I Am Not Good At Accepting the Reality of My Life

I wrote this on my personal page and wanting to reach out for more viewpoints to better understand the turmoil I feel.   Emotionally I am doing the best I can, given the magnitude of the realities around me.  I've mentioned to a few here that my 10 year old grandson has a rare cancer that produces soft tissue tumors inside the body.  There are no cures, except surgical removal which results in deformity as he grows.  My daughter and son-in-law had to accept and do the best they could.  Whether or not it's a new growth or a result of  previous surgery, it gives my grandson anxiety.  Added to the fact that the cancer was discovered in Spring of 2001, just prior to the World Trade Center Attacks, and that he saw the retakes of the planes going into the Towers, over and over and over again, when he went to Sloan Kettering in NYC and saw the city skyscrapers he use to slink down in his car seat.  God has watched over him and we know that he is with him now.  He has a little "altar" next to his bed .. holy pictures, St. Padre Pio statue, and other little plastic statues.  These are all reality flashes. 

When it comes to affairs of the heart... we have to replenish what we lose and go on as best we can, Like enna says ... "this isn't a dress rehearsal" .... we have go get up and move it and reach for the stars ...ONE DAY AT A TIME ...

.............................................................................................................................................................

Personal BLOG --

I am here at my daughter's house, and wanting to be in my own house so I can water the plants and do what has to be done with eBay... I don't miss being with DH every day and it's a relief to be here where nobody watches what I am saying or doing.  He smothers me. 

I saw he forwarded me an email joke from Bob .. why would I want that?  Where is his head?  Does he realize I am serious?  Does he realize I am hurting?  What if anything is he thinking?

The kids are fun and can be exasperating.  I want to talk with my special friend while here, as usual,  but my adult daughter seems to think I have to pull away .. not at 60 and I can't do that .. don't want to be away from him mentally.  Dad, yes, him, no.. I yearn for adult companionship..... his... need that cup of coffee soon... feel it in my bones.

thinking of when to go home .. running out of clothes and will be out of pills this weekend.

want to write a story but not sure what's in my head... concerns of Nicholas' hospital appt. today and now I find my mom is in the hospital with near pneumonia and blockages.  She said that DH won't ever stop loving me and that made me sad .... so confusing to hear that.  she said he loves me deep down inside.... so do I love him... but it's the surface love and caring and the everyday being by my side and allowing my touch and love ... that I have to have...

....................................................................................................................................................

So that was my personal blog today in order to get a better understanding of my inner self.

I have both good and bad memories and a lot of missed time......

I have life and I have love to share and not ready for the wrinkle cream but I can see as somebody said recently to me.... somebody waving slightly to me up ahead ... my dad, my grandparents, all the people that have gone before.  They loved and they lived and this is our time... appreciate what is good in life and refuse to accept what is bad.

My husband doesn't seek me out where I am sitting and start talking with me.  That would be so so nice to have someone who wanted to talk to me and seek me out... I feel it so close and trying to bring it in closer.  When I let down my guard I get zapped ..... 

Blessings for Serenity Today

 

 

 

reflections3 reflections3
61-65, F
3 Responses Mar 3, 2009

I can't even tell you have much reading your posts mean to me...you have great insight and true compassion and your words never fail to make me think and examine what's really behind the way I'm feeling. Thank you<br />
<br />
In the middle of all this pain you always show such grace.<br />
<br />
I hope things get better for you....for all of us.

Reflections, you are so amazing - your capacity for insight and empathy and self examination never fail to inspire me.<br />
<br />
Pleae may we find an answer that does not tear us (and those we love) apart - but I fear it is an either or choice. <br />
<br />
Today I'm focussed on "me", yesterday I was focussed on "him" - it seems I cannot make up my mind.

Dear R3: Be strong honey. Take care of yourself, wherever you are. <br />
<br />
Have you allowed your mind to just relax and let go?<br />
<br />
I am so very sorry about your grandbaby. My thoughts and prayers are with you.<br />
<br />
Love and hugs,<br />
KFC