeover on the bedroom. This was totally her idea. As always she was anxious about what it would cost. And as usual, because she always worries about money, we never have to worry about money. So I pushed her hard and said - spend some real money and do it right. Make it just the way you want. I knew it would be more fun for her if I was engaged - so I was very engaged. It took 2 months and 20 sherwin williams sample bottles to pick a paint color. We painted and she hated it. With a passion. I held her, rubbed her back and said "Baby - that was the cheapest mistake you could have made - paint a different color or do the grass cloth wallpaper you were thinking about. Whatever you want. The grass cloth went up - looked fantastic and that was that. Big deal right? Any decent husband would do the same right? Not done yet. Part of the work was to replace the carpet which really was old and worn. So we looked at wood floors. And looked and looked. I never looked bored, I never acted bored. And yes - after floor sample 100+ I was - bored. So what. She wanted to find the perfect floor. Then we did. And we both agreed we loved it. And I REALLY loved it. And then she changed her mind. And I pretended that I had as well. And she picked something I didn't like so much. And I pretended I liked it more. Because the truth is that her "physical environment" is more important to my wife then it is to me. Just like sex is way more important to me, then it is to her. So we each make the effort to talk the others love language fluently. And tha makes all the difference.

I got tired of my approaches being refused, it made me feel small, angry, broke my self confidence etc, so I decided to stop making the first move. As a result we don't have sex, and I have found now that I am not interested any more, which I think is dangerous for our relationship. My wife told her friend that she is lonely, but I am the main one to show any affection. If I didn't kiss her when I got home we wouldn't even do that.

I feel for you and your husband. I am sure your lack of interest in the intimate side of your marriage is due to something in your life and that should have been dealt with years ago. I can also understand your husbands frustration and why at the 11th hour he is turning away from you.<br />
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It seems to me that you have never been very interested in sex, perhaps he should have tried harder years ago to show you how to enjoy it..maybe he did try. If he feels he will be rejected he wont touch you and I am sure he will see your attention of just a way of getting him to stay.<br />
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Sex is making love, doing for each oher what they enjoy, pleasing each other. I was married for almost 42 years..busy stressful life, 2 children...but I can honestly say not once did I turn my husband down...nor he me ! Oh yes I probably made as many first moves as him...why because I enjoyed it and wanted him. Thats what you semed to have missed out on and dont think you will change now.<br />
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I hope you can...but when you approach a man he needs to know that you actually want him..not that you are doing him a favour..thats a right turn off !<br />
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Good luck x

Ya I would say it's yo late. Even if you gave him sex every night now it can't make up for the lost years and the pain he has built up. He should of dumped your selfish *** a long time ago. You expected him to be there over the years for you when you needed him but where the hell were you when he needed you. What goes around comes around sister. Would it of killed you to give him a little now and then or at least a hand or a BJ if you didn't want the full meal deal at the time. Let me ask you one thing if it was the other way around how would you feel?

What would happen if you just asked him to let you give him a nice long massage - and what if you simply said, I am going to love you with my hands, when I am done, if you want for us to make love that would be nice, I would like that, if not, I understand. Just make the offer. And then make him feel loved with your affection - that is ten times better then any verbal apology. <br />
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His momentum/intertia is keeping him with you for the moment. He is trying to get angry enough to leave you. He has not reached escape velocity yet. Each massage/love sex session you have with him will reduce his anger a little. <br />
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I won't comment on your selfishness other then to say this. Please don't say - "I was too tired". This is not an honest comment. And what I mean by that is simple. During all those years you had plenty of energy to do all the things you WANTED to do. And there were plenty of nights where if you had just said "baby I am tired, can I rock your world tomorrow" he would not have felt rejected, he would have felt loved. Men are not stupid. Please don't insult our/his intelligence by saying you were tired. What you might have been was "sexually averse" - possibly because his kindness came across as "weak" to you. The ultimate in female cruelty, deny a man love because he is too nice to you.

Thank you for putting yourself out there, on the high wire. You're an easy target, aren't you? Lol. Our spouses or significant others sound just like you, loving, earnest, well intentioned and I think genuinely surprised at how much anger and resentment can build up, in a bl<x>ink of an eye it seems.<br />
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I've withheld sex with my wife for nine months, mainly because she was just like you, listening but not listening, dismissing my urges and needs, wrapping herself up in a soft, safe world of friends, work and children. <br />
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Sex, meaningful, hot sex requires letting go, taking chances. It's the basis for the book which is highlighted on the main page of EP — Mating in Captivity. I've asked my wife to read the book, which she hasn't. The premise of the book is, a good marriage, with all the love and safety and caring, often leads to these problems when one person's needs are greater than the others. <br />
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One more rant, which your husband is feeling, guaranteed. We hate being right about these things. We hate telling you the obvious and you settling for the status quo. We want to be wrong, that our feelings are misplaced, misguided. But they're not. Everyone on EP is dealing with this. The conflict. Why can't I just let this go? We can't.<br />
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My last piece of advice is this, the same advice as reflections, one of the most considerate and understanding voices on EP. Get into therapy, ASAP. I've had 10 sessions. My therapist recommended a therapist for my wife. Finally, after months, she went and faced her fears. Today, she said, "We have some homework." Lol. I don't want homework. I want my old wife back. I don't think that's ever going to happen but I'm going to listen. Even though my anger and resentment is overwhelming.<br />
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I hope this helps. Again, you've done the right thing by sticking your neck out. Good luck to you.

You are to be commended for your bravery in trying to put things right. I'm sorry if my blunt response was painful - but I appreciate that you acccepted it. Thank you for being graceful in this.<br />
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I hope for both your sakes it is not too late for the changes you are instigating to save your marriage. Please realise though, that if he stays because he feels he OUGHT to (my position exactly), you are not saving a marriage, you are continuing the sham.

oh boy. some of these comments are tough to read but that's what I'm looking for - some insight into what HE might be thinking, feeling and I think a lot of these comments reflect that. Many have asked "why did I neglect him" in the first place, over the years. I really don't know how to answer that. I DO take him, his love and his sensitivity for granted. For that I am guilty. He has asked me the same Question "why didn't I listen years ago when he asked for more". I don't know. I find it difficult to be affectionate. It's a real challenge for me. But I want to try, I want be a better wife and I've asked him to help me. Again, hoping I'm not too late. But his misery and sadness are overwhelming, and a little contagous. One day I'm full of hope, and doing everything I can to touch him, show him how I feel, but he isn't responding or reciprocating (yet). Other days I feel I'm losing hope.

Wobbly,~ I don't understand why you neglected your hubby's needs for so long. You didn't really explain that in detail at all. If you have truly loved him for all these years, why have you not been able to say it until now, when YOU feared he may leave? Why were you taking him for granted, and forsaken him? I'm confused as to why you put so much frustration on your husband. Perhaps you need to go the extra mile to prove to him how much you want and need him. Mamma07 is correct that one of Human beings greatest faults are taking people for granted. It is the hardest value to strongly reflect to others on a daily basis. We need to say and show it daily, not when we feel like it.

Wow. I wish my wife was more like you. Willing to make an effort to really be there...do anything to keep the marriage alive. As to your question...are you too late? The only person that can answer that is your husband....but if i were him i would consider all of your renewed actions as a sign of faith. A sign of new beginings and a sign that you want to be there for him the way he needs.<br />
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My own wife cares little for my needs....and my needs arent so high that they are unrealistic. I need a womans touch in my heart, my mind, my soul and my body. Im not talking 24/7....so so much that when we are apart...i can still feel her touch. Now...the only time i even get a glimpse of that is when she has spent too much, done something wrong....or wants something.<br />
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My advice to you is simple. Be honest. Sit your husband down and lay all of your cards on the table...get two pieces of paper, give him one and ask him to write everything down that he wants and needs out of your marraige and then show each other your answers....find common ground. Find things you can work on....and find things that make your marriage special<br />
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I tried it....and she felt half way inbetween saying to me that it was a waste of time....<br />
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I hope your husband thinks differently

Reflections 3 said it well. I think a 3rd party would help, if both of you trust and are open to working on it. I should say there does come a time of too little too late, where attempts to resuscitate the relationship feel like a last ditch effort to save the marriage, rather than a true desire to connect. <br />
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Then again, I don’t know what drives you or your husband … if it is fear of losing him, then it is probably not sustainable, and not fair to him. If you know you cannot meet his needs, because you are too different (no judgment), then let him go without penance or guilt.

Hi Wob- My marriage is over, mainly due to a similar situation...My first question is, what caused you to reject him in the first place?<br />
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As Reflections3 points out, that is what has caused him to "shut down," and now, you've both got to want to do things you may not feel like in order to start the healing, while there's still a chance. Not only you intitiating, and convincing him that you want to, and are enjoying it, but he's got to be receptive to you, and I get it that you cannot control his reaction. Keep trying...admit to him that you were off-kilter before....I suppose you have already because you were bold enough to come clean in your story as well. <br />
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My particular story ends sadly--my ex had also "shut down" and was so angry, that has wasn't giving me an opportunity to try to patch things up, he would leave the room. It took a lot of tears and trying and convincing him to give it a shot to get things moving in the right direction again. He wanted to make me suffer and beg the way he had suffered and begged, only worse, and longer, before he was ready to let momentum take over!<br />
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So, I really wish for you that your husband it more receptive and less punative and willing to allow you give him what he is desperate for.....and, on a regular basis with a smile on your face! DO NOT let it appear that you're doing him a favor, (even if you secretly feel that way) Just, "I've changed, I want you again, please forgive me."

Wobbly thankyou for being so honest and sharing the other side of the story. Its incredibly brave of you and I wish you the best. <br />
Enna30 _ I really feel for you too. You are both in incredibly painful situations. <br />
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I think one of our greatest failings as human beings is taking other people for granted. We do that all too well. <br />
Both of your stories have strengthened my resolve to be less selfish and tune in more with my partner's needs.

Wobbly, I'm so sorry for you and your husband. Good for you for trying to fix things now - but I have to ask (at the risk of being insensitive to you) - did you really think you could ignore his needs for sex and intimacy for so long and keep him and your marriage?<br />
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You see, I cannot get my head around that sort of thinking. . . HOW did you expect it to end? Did you think he would just "always be there"? Even though he had made it clear he needed more??<br />
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Sorry to be so blunt but that seems to me an exceptionally selfish vision of marriage. "I'm OK Jack" is how we phrase it in Australia - not sure if you have the same phrase. . ? Means: "I'm OK so I don't care about you."<br />
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I cannot help but wonder how long you will or can keep up this new behaviour of your's? Is it a lifetime change? Or will you go back to how you were once you've "hooked" him again?<br />
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You can see I'm not the best person to comment on your post because I feel the same as your husband - and I can see why any caring and genuine desire to make things work may have been killed off after all this time.<br />
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What I see is that, once again in your marriage, YOU are its focus - not him. YOU want to stay married to him so you are trying to get what YOU want. This is understandable human behaviour but it doesn't imply a real understanding of what HE wants.<br />
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If you truly truly LOVE him you will tell him that, no matter the cost to YOU, you will go along with what HE wants - because your love is unselfish, because you can see how you have contributed to this situation, because you are being unselfish (perhaps for the first time in this marriage . . . ?)<br />
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Feel free to ignore my post if you wish - it is my pain that is talking. But please know that this pain is REAL and will be very much the same as your husband is experiencing. Please at least ponder on that . . . .

OP here. Thanks. You are correct about him witholding sex due to fear of rejection again. At least, I believe that's why he isn't initating anything lately. I am trying to build up his trust, and to let him know I will do anything for him to build up his happiness. Last week he got emotional, apologizing to me for being 'so miserable' around the house, and he's actually scared because he sees all that I'm trying to do for him, and he feels no different towards me (i.e. still unhappy, angry, resentful). I believe he wants that feeling to go away, but I think he's finding it impossible to forget the hurt. I wish I knew how this was going to end.. (I don't mean end of marriage, I mean end of the misery,.. hello happiness again!)

Sounds like there has been a lot of hurting going on inside your bedroom. You are tuned into his needs and complaints and that's better than most of the refusers that we know. Perhaps a therapist or counselor could help work this out as a third party? <br />
If being together was everything you ever hoped for, why would either of you want to sweep it away? If he walks around Angry and withholding sex from you now, he might just be feeling the fear of rejection coming down the pike again. He needs his trust built up again, but so do you.<br />
It is never too late as long as both parties want to work on the problem and come to a mutually respectful solution. <br />
Blessings for a good outcome