Well I'm currently on vacation someplace very tropical with my kids and extended family…awaiting the arrival of my hubby who always works who will be joining us for a few days… I'm surrounded by other families vacationing and I find myself constantly wondering and fantasizing about all the other couples I see with kids, some without. Basically any other couple that looks like they've been married for a bit of time. Are they having sex? Especially the in shape ones. I naturally assume they're having amazing sex. I hate them for it ( ok I don't actually).
The killer is when I see one of these couples with kids be truly affectionate with one another. I don't mean the cursory peck on the cheek. I mean real affection. Like the couple the other day that embraced each other in the ocean and began kissing. They're teenage children had gone off with their friends down the beach and they shared a nice moment of aloneness. Not a full on make out session but a sequence of soft kisses as they held each other and spoke softly to each other. It made me sad because it screamed out what is missing from my relationship and what will most likely never be.
Anyone else out these who is choosing to stay in their SM experiece moments like this? How do you console yourself during these moments?

…other than heading to the bar and ordering a fast Mai Tai
Jane1024 Jane1024
36-40, F
16 Responses Aug 21, 2014

I wish there were an easy answer to this question. It hurts to see other couples enjoying what you know that you are entitled to. Not just the physical aspect, but the intimate emotional ones as well. For me, these were always the hardest to see. It was worse when she would be right next to me, I would reach to kiss her, and she would look at me with that "look" as if to say, oh god, here we go again. I hope you see an improvement soon. Good luck to you.

A lot of what you said really stood out to me, its scary that I can relate to it so well. Thanks for posting your thoughts and I hope you can find a way to rekindle the passion thats missing in your relationship or find another option that does.

All the time. My wife and I have kept ourselves in good condition but I've been ostracised from the bedroom for almost 4years. It's a simple case of the human condition and companionship to need someone. When we've achieved so much with our gorgeous kids how can she be so shallow and cold in her stated intent to become a kept woman and find someone else.

I see other people and they hold hands, touch, keep close and this improves the whole family situation.

When it moves me to tears I find a topical application of a bottle of an Argentinian Malbec dulls the senses quite nicely, although I punish myself with a run or enough planking to give me cramp afterwards !

dad: Making your exit plan would be a better way of soothing your hurt even if your proposed exit would be several years in the future.

I love Malbec...and planking...

I think we all feel this same longing when out in public. It makes me feel so alone and trapped. Couples out in public so in love they can't keep their hands to themselves.

I remember one such couplein a dept. store isle. They were damnnear doing the deal right there in the store.

I'm not after affection to that level but to hold hands in public or a stolen kiss once in awhile. I hope thos forall of us on ILIASM

Just tell yourself they are not married to each other. I find it helps.

I feel the same way when I see affectionate, happy couples. And, I remember a happier time.

When I was still in my SM, these moments were so painful. Other people's happiness just made me ill. Equally, though, seeing disconnected couples made me sad out of knowing what they were going through.

Now that I'm divorced, I love seeing happy couples, and while I do have sympathy for unhappy ones, I know it's possible for them to escape the pain, if only they'll choose to.

How long were you married for and how long did you seriously contemplate divorce before you went through with it?

Together for 9.5 years, married for 4.5. By the time I seriously contemplated divorce, I'd made the decision to do it. That was at year three married. Took six months to prepare and make sure my feelings about it didn't change. Moved out a month after I told him. Then it took about a year to finalize the divorce.

I know people watching at the beach is so fun. You can notice people like you did, and it makes your imagination go wild. Hey you never know maybe the man or woman is agonizing because their partner gets them all worked up in the ocean, then back to the hotel room and zilch, nada. But yeah I usually have a cooler with me, it helps. Enjoy the sun, order your husband a double from the bar when he gets there!!

Yes, I used to have such feelings. In fact, I can remember that even in the second year of my 34-year marriage, I had such feelings. I missed passion. I believed that some day when I died the one thing I would regret was not having passion and sex in my marriage.

I know now that what was missing wasn't just passion and sex, it was real intimacy. I was doing all of the work of trying to connect sexually and emotionally with my husband, and while he tried, basically all my actions did was make him uncomfortable. It was like arrows to my heart for me to do sexy things -- lingerie, trying fun things in bed -- only to have him look embarrassed, say a "joke" that was a put down, or half heartedly respond.

It took me 36 years to finally let go of that relationship. I had to grow into my authentic self first, and that meant getting on antidepressants, and letting go of all of the inhibitions that had resulted from my mom's telling me that my normal creativity and sensuality were things that were s****y and crazy. For instance, she had told me tales about women who ended up being mentally institutionalized because they liked sex and wanted to climax!

Once I had the confidence to let go of my marriage, however, to my surprise -- considering my age -- I attracted a man who is the love of my life -- a sensual, romantic, passionate man who loves me and whose eyes light up when he sees me. He is the love of my life. The ironic thing is that we had known each other for years, but due to my marriage (I was faithful despite its being sexless), didn't start dating until almost a year after I filed for divorce.

I am convinced that you can't get what you want until you have the guts to let go of the familiar, unsatisfying situation that you're in. It is a big risk, but better to take such a risk than to go to your grave wishing that you'd been able to live the kind of life that you wanted.

So true Metta ,,

"Letting go of the familiar"... That is the truth. That's what this is really about. I'm not there yet. I've only begun to ruminate... But I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I have time. But eventually I'll most likely leave. It's nice to hear your story because it gives me hope. 36 years is along time to finally decide to let go. Your a brave woman Metta & sounds like you've overcome a lot.
I'm a bit of a risk taker myself. Just need more time xo

Oh Jane, I used to feel exactly the same way when I went on vacation with my family. Like you, I looked around at all the affectionate couples wondering why I couldn't be in their shoes. What was wrong with me? Was I somehow too flawed for my husband to be physically affectionate with me? Until I realized, that it was his problem - not mine. My STBX also works all the time and has never dedicated the amount of time to us as a couple that's required to build an emotionally intimate relationship.
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FWIW, my way of coping was to bury myself in the world of my kids and my own interests, exercise program, and hobbies that made life worth living. But they were never a completely fulfilling replacement for the love and affection I needed. But it was the best I could do. Love yourself, and know that you are worth loving.

I do know the problem is his and not mine. That, I do know. Like you I've developed a world outside of my husband. I plunge myself into work when it calls me and find tremendous fulfillment in it the kind that makes me forget about my marriage inadequacies. I exercise like a fiend. And I am mostly a single mom to my kids. I control out money & I spend it as I please. I mostly have a good life. But this can't last.

Jane, if you're doing virtually everything in your marriage, why not divorce? It doesn't even sound like your kids are that close to your husband.

Sorry 😔 I think the best thing for us all is to join you in the bar,, it is the saddest thing to sit and wonder what other couples do, I have had many a sad moment wondering on holidays, even in the supermarket😔 cheers chic .. Get that drink in you

Thank you saxappeal ;)

I bleed for you

I'm very sorry that you are going through this.
But yes that is exactly what I'm going through as well.
There is no magic way to deal with this. But as for going to the bar, I'd just end up in trouble for doing something stupid!!!
If you find a fix please let me know!! Lol

Rear view job here.
I wonder whether it is such a great idea (to try and console yourself - rationalise your feelings - minimise the painful feelings).
I know I used do this, and it was not a success in the moment, or longer term. Did more harm than good really I think.
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FWIW, I reckon our minds are really trying to tell us things, and maybe we'd do well to have a real good listen to what they're trying to say.
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It couldn't hurt to try "listening", because the suppression strategy does not seem to work real well.
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Tread your own path.

Oh Baz stop calling it like it is;)
I know. It's true. What is happening is my gut is telling me "something's not right here". Otherwise looking at other couples showing affection wouldn't bother in the least! And for the record, there was a time in my relationship where it didn't bother me. When things were better. When we use to have regular sex ( albeit 1x every 6 weeks) it was till happening on a regular basis that I could live with.
I agree, suppression is never good. Reminds me of that carnival game where you have to try and hit as many heads as you can before the buzzer goes off with a mallet . Problem is, whenever you hit one head another one pops up somewhere else on the board.
The energy has to go somewhere...

I'm gonna call it -transitioning mode.
That's what I'm in right now. The beginning stages... Just recently came to terms with it. Took off my rose colored glasses and feel it in my gut that my marriage has a shelf life. Forever after just isn't in the cards for me.
I'm not ready to leave though.
Still need to consult lawyer and all that fun stuff. But also, this is gonna sound crazy- I want to wait till my father and grandfather pass away.
They are both incredibly influential men in my life, and i anticipate it being an difficult time for myself and my family. My father is 85 & my grandfather 90. It has little to do with any disappointment they me feel towards me & the dissolving of our marriage but more to do with me needing my husbands support through that time as I anticipate I will. My husband and father share a nice bond. I think if I were to do anything before this and then one of them dies, it would cause me too much stress, which I'm trying to avoid IF I can. Having to go through a divorce & death at the same time... Of course this idea could dissipate as my grandfather is in too top shape. Not so much my father. Both could live another 5-10 years,
Though less likely with my father.

There you have it. My grand plan.
Weather through the transition period with some harmless and maybe not so harmless outsourcing. Focus on career that involves any work out of town. Focus on kids.
And let fate take its course.
I have faith in myself that I will know when the time is right and make a move. Appreciate your thoughts as always x

You get your legal advice, now (that does NOT commit you to anything) and you start knocking your exit strategy into shape.
Then, the timing is all yours.
It might be that your timing coincides when Dad and Grandpa cash in their chips, it might be that your timing can be brought forward, or it might be a 'golden opportunity' that just comes up out of nowhere.
Be prepared.
You can do that prep work now.
Then, the timing is yours.

Thanks for your support x

I am there right now. And I recall a family cruise a couple years ago. My MIL (who I actually adore) was making fun of a couple by the pool because the wife was quite fat and her husband was all over her. He clearly loved her fat and all. Unbeknownst to my MIL, there I am in my size 4 bikini totally jealous of her.

AWWW YES…God bless them and all those alike.

It's TRUE Westsider, when you really LOVE, you don't care what size, shape, color or gender. Love is Love! And in rare instances, forever!

This makes me want to cry.

I felt that same way on our last vacation. My husband was there but spent most of the time sleeping or watching tv.

My husband is surviving a terrible cancer diagnosis but he has forgotten how to live. I feel so alone. I want to soak up as much life as we can right now. I want him to give our kids some time and memories but it is not happening.

Take care. I understand.

What a shame. One would think that after surviving cancer, this would be the very thing that would catapult one to LIVE. And yet how do you motivate someone to do this? You simply can't. They have to find it on their own terms. How incredibly frustrating for you. I'm so sorry. But continue living for yourself. It's great to hear you can't be stopped from taking hold of your own life, regardless of him. One can only hope he will wake up one day feeling inspired by your bold action. "Get busy living or get busy dying- Shawshank Redemption

I was kinda there to,,, now I am well and he cannot get it together with me now I have life back.