I got an email from him today. It first asked about the truck, then asked what are we to do? Says that i'm stringing him along, that he still loves me and believes in us, etc. That he's hurting. He's asked me to come to therapy. I don't want to. I want out of all of it. He turned my family and I can't forgive that... am I being too harsh? Sometimes I don't even know why I want out. He's never hit me, he was there for some rough times, maybe I'm being too harsh... I just don't feel like I can go back- but I feel like I "should."
I'm hurting a bit today...
I need some help/some encouragement. I'm feeling weak...

And as an aside- a friend has helped me find some low cost therapy.
braverthanithink braverthanithink
31-35, F
8 Responses Aug 21, 2014

Does this bloke value add anything at all to your life today ?
Did he ever add value to your life in the past, at a level that might possibly suggest he has any capability of value adding to your life in the future ?
In short, is he a "life enhancer" or a "life depleter" ?
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Then apply the gold standard action.
Keep life enhancers in your orbit, and dump the life depleters.
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Tread your own path.

My stbx would do this from time to time, as well, lay the guilt trip on me, control me. You are stronger than that. You left him...don't go back...but then you already made up your mind! I am so proud of you for that! He is losing all control now, even the alleged "backing" he had with your parents as they sent you the bills he had been sending them (this I have gathered from your last post as well as comments made to metta regarding not "getting any more money" from down below). He is grasping at straws now... it is pathetic and sad, really. Don't worry, he will eventually get the message it is over, even if you have to slap him with a restraining order! Best of luck and stay safe! Hugs!! Kat

I think it's past time to be hostile. Not really out of anger, but as a shield. This asswipe knows too well how to push your buttons. Tell him he takes your name off the truck or you will. And announce Being DONE.

I understand your ambivalence, Braverthanithink. I get that feeling too sometimes...the feeling that maybe my marriage wasn't so bad after all. And my STBX also pleads with me to stop our divorce proceedings and recommit to my marriage. And in moments of loneliness and weakness - I consider caving in. But I won't, and I can't. We can't come this far, and surrender. Because our marriages will never change...if we stay, it will be the same vicious cycle of emotional neglect and lack of physical affection. Don't give up!
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Someone advised me about how to deal with my recurring self-doubt about whether or not to divorce my husband. She suggested I make up my mind (which I did when I initiated my divorce) and commit to my decision for a period of time - such as 6 months, or a year. To remain stoic in my choice despite lingering doubt. And you know what? It was good advice, because the few times I think about going back to him pass quickly, and my logic returns and reminds me that I was terribly unhappy in my marriage and I cannot endure that suffocating existence any more.
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You have a long life ahead of you - don't squander it on a man who doesn't deserve you and has caused you so much pain.

The Shawshank Redemption - keep crawling - you'll make it to that beach at Zihuatanejo.

If you go back, you will be surrendering your own needs again. You are in control, trust your heart.

thank you so much

Read your past stories and the past advice you've gotten. Read about how controlling he has been as have been your parents.

Again, I suggest not responding to his e-mails, calls, cards, etc. If he has a concern about the divorce, let your lawyer handle it. Otherwise, ignore him. That is how you give him the firm message that your marital relationship is over. In fact, you could simply respond that he needs to communicate with you only through your lawyer. Then, don't bother even opening any communications from him.

If it is at all possible, I strongly suggest that you return to your original therapist instead of a new one. Your original therapist knows your history, including what you were like in your marriage. Even one visit to the original therapist would be helpful.

You have insisted for reasons I don't understand on giving money to your ex, but you have not paid money on therapy that has been very helpful to you. That is why, I believe, your therapist didn't offer you a reduced rate. You seemed to believe that you owed your husband money -- even though there was every evidence that he misused your join tax return, and he also wouldn't even let you know how much was in your joint savings account-- but you wouldn't invest in therapy for yourself.

Actually, he hasn't gotten money for a long time. My therapist was unwilling to work with me financially. All that aside, i'm finding some help and i DO plan on returning to the original therapist when I can.

As for the email, this was a visceral reaction. I made the mistake of responding, but I won't anymore. I have looked through my past stories and calmed down a bit.

I need this to end.

You could block his emails.

Honey stay strong, you need to remember through all his begging and pleading, that there is a reason you are making this choice. If you don't feel therapy can help, or even want to try therapy then don't. Stay true to your guns.