My wife once called me a bully I think because I kept making suggestions about how we might improve our sex life and make things fun rather than functional.

It dawned on me that it isn't my being a bully that's the issue but that she in reality has full control. If she doesn't want to make the effort then nothing happens, if she doesn't feel like it, nothing happens, if she isn't concerned about my sexual welfare, nothing happens.

I don't know the answer, we are at least starting to talk about it but if someone just isn't interested I guess why should they put bj the effort. No one could ever make me go to watch a game of cricket (no idea if that's a fair analogy) but maybe it's the same. So is there an answer other than the obvious of going to a prostitute, having an affair, ************, or divorce.

Sensible thoughts welcomed.
NakedTherapist NakedTherapist
61-65, M
12 Responses Aug 21, 2014

i lost interest in my husband because he wasn't interested in fulfilling my needs and i'm not referring to my sexual needs.

Has it gotten any better?

It has improved - we have started doing OM but it's going to take time

Good!!!! :)

What are you looking for, if that's ok to ask.

That's the most difficult thing to try and get your head around. The refuser ALWAYS has the control of the relationship, because THEY choose to not have sex. Staying with the refuser gives you only the options that you have outlined.
If you stay in the relationship then YOU make the choice to be celibate, unless you find a solution outside of your relationship.
Sadly, the options to change this situation within the relationship are limited by the refuser's mindset that things are fine ... which they are for THEM!

You've summed it up pretty well all by yourself.
(a) - your missus is avoidant
(b) - you ain't happy
so your two options are -
(c1) - to stay and be miserable
(c2) - stay and be miserable but outsource your sex life
(d) - leave
(c2) has a high probability of bringing about (d) anyway
Tread your own path.

She is a bully and the only language she will understand is to bully her back. Call up a 1900 number using ur regular credit card so that she knows abt it. When confronted be defiant.

Yes, the refuser always has full control unless one decides to break the law and be a rapist.

And if the refuser under no circumstances would have sex with you, you are stuck in a celibate relationship with your spouse. There alternatives to that, but you've ruled them out. Unfortunately, there's no magic wand that would make your wife sexually desire you. So, if you've ruled out the obvious, then you might as well settle for being celibate for the rest of your life (since typically women outlive their husbands).

Well since using this sounding board, and I truly appreciate everyone's responses, I have just had a long discussion with my wife. I tried as best I could to not raise my voice and stay calm. I had earlier today explained to her that I feel lonely and isolated within our marriage and that I felt we had no intimacy whatsoever and that I couldn't treat her the way I would a close friend let alone a soul mate.

Anyway this evening she said that she had looked up the word intimacy and realised that she hadn't actually understood what it meant. I have to say I was somewhat shocked. I have explained many a time it's not sex that is critical but true intimacy be it in the form of hugging and kissing, massage, meditation these are all forms of intimacy.

So at least we are taking but we have a long way to go, this feels like the first of one thousand steps and no guarantees at the end. But at least I have said my bit and I don't have to go round the house being petulant and moody to try and attract attention.

Thank you all for listening.

Beware, the response you got is in The Refuser's Playbook. Having been cornered with a nice, large hole punched inThe Wall of Denial, they WILL attempt to placate.
An old proverb we've all heard says "the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step." You're on Step Two, my friend and may find out you're going to be stuck here for a while.
And, yes: I DO certainly hope I'm wrong.

Full on refusers hate talking about the problem which is always "your" problem. They don't have a problem except the one you are creating for them.

I am starting to think this outsourcing idea is not good at all. It is very easy to say "go have an affair". In fact, I did it after coming out of my SM since I could not find a single guy that I had chemistry with. The problem lies in the fact that I now really like this AP. I am dating other people but I just do not think it is as easy as people think! I thought I could compartmentalize my feelings. I am sure that my AP can but me, not so much. I am just writing this to warn you that women have real feelings about their sex partners, at least I do!!!

You really wouldn't go to a cricket game a few times a month if your wife loved it and it gave her great joy to go with you? You wouldn't be able to get lost in how happy and excited she was even if you hated and knew nothing about the game?<br />
Your analogy isn't bad. Your wife's attitude is.


I agree. If a man that I truly loved enjoyed cricket I would learn everything I could about the game :)

She's the bully!

I think I have come to the same conclusion

I "think" those are the four alternatives that most of us boil it down to. The prostitute brings it's own nightmares from an STD standpoint, although I hear in Amsterdam they are "relatively clean and monitored". Same is true outside of Las Vegas. The other three options ALL have their own baggage. Unfortunately, I'm not smart enough to give any "advice" on the subject other than to offer that at least you get to pick your poison!

I think that realistically I don't like any of the other options and just wanted to vent my frustrations. Thank you for your comments - appreciated.

It's sort of a case of damned whichever way.

None of them are good answers, especially if you love your spouse and want to keep the marriage together, that's probably why most of use stay and hope they change or just accept the situation.