The Unexpected

 I spent the first 11 years of my marriage faithfully attending the needs and desires of my husband and young son.  But I felt depressed because in all the years I've known my husband, I never experienced ****** with him.  Early on I felt tremendous passion for him, but as time went on and I didn't feel his desire for me, I began to doubt my sexiness.  I shouldn't have.  I'm tall, slender, blond, blue eyed, physically fit, a former model.  Having a baby was difficult, and we moved several times, but even though my husband and I relate well as co-parents and roommates, the passion that I want never developed.

We talked endlessly about my lack of sexual fulfillment.  But he refused to go to therapy with me.  So I allowed the day to day demands of life and my work to fill the empty space.  To some extent, it did.  But three years ago my baby sister died tragically from cancer, and I began to reassess my life.  I knew that if I did not find fulfillment and joy, I would leak that onto my son, and it would reflect in my writing.  

So I began a journey to discover who I am as a woman, and as a sexual being.  I wanted to feel sexy again, feel desired and craved again.  I wanted to experience ****** with another person, instead of by myself with my vibrator in the dark moments before sleep.  I read The Story of O, The "Beauty" series by Anne Rice, the Marquis d'Sade, and many other stories of submission, dominance, and lust and realized that in contrast to my take-charge, out-going personality that the world sees, sexually I am a submissive.  I long and need to be taken in order to experience sexual ecstasy.  Big revelation!

I began to reach out to other submissives on the Internet and eventually put an ad in Craig's List.  I connected with several men who wrote eloquently about having come to terms with their dominant personalities.  The process was fascinating, and I learned a great deal about my own predilections by hearing their stories.  

But one man's emails stood out among the rest.  There was something special in the gentle but firm way he expressed himself.  We had much in common, and although at the time we were 6,000 miles apart, I felt drawn to him.  Fate intervened.  My family relocated to within 3 miles of him and we finally met.  It was instant attraction.  Something deep turned over in me that day.  For the next 8 months we saw each other secretly in hotels and motels, spending a few hours or half a day together. Every moment with him was orgasmic...he seemed to know exactly how to take me to the edge of ecstasy and keep me there.  I felt beautiful again, wanted, desired.  But I felt torn at the same time.

I love my husband, but the magic, the spark, never ignited, and the years together seemed to dull what little there was between us.  The more time I spent with my Dominant, the more I knew my marriage as it was could not make me happy.  But I started feeling a deep connection to my Dominant that went beyond our role playing sessions, and I pulled away from him out of confusion.  He was deeply sad, but let me go, confident that I would figure out how special our connection was.  I put another ad in Craig's list, thinking that I would start looking again, and this time not allow my heart to be touched, only my body.  But the true dynamics of submission eventually surfaced and I began to realize that my Dominant and I were deeply, profoundly connected.

I met him one day by chance in a parking lot, and he looked so happy to see me.  I didn't expect the intense rush that I felt when I looked in his perfect blue eyes.  A week later, we met.  And it was magical.  Better than ever.  He is married too, to a woman who has no interest in sex.  Neither of us want to hurt our families, because we love them.  But we know that if we give up our personal sexual fulfillment for the rest of our lives, everyone around us will suffer.  

I had no plans to fall in love with my Dominant.  I'm strong-minded and wise.  And the situation is getting tougher by the day as we discover all the things we have in common and realize how truly happy we make each other.  Our spouses sense something; they are both acting clingy and comment on how distant we are.  We are living dual lives, and it is hard.  I haven't told anyone in my life about my relationship with D.  I feel isolated and conflicted.  Some days I want it to end, thinking that by not seeing him the pain would subside.  But it won't; it would only hurt more.

Perhaps there is someone on this site who can relate to what I'm experiencing now.  It would be wonderful to compare stories.  I welcome that possibility. 

Hisdoll Hisdoll
4 Responses Mar 3, 2009

I can relate with you! I am in the same situation except that I do not have any kids. I do not want to divorce my husband who I love very much, who has a good job, and etc. I feel torn. I have an amazing sex with my dominant lover! But, I do not want to marry him or live with him. We have an amazing connection. I am at a point in my love that I feel I have to choose between these two men! I do not want to continue to be with both of them! I think I deserve more than living a lie. But, I just do not know what to do! Sometimes I feel that I have to leave both and find someone who can satisfy me in bed as well as outside of the bed. I just do not know if I ever find a courage to risk everything I have!

I can offer advice. Try therapy. Read When Good People Have Affairs by Mira Kirshenbaum. Spend a weekend without contacting your Dominant. Say something really kind to your husband. Imagine your son flying a kite with another dad.<br />
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The only problem is . . .<br />
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I tried all these things and it still doesn't work. That's the worst part about discovering sex, real sex and profound happiness outside of a sexless marriage. You can never go back. At least not to your old marriage.<br />
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I wish you the best and thank you for sharing your story.

That is a very interesting story. I guess my question would be: So what's the problem? It sounds like everyone involved is getting what they need. "The edge of ecstasy" (what a well turned phrase) sounds like a pretty neat place to hang out.

I can offer no advice but I found your story interesting.