H gets mad and frustrated with me for not jumping up and cooking for him when he sleeps all day and then is up at 10 p.m. He thinks I'm supposed to cater to him.
I think if he can pick and choose when he wants to be a husband and when he doesn't (like when I crave affection), then I should be able to pick and choose when I want to be a wife.
Is that being too passive-aggressive? LOL.
Harley53 Harley53
61-65, F
25 Responses Aug 22, 2014

The other day we were driving back from the south side and I asked H if he loved me. His reply? Yes, but I'd love you more if you'd feed me. I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying I'd love him more if he'd f.uck me.

So, driving back from the doctors office Friday I asked him if he loved me. He said yes, but he'd love me more if I'd feed him !! What?! I bit my tongue to keep from saying I would love HIM more if he'd f.uck me . Grrr!

you either have to speak up or fukk someone else. seriously, what do you have to lose?

Not PA if you tell him. If he doesn't get it, then he's an idiot.

Why the lull? Why's he sleeping all day? Why's he not working?

He's on disability from his work . He wasn't allowed to go back to his job after having a knee replacement b/c he can't climb towers but he's quite capable of walking three miles, & doing everything else

so he could work but simply chooses not to because the "system" pays him to be useless... and you see what in him? I am genuinely sorry if this seems harsh. It's not directed squarely at you, but imho there's nothing worse than a fat, lazy, unemployed, needy man.

The "system" isn't paying him, it's disability from his job, and THEY chose to not allow him to come back to the job after putting in twenty years there. He doesn't even climb towers, he has someone else do that while he performs operating and supervisory jobs. But because he can't climb and that's designated as part of his job description, they wouldn't let him come back. He's two years away from collecting retirement now.

I once had a very controlling, narcissistic husband..im not saying that you have a husband like I did...im just sayin.Some people think that by making others cater to their needs, wants.that their needs are much more important than ours. Praising them, which they demand always...or you will be blamed for not loving them enough, or not meeting their needs.Don't allow yourself to be put in such a place, that you feel used and abused by anyone...especially the one you're married to, he's supposed to treat you with equal value, show you love...if it's there, or not....it will show. Good luck to you, hope you find the answer you're looking for.

If you "have" to serve him, make sure the food sucks and is served cold. When he complains that it's cold, say, "Yeah, well so are you. How do you like it?"

If you are actually prepared to start putting YOUR best long term interests first, the almost certain consequence of that will be to collapse your marriage.
-
Would that be such a bad outcome ?
-
Tread your own path.

yea that's not good at all...my husband can't even cook for himself scrambled eggs...he expects me to cook and put the food for him on the table everyday 3 times a day...if I cook chicken he wants me to cut it for him in pieces and feed him...I mean come onnnnn!!! can't get better then this!!!

I tell men right away, hey if your looking for a mommy with great cooking skills keep on walking!

tell him he's a lazy piece of **** mamma's boy. tell him to cut his own dinner or he'll find it in the garbage. start tomorrow. he seriously needs to grow the fukk up. tell him you are DONE.

Add a response...

You can still get that physical attention you crave but.. it comes with batteries . No offense but your gladly putting yourself in that situation . Giving into of his requests is only showing the power he has over you. Why not actually try cutting him off. It's understandable when you love someone you will always have feelings for them . That doesn't mean you need to sacrifice your time and life for him. Stand up and be who you are or who you wanna be!

Sounds like you guys have your lines of expectations crossed. Both of you should be taking care of each other. When both sides aren't doing there part it just breaks down. Hope yo guys can find a way to talk about what's fair and how you can best treat each other.

marriage is a contract to care for somebody when they are sick. would H look after you if you got really sick if not then get out.

Stop bringing any food into the house. Eat all your own meals off the premises.

Tell him you'll cook when he stops being such a rude *******. (I would add, "and when he meets your physical needs," but frankly - if a man treated me that way out of bed - I wouldn't want to have sex with him!)

Or take a shortcut and tell him to FOAD.

What SmartKat said. I can't imagine wanting to have sex with a man who treated me like crap and told others he deliberately made himself ugly so he would repulse me.

Exactly. The no-sex bullshit is the tip of the iceberg. If a man wanted to get rid of me, behaving like your man does would accomplish that in a heartbeat. Maybe my refuser isn't mean enough.....

Well, for some excitement you can read this book I wrote about every girl I ever has sex with... Check it out <3 '300 Girls: A True Love Story' by Adam Amor http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00H9J76OS?pc_redir=1408548695&robot_redir=1

that's what happens your married you think you have each other no matter what, then you don't have to act like a couple because your married, its always best to live common law then merry

married people are lazy, and thanks im not youth but Im sure the youth perspective is more insightful

Just block the trolls. No need to encourage them by replying to their idiocy.

Why would it be bad if what you're doing is passive-aggressive? I think you're on the right track.

What boring lives you have. ..God almighty

Boring marriage, boring lives, boyfriends and girlfriends don't even go through this nonsense...

"webstuff" is a long term troll/spammer. Flagged spam.

You wrote the below and also seem to be now waiting on him hand and foot. I suggest that you get individual therapy so you develop more respect for yourself and stop letting him walk all over you. Martyrs are killed, not appreciated.

"We were chatting, and H says he "uglified" himself to try to get rid of me and I wouldn't go! He's gained 30 pounds, grown a beard, which is grey, and has grown his hair to his shoulders.
Wow! What a statement. You know, he did repeatedly demand a divorce during the first ten years of marriage. Every time he was angry at me for something he'd pull that stick out to beat me with. He was very successful with it. I would back down most every time b/c I didn't want a divorce. "

Oh, you're good, Mettamomma. You're a force to be reckoned with. Thank you!

Have you seen a lawyer, Harley, to find out your rights? Seems you are with a man who doesn't love you, but just uses you. Blowing off steam here will relieve your pain temporarily, but you will still be living in misery until one of you dies or you decide to divorce him.

Two things stop me --
1. I stand to inherit a good amount of money when he passes
2. I know if I leave him now his family & a lot of mine will despise me (been there, got the t-shirt)
Not to mention I actually do have feelings for the guy. Why, I do not know.

Have you talked to a lawyer to find out what you'd be entitled to in a divorce?

What if you die before he does?

If people despise you for cutting loose a husband who is treating you like crap, you are better off without them.

Do you really feel that money would make up for the miserable life you're living now?

Harley, you are assuming you are in the will.
That could be an entirely wrong assumption.
See a lawyer.

2 More Responses

Can you talk and agree on meal times? or maybe make your dinner and put some in the fridge for him. He can learn to heat something up on his own. You may be doing something important, like reading a book or watching the stars. Something just for you.

I have fussed that he has no regular hours, which puts me in the position of being his personal chef on demand. I may try what you suggest. And he can eat what I fix, or not, as he chooses, or find something else to eat. It's kind of ridiculous though. He'll come from the kitchen, sit down at his recliner, and demand I go make him a cup of coffee, or a glass of tea. What the hell ... ?

Why do you let him order you around like that? Why are you clinging to a man who treats you so terribly?

Actually I do a lot of the time. I remind him he needs to get up and walk, not lay around all the time.

If you are thinking of leaving him do everything in your power to be the change you want to be. If you don't you will have regrets and will thinking about going back when things get tough on your own.

My x refuser was a control freak ...wanted me to do everything his way......but did he ever do anything I wanted ????? NOPE

It was all about him!

Just because you are his wife it doesn't mean he could treat you like this.

It almost sounds as if there are only ''times'' when you crave affection. I kind of need that most of the time,
however small the doses might be..

Being a wife, or husband shouldn't be a ''duty.''
Too many of us seem to have that view, don't you
think?

I agree. No, I do indeed crave affection all the time. I just know it will be denied most of the time so I don't ask.

We are of the old fashioned age of marriage vows;
''the promise to love'', yet forgetting to share, or not caring
enough to share. The sad truth of many longer relationships.
Often one of the pair sees it okay to let sharing slip on the wayside.
Thus, a broken marriage, together or not. Often unhappy, and a
''together'' living arrangement.
By the way, you shouldn't have to ask... The most important vow is
already broken.

I KNOW how that feels! It makes you feel lower than dog crap to try and be affectionate, and being treated like you have Ebola or something!
After a while you just kind of give up trying to initiate any kind of affection.

This makes you feel downtrodden, rejected, and sub par, like you've been cast out and thrown away.

Rixo, after a while, by staying with such a person whom you know doesn't respect you and will never treat you in a good way, you end up collaborating with your refuser. Are the benefits of being married to such a person worth spending your life in misery?

No actually. However there are extenuating circumstances that can delay an exit from such a relationship.
Such as financial considerations regarding how to fairly pay her off without losing one's shirt in the process. That is a work in progress as we speak.

That being said, you're absolutely right!

2 More Responses

If he wants the motor to work, he needs to put the dipstick in once in a while to check the oil!

If you're just roommates, let him cook his own food.