Okay, I have responded but never posted. I have been married for 18 years and it was good. The last six years have been rough. He was diagnosed with brain cancer 6 years ago. At the time we had a 5 year old and 8 week old. Prognosis was bleak. 6 years later he is beating the odds. I am so happy he is alive but I am so lonely.

Sex ended about 5 years ago. We could try but he is like an old man now. The last time we tried he kept taking his pulse. He was worried about a seizure. He functions relatively normally but I have to explain A LOT of things to him. I limit his driving and handle most everything in our home ( he will help with laundry and dishes some). The hard part is to see him obsessed with surviving, not living. I am not stopping. We have gone on trips and dragged him along. Our last beach trip he lay in bed watching tv. He has taken the approach that since he can't do what he wants he doesn't have to do anything. Watching the damage from the cancer and the treatments has been hard. I know it is hard on him.

I feel so mixed wanting companionship. I really would love someone to hold me, to touch me and make me feel loved. I miss intimacy. I have thought of an affair but I don't think I have the stomach for it. He does not get that he has many deficits. He has actually accused me of having an affair before. He can't stand texts. He questions me on every text. He actually told me if I were the sick one he would have been long gone. I chalk it up to brain damage (possibly early dementia). Maybe I do need am affair. I just have no idea how to have one.
Sorry so long.
mws70 mws70
46-50, F
15 Responses Aug 21, 2014

You will know when and what is right for you. When the right "situation" comes about, you decision may be different. For now, be patient and the best person you can.

You clearly are a loving person and deserves to be on the receiving end. You can always come here and vent and clear your mind safely.

Thank you for posting. I'm tempted to show this to my man, who uses much less serious health problems as an excuse for refusing.

I can't even imagine how frustrating it must be for you to deal with him. If he needs nursing care, or just someone to keep an eye on him, can you get some kind of help so you can get out and do things without him sometimes?

I am in a very similar position... My lover helps me to stay sane...

I have no idea how to find someone.

Ashley Madison helped me....
If you search this group you will find some posts about it...

I am afraid of what will be on there. I live in Louisiana, not sure what kind of guys will be on there.

all kinds really

Like everywhere... you can find a dimond, but possibly some crappy ones as well....
I just looked on AM about 3 years ago...I did not know what I wanted and how far I was prepared to go... My husband has mental issues and I was craving just normal human small talk with normal man... I thought maybe I just would have a couple of dates in coffee shops and some talking... Surprisinghly I got several messages,some very nice and seemingly genuine... I sent exactly the same reply to everyone,saying that I am sorry,but I probably wasting their time as I am new and live insexless marriage ,feeling very frustrated and quite lost...and thanked them for the interest.... some replied with words of support.... I was planning to meet about 5-6 guys,but my second date was just beyond my wildest dreams.... so we have regular dates....and do not plan to stop...

2 More Responses

He sounds like he's sick enough to not be able to do stuff that he doesn't want to do anyway, but manages to rally up enough energy to give you the Spanish Inquisition about what you are doing.
This bit in your story - "I'm not stopping" - I really like.
Don't stop. Do what you find life enhancing, embrace things and people that you find life enhancing. I'm certain that you have 'asked him along' on your journey, but you can do no more than that.
If he wants to lie about and let things pass him by, that is entirely his choice.
Tread your own path.

Oh wow....thank you for sharing. You are carrying an awful lot on your shoulders and I'm glad you took the time to share on this forum. I haven't read comments but I imagine everyone is behaving themselves in light of the weight of your situation.

Do you see a therapist? I would highly recommend it. You have a lot to process here with his illness and a good therapist could help you sort through how to comfortably address your natural need for intimacy. An affair an rock your world or shatter it....or both. At a minimum, it seems like some contact with men would do you good. You must feel so isolated. Do you have male friends?

So you are essentially a single parent caring for a sick partner. That is an awful lot!

My heart goes out to you. You are under a big burden. Have you spoken to a therapist? Maybe a therapist can help you understand better your situation and what would give you some relief and possibly some happiness.

And maybe a therapist would be good for your husband. As cruel as it is to say, surviving brain cancer does not give him a free ride to not meet your needs. He has to at least try and improve.

congrats on making the post. It is tough to open up and share. You have options..

wow, what an unbelievably good woman you are. I hope you find the happiness you are after, you deserve it

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I have a woman friend who was diagnosed with brain cancer a few months after giving birth. Like your husband, she still is surviving, but unlike him, she has plunged into life, wringing the joy from each day. It's too bad that your husband is reacting so differently.

My suggestion is to develop deep friendships with others who can give you at least emotional intimacy.

Also, try to get your husband to get assessed for depression because if he has that and that's treated, he may become more involved in life.

Meanwhile, don't drag your husband along when you do things. Since he's not interested in doing anything, then let him stay home and watch TV or whatever he does at home.

I read a Washington Post story about a woman who divorced her husband who, I think, had early Alzheimers. She continued, however, to care for him including after she fell in love with and married another man, who also was kind to her husband. Finding that story might give you some ideas of ways to handle your challenging situation.

One of my co-workers had a good friend who was either married to or living with someone with whom she had children and a house, etc. etc. He had a severely debilitating brain injury (more so than OP's husband) which required him to live in residential care. She continues to look after him, visit him, monitor and advocate for his care - but has been in a long term partnership with another man for many years.

one site to look into is the "well spouse"

you need to care for yourself first before you can be the best caregiver you can be for him. do what you need to do to stay sane. best wishes.

Maybe you need to be tough with him... Make him realise although the effects Of treatment may have left it's mark he is lucky to be alive!! My father in law battled brain cancer for 2 years tried everythin to fight it but he died!! Maybe ur husband needs a wake up call to realise how lucky he is and maybe you need to talk show him this let him see how bad things are!!! Good Luck but an affair is never the answer?!!

Every man wishesfor a wife or a companion like you and will stick by your side. But at the same time if you arent getting everything you need in your marriage and arent going to leave him then you need to find what you need discretely and enjoy it

Yes you need someone to take care of you too.

You need a special friend

I am so sorry, that's sounds horribly lonely. I think you need a side lover, someone who can fill this intimate gap in your relationship.