Here I am again. We haven't had sex in months. We actually aren't married, but engaged, and I post on here because the feedback is better than the other groups.
He never wants me. He gives kisses hello and goodbye and that's about it.
We got into a fight because I got mad about the way he talks to me. He doesn't ever tell me what's really going on . When I ask him questions about things like work and bills he gives me half answers. When I probe deeper he acts all mad and I get the feeling I need to shut up. So I live in an unknowing cloud . I'm not happy and I let him know I'm sick of being dismissed! That's what I told him today and yesterday. He says he just got home I need to cut him some slack! Again. Always cutting him some freaking slack. That's what he gives me. Slack.
He never properly asked me to marry him. I'm afraid he's going to abandon us. I can't marry him or anyone that doesn't want me sexually. We have a baby. Im going to school and work only part time. I can't afford to leave. So what do I do??? Can't talk to him. Can't leave. Afraid he's going to abandon. My freaking ring is stuck on my finger. Should I force him onto the couch? Sleep in another room? I went to the gym when he started telling at me. Whenever I try to talk about my feelings he turns it around and tells me everything I do wrong and that I'm the one screwing up. This isn't going anywhere. I don't know what's happening. Please help
ijustneedtoletitout ijustneedtoletitout
31-35, F
14 Responses Aug 21, 2014

Get out now. A leopard does not change it's spots.

DO NOT GET MARRIED TO THIS GUY.... It will not get better with a signed piece of paper and in fact only makes things more complicated.

Get a plan to leave. You should not marry him. Even if it takes you a long time to get things together, do it. Don't let him in on what you're doing if you're afraid of abandonment. You should find a minimal needs/time plan that you can stick to. It isn't perfect, but it is forward.

I would give anything to be in your shoes right now, to have come to the realization I should not marry my now STBX.

In the beginning I rationalized that my h wasn't really doing anything mean or hurtful, but if you dig deep, and you're honest, you'll likely find as I have, that he is in fact both of those things and more (worse).

Please think long and hard about marrying this guy.

Have you settled on one (1) thing to persist with yet ?
Last time out you appeared to be going from a policy of "freezing him out" to "trying to seduce him" and back again to "freezing him out".
And this - "Can't leave. Afraid he's going to abandon" - seems to be the clearest indicator for you. They are essentially the exact same thing.
You 'can't leave'. But he could 'abandon'. It's the same thing, either way, it ends. Which means that you COULD leave - or be left. Same outcome. And under those circumstances, you may as well drive the bus.
Tread your own path.

Damn girl get some support money for the baby from him and call it a day!!

Wow, sexual and emotional depravation and not even married yet. You are well aware this relationship is not giving you what you want, need and deserve and it will only get worse. If I were in your position, I'd begin planning how to begin again on my own. From what you have said nothing good can come of this. He shuts you down when you try to have any meaningful conversation and he never even asked you to marry him? What?! Ugh. Why are you settling for so little? :(

You say you can't leave... I don't see how you can stay. He is showing you in every way but straight up telling you that you are not important to him. It is called emotional abuse. It is not something you can "fix" on your own. Seek help from somewhere!

Whatever, you gotta drop this guy like a bad habit! There's NO upside. I know it seems almost impossible right now, but talk with your family, talk to your priest or pastor. Talk to ME, but talk with someone that can help you out before you make a mistake that can't be fixed. I "get" the whole "I just got home", I really do, but THIS GUY is a few slices short of a loaf if he can't help you understand expenses and bills. 😳 I mean, are you supposed to just "Use the Force" when it comes to understanding your spending patterns and limits as a couple?

Hm, the overall relationship is in the toilet but something caught my eye: his complaint about having "just got home." My ex and I worked that one out. In couples counseling. I voiced my grievance clearly: that I need a few minutes to decompress after getting home, I'd just done a full day of work and fought traffic for an hour and it's like an assault to get hit with issues and concerns before I even have a chance to sit down. She understood and we negotiated an agreement to just unwind for about 10-20 minutes before taking up any stuff. It worked out pretty well.
The problem that you're having is this bone-head isn't respecting you. My ex and I - for all the things that were wrong and the stuff I found out about later, which was devastating - we did have a basic level of mutual respect... at least I thought we did... haha. Anyway, we were both determined to get along with each other. Your man is trying to set up a situation where he has all the authority, none of the responsibility and you are his... well, you're his maid.
Are you really so trapped there that there is NO reasonable way to leave him and survive? He probably thinks this and has been carefully convincing you to agree. That establishes his power.

My family is already living together with eachother to help eachother out. I have 3 kids now. No car of my own. No job (I'm a part time artist - income very tiny)

Is your family an option? Can you and your baby move in with them while you go to school? If you leave, he has to pay child support. Seriously....don't walk down that won't get any better. If this is what your engagement is like, your marriage will be ten times worse. I wish you and your baby good luck....

Earlier today I referred to a subcategory of Refuser called The Unreachable Lure Refuser. This character keeps hinting that things will improve "if only you would deepen your commitment" (thus getting MORE stuck).

Ugggghhhhh....sounds like manipulation at its finest!

Not really. I don't have anywhere to go! I just started school again. I need to finish. But this relationship isn't going anywhere

Ohhhh....gosh....I seriously feel for you. So, I hate to write this but finish your education....get a good job and then get out. Do not set a wedding date. Boy, I hated writing that....

1 More Response

Time to form an exit strategy. Forget the whole sexless marriage thing for now. The root of the problem here is a man that just doesn't appreciate you . Period. I wouldn't worry about being with someone who doesn't want me sexually. I'd be more worried about being with someone who has this constant need to put me down and to keep me under his or her thumb. That, right there, is your basic issue. Time to get away. That means cutting back on the school and building up the hours at work. Set some money aside and just run. As fast as you can, just run.

Hi, so the problem is that he doesn't desire you> He can function if he wants, but he chooses not to?
If that's the case it could be his libido. Has he lost his sex drive?
There's a couple of simple blood tests that can get to the bottom of this kind of issue. He needs to be tested for his estradiol and testosterone levels.

If it isn't chemical/hormone-related, then it could be a psychological problem. He's showing signs of withdrawing from you and distancing himself from you.

Whatever is bothering him, he needs to realize that you also, are in that relationship, and need to be acknowledged and appreciated!
You don't need to "cut him some slack", he needs to cut YOU some slack and at least tell you about what's bothering him.

I'm not sure if you will accomplish much more than more distance between if you sleep in another room.
But if you DO feel more comfortable doing so, then you'll have to do so.

While one should always follow their heart, one should also think as logically as is possible. And that's not easy when you're in love!

I hope you can get this resolved so you can feel whole and fulfilled again!

sometimes it's just wrong. Sometimes it just wasn't meant to be. Just because you made a baby doesn't mean you are soul mates or even compatible. All it means for sure is that you ****** once.