Sad and Hurt

I am 48 years old. My husband is 60. We have been married for 15 years. This is my 2nd marriage. He raised my 3 children form the ages of 12,9 and 7 . and we now have 4 grand children. I buried my mom and dad within the past 2 years and cared for both of them while they were ill. My mother had dementia. It was a long hall. Let me start by saying when i met my husband and we dated he was very romantic and sex was great. We dated 2 years before we married. Once we got married sex went down to once every 2 weeks the first 6 months. I was always the initiator. Then it would space out to once a month. Then further apart. He would say it was the stres of the kids. I accepted that. Then the following year it was every 4 or 5 months . It was because he was lazy or there was to much  stress. I cryed myself to sleep alot. We went to counceling. He got diagnosed with PTSD from Vietnam He has High Blood presure and then became Impotent.This all happened before I turned 40. I was ok with all of this . We went to a urologist got a pump and Viagra used it a few times and that was that. He had no interest. I knew there may be a psycological issue. I told him it did not matter to me if we did not ever have intercourse again. But there were other things we could do. I did not want to loose all the intamacy in our marriage. Nothing seemed to matter. It has now been 4 years. He does not kiss me. He does not touch me . We live as room mates. I am so lonley. I miss my husband . This is not what a marriage is supposed to be like . We have fun with each other he is my best friend but he is suppose to be my lover as well . I don't expect him to do what he can't do. But every one is capable of intamcy and if they say there not. I feel they are just selfish . It is making me angry . I would never treat someone I love like this . I tell him all the time I want him . I love him. I get nothing in return. How long can someone be rejected ???

summersage summersage
46-50, F
4 Responses Mar 2, 2009

I know exactly how you feel, not sure if it is making me feel better reading about other people feeling lousy too. At least you need to know its not you, keep your chin up.

This sounds like my story, except it is the male version. There is hardly any communication or any sex in our marriage. I have been married over 26 years, and my response from my wife is always no. I quit trying a long long time ago. I am living a sexless life but this is not my desire. It is caused by the other party or the “loved” one. Divorce sounds good but it is a really a big chance. Who knows the next one that came along will be a better one or even worse the first one. Maybe a marriage counselor or a sex therapist can improve the situation but I have no clue. This is a problem that will not go away and needs to be worked on. I really wish you good luck and hope it turned out better in the future.

I highly recommend a movie called "Fireproof" if you can find it. It is about a young couple who are ready to divorce after a few years of building resentment on each side. The man's father gives him some good advice and he acts on it. The film is done with lots of humour, real situations, and really made an impression on me! It makes so much sense! If I could get my partner, my sons, & friends to watch it, there would be more love in the world, for sure!

you're not alone. except for the age difference this could be my story (my husband and I are both 48) I don't know how long a person can be rejected...I'm still trying to figure that out. I know how lonely it is....I know I'm too young to completely write off any future intimacy. I hope you find some comfort here with people in the same boat.