What Is That Sucking Sound?

It's not what you think.  It's the life being sucked out of me.  My wife and I have not had sex since before Christmas.  I came home from work one morning expecting that I was going to try and initiate something once again (it's always me who tries), but then I didn't.  She says to me two days later "how come you didn't wake me up"?  I just said I was too tired after night shift.  I'm never too tired, but the thought of being rejected, which happens often was too much to take again.  Of course she could have initiated - but in the 18 years we have been married she has only taken the bull by the horns a dozen times.  Is that not sad.  I kick myself for not pulling the plug on this marriage years ago, but now with kids and financially entwined I don't know what to do anymore.  I don't even feel like making an effort anymore, I've been rejected so many times in this marriage, I have been conditioned to expect a NO, or a maybe later (which also means no).  When she wanted to get pregnant - YEAH let's go!!  As soon as she was, that was that.  No more sex.  We've gone almost a year once.  What a loser I am.  Now it's gotten to the point where I don't really care anymore and I'm not caring about the whole marriage - not just the sex.  It's all becoming too much to deal with.  You know how people wish to win the lottery so life will be easier... I wish to win so we can split the winnings and split the marriage.

 Feeling sad and stuck and helpless.

daremo3049 daremo3049
41-45
6 Responses Mar 2, 2009

There is a notion that men fall in love with women they are sexually attracted to while women sleep with men they are in love with. <br />
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So the question I have is: does your wife know what we seem knowing?<br />
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Does she know HOW hurt you are and WHAT constitutes a marriage? That it comes not only with the obligation to wash your socks while you pay the mortgage but that there is an obligation to have a sexual relationship. <br />
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To quote Luther: twice a week makes 104 a year - doesn't harm him nor her.<br />
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Americans are so religious. If you are, play that card. <br />
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I think you need to put the cards on the table and ask her how she intends to spend the rest of her life, that should she believe it could continue she was wrong. What she asks you to change in order for you to be desirable. How she intends to become the loving and caring wife you desire. If she is happy? If she thinks she makes you happy. <br />
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If you act like a pancake you will be eaten for a pancake. Why is she doing, what she does? because she can! <br />
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So you are the one to put this to an end. A marriage, according to my late grandmother is like a sausage: it has two ends. Your story will have a different side than hers. We do not know her side. <br />
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How would the man be, she would find desirable? Does she suffer from her sexless marriage? <br />
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It is very very possible from what you describe that your wife needs a good gynacologist more than anything! <br />
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If her hormon levels are imbalanced, if her testosterone is down, her action would make a sense to me. She may suffer from it, feel like a eunuch. Women are not trained to run around and claim they cannot get it up. <br />
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All is possible. But you need to sit her down and start talking in a loving, kind and stylish athmosphere, where she cannot run away from the problem. <br />
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This is my very European, very female advise for what it is worth.

Dude....first of all you are number one...YOU ARE NOT A LOSER. You are married to a woman who (like my shrew) has little to no use for intimate contact other then getting what she wants out of life. They use sex as a means to an end. I can ALWAYS tell if my wife has messed up or when she needs something...all of a sudden..BLAM...she's in the mood. Its almost commical if it werent so f'ing sad. And TWO...you are not alone in your plight.<br />
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Your main problem is in your thinking my friend. Your thinking is that your problems are your fault...when in fact it is hers. I used to go on for days trying to think about how i can get my wife to be passionate about me...when that was not going to happen...because....<br />
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its not in her to be that way....!!!!<br />
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And sure....im still married. Much as you are because my kids and my finacial future make it all but impossible to end it....and yet, ask yourself...this.<br />
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What are we teaching out kids....becaus ei dont know about you....but i found out the hard way that my kids know more about my pain then even my wife does. My daughter came up to me one day and said..."i know why you sleep on the couch daddy...i just want you to know that i love you"<br />
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It was like a window shade had been pulled from my blind eyes....that eventhough staying might be good to give the kids that foundation that a true family has....that leaving and beng true to yourself is just as meaningful

My shrink tells me that about 3o% of the population are clinically depressed and most of them are not diagnosed.<br />
If you are having "dark" thoughts (dwelling on death or wondering what it would be like) then mention it to tyour health care provider. It does not mean that you are crazy, it just means that you have reached an age where your brain does not produce enough dopamine.<br />
There are drugs for that.

Im sitting all alone after a 9yr almost sexless stint. three years single and just wanting anything at the moment. <br />
Its not going to change .... this feeling your having. It does get worse and you always want something you dont have.<br />
But as long as your feeling something your still alive. <br />
Sorry .. just rambling blah blah blah

Daremo,<br />
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Totally agree, a marriage lacking intimacy, takes the life out of life, replacing it with a flat-line existence. <br />
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Have you tried marriage counseling or sex therapist. If not, may be worthwhile. Seems like there is still some there-there, she asked why you didn't initiate. Appears there is an awareness, some level of interest? Read around, that is more than many get from their spouses. If you can ramp up the communication, maybe there is some hope .... assuming that there is otherwise a fairly strong relationship/connection. It would be nice to hold together your 18 year investment in each other/family, if that is possible while still keeping your basic needs met / sense of self intact!<br />
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Good Luck!

Hello daremo<BR>I think a lot of us turn up here looking for "THE" answer, and regrettably, there is no "THE" answer. With a bit of looking around, you may be able to find 'a bit of this' and 'a bit of that' and ultimately form you own solution or part solution to this frustrating issue.<BR>For example, some people are able to pigeonhole aspects of their lives into different areas "A" is the person I co-parent kids with, "B" is the person I get emotional support from, "C" is the one I have sex with... and so on. In some situations the spouse is NOT the one you have all these boxes ticked with, there may be a number of people. This method works for some. Other strategies include extra marital affairs. Some advocate redefining their position and became Financial Partners (or as someone cleverly put it a while back "Financial Hostages".). Some decide its too hard and dissolve the union. In any event, you'll find a lot of stories here of 'what is working' for some people, and out of it all, you ought be able to pick up some things that will better your position. Note 'better' not neccessarily "fix'.<BR>Welcome, good luck.