At risk of being hated, I admit I know the refuser's side. I was a virgin when I married the first time, ignorant of what the marriage bed entailed. I was young and scared and dumb. All I knew was the general impression I got from my mom and my sisters, that something bad and painful was about to happen to me ... and it was.
My mother was a refuser. I found this out from talking to my dad years later. My impression of sex was that it was dirty, but it was a duty a wife had to endure. So I endured. I never once had an ****** during my first marriage. I lay there and took it, and got pregnant five times over for my trouble.
When I got pregnant with #5 we had no money for a doctor so I went to work to afford one. That's when I started learning about the big wide world. I started realizing I was missing experiences. By this time my H had given up trying to be a husband and a father and I lost all respect for him. I determined to get out and take care of myself and my boys. And I did.
My first experience outside of that marriage was eye-opening. I learned there was pleasure to be had, pleasure I had been denied up till then. I probably could have had it in my marriage, had I been open to it. It doesn't matter now ... the marriage was doomed. I had lost respect for my husband. He was less than a man in my eyes.
Harley53 Harley53
61-65, F
4 Responses Aug 21, 2014

One learn from life experiences. Since you did not mess around when young you did not know.

I hope so much you found some happiness and joy in life eventially...

Your first marriage was dysfunctional and you eventually got out.
What's to hate ?
Tread your own path.

I don't see any Refuser here.

Thank you, Vertical Man.

I am however very angry. On your behalf. Even in this day and age, women are kept ignorant and fearful, for no good reason at all. It's truly ugly that you missed out on so much joy in life because you were taught intimacy comes with fear and loathing.

So true. I found out late what I had missed.
Then I married a refuser. I feel like he stole something from me, by refusing my sexuality.
I was still young and desirable and wanted nothing more than to please him. And that wasn't enough. How much of my life have I wasted, trying to live by somebody else's rules?

Oh exactly. My mother took all my pictures off the walls in the family home & they sat with my ex-husband during my divorce proceeding. It was horrible.

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