Just Another Sexless Marriage Story...

I have read many of your stories and I can honestly say that I completely understand.  I am 34 years old and have been married for 8 years.  Most of the 8 years have been sexless.  In 2004, I had sex twice that year and found out that I was pregnant.  I have stayed for my daughter's sake.  She is a daddy's girl for sure and he is very affectionate and loving with her, but not with me. 

I have tried everything.  We went to counseling for a few months, but he wouldn't participate and eventually, stopped showing up saying that I was the one with the problem...I was a miserable person.   

I have seen some of my darkest days during this marriage as I cannot get any affection from him whatsoever; not so much as a hug.   I've stopped asking, begging and otherwise arguing about sex.  I just do without year after year.   I was, at one time, what I would consider an attractive woman, but I have gained weight (because of depression) and just feel downright old and unwanted.  When I change clothes and he walks by or through the room, he turns his head in disgust.  He avoids seeing me naked at all costs.  I am about a size 8 (5 ft 7 in).  Sometimes, I feel like a part of me has died;  a part of me that I may never be able to get back. 

4everfriday 4everfriday
16 Responses Mar 3, 2009

Hun, it is not about you and your size. It is about him. Do not let him to destroy your self esteem. <br />
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Have you ever tried initiating contact? Have you ever tried seducing him, kissing him, etc?

My thoughts exactly BigTony......size 8;5'7" is no where near fat. Stop putting yourself down 4everFriday.<br />
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ScottR, its good that you are trying and I truly hope things work out in both you and your wife's favor. I truly do.<br />
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My advice to you is to make sure your wife doesn't start to feel like 4everFriday, me and alot of other women that have posted stories here feel. Don't ignore her feelings or make her feel like you don't care about the effects your "lack of sexual desire" is having on her. Keep the communication open.

ScottR - You are one heck of a big man and I cannot let your post go without a response.<br />
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First off, the problem isn't yours: because you have chosen to work on it, the "problem" is both of yours (and that's a GOOD thing). I would give anything if my wife would admit that there's a problem with our relationship (we're in therapy, but it mostly consists of her blaming me).<br />
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Second, why should you feel guilty? You may have an issue right now, but you have met it head on and are working on it - what could you possibly have to feel guilty about?<br />
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Finally, I have the utmost confidence that you will resolve this problem together and will emerge with a stronger relationship because of it. Your wife is extremely lucky to have someone like you (ok, maybe you're lucky to have each other!).<br />
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I wish you the best of luck and thank you for your post. I look forward to hearing about yoru success!

4everfriday - 34... You are so young it hurts to read what you've written. Your husband is the one with the problem and it has nothing to do with your weight (some of the most beautiful people I have ever known are "overweight" and the only thing I would care about would be any health issues).<br />
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You say you are old, but I'm going to be 47 and I can tell you that you do NOT want to wake up 13 years from now and realize that you have wasted time that you cannot get back. You need to convince yourself (TODAY!!) that you deserve happiness. <br />
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The example that your husband is setting for your daughter is horrible - would you want her to endure what you are going through? Of course not and that's why you need to make a change - she'll see what you accept and think that it's acceptable.<br />
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I'd go back for therapy - if he won't go, then go on your own and rediscover your inner strength and learn to see your own beauty again. Never let anyone take that from you.

I understand how you feel completly! I to get no affection from my husband. I've talked to him, even sat down and wrote a long letter. It made no difference. It does make you feel that it is your fault in some way. It's not! It really takes a toll on you mentally. Humans need the touch of another human. We need to feel needed and wanted. I got tired of asking for attention. It made me feel even worse. Now I find I'm losing interest in all aspects of our marriage. Not sure how much longer I can do this. We've been married 11 years. I'm 52 and don't think I can go the rest of my life without physical contact.

So much common ground we share here, unfortunately, but it is good to have our feelings validated instead of believing it's just the way we have to continue until we die. That's what we are accepting, a slow death of emotions from a spouse who is willing to live without desire and our loving touch. I too appreciate the viewpoints shared...<br />
Love "ChaoticLove72" I know my wife loves me....yet its a love you give to a roomate or a friend who helps you with things you dont feel up to doing. Its NOT passionate love. Its NOt desire. Its not....real. YOU ARE SO REAL FOR LETTING THAT OUT...<br />
Blessings tonight

Like others have said already, you are clearly NOT overweight. And even if you were a lot heavier than you are now, that is no excuse for him to behave the way that he has! Do you think that no married woman out there over size 8 has sex? The vast majority of them probably have husbands that are drooling over them, as yours should be reacting to you.<br />
I know the situation though. I also am 34 and have been married since 2001. Nearly the whole time has been an experience in sexual frustration.

Okay, a size 8 is NOT FAT, especially if you are tall. Tell him to pound sand.

Welcome, 4everfriday. I understand where you are coming from. I am new here as well, but the biggest thing I have learned so far is that it is SO nice that other people understand.<br />
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Also, to ScottR - I am impressed by your willingness to post here. Most of us are on the other side, but I think there is a lot of hope for you and your wife if you are taking steps to learn WHY you aren't interested in sex. Good luck to you!

Hi.... i know of the death you speak of. I lay awake each and every night on the couch....where i sleep, dying every night wishing my wife would see the empty spot in my heart that she has started. Ive been married for 9 years, have two WONDERFUL AND LOVING children...and yet i feel so very alone. I have tried everything to get her back in my arms, back in my life...back in my bed, and yet the ONLY times she is interested is on her terms, or when she needs something....like sex is the carrot tied to a stick.<br />
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My father once told me that life without passion...is really no life at all and its the truth. Ask yourself....are you alive right now, or just existing?<br />
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I go on....day after day....doing the same things. I wake up, get dressed, get the kids up, get them dressed, fed and sent to school...i goto work...i come home, do some dishes and lay awake on my couch...dreaming and wondering what a real woman feels like.<br />
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I know my wife loves me....yet its a love you give to a roomate or a friend who helps you with things you dont feel up to doing. Its NOT passionate love. Its NOt desire. Its not....real.<br />
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You are not alone....and i wish upon you the same things that i wish i someday find. True happiness....where the smile you have does not just reside on your face...but in your heart and soul.<br />
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My comment may be inappropriate, but five foot seven and a size 8 is considered a hottie where I am live. It is astonishing how many women feel unattractive because of a lack of attention from their partner. Stop feeling bad about yourself. <br />
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I think that is the true danger of having a neglectful partner. You should be careful because someone will give you the attention you crave and your marriage could easily be in jeopardy. It may sound silly, but I avoid "close" relationships with female co-workers as a safeguard.<br />
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I'm not suggesting you spend the rest of your life in misery, but be careful

At least you are willing to work on the problem. That is so very important and will help in saving your marriage. Don't give up hope. I am glad you shared with us.

There is no affection from my husband in any way. I think that "something" that I am referring to is my "spirit". Part of my "spirit" has literally been killed off by the lack of affection, intimacy and sex. We can enjoy activities together so long as they don't include any of the above. But I am so angry and hostile that I just prefer that he stay the hell out of my way at this point in time.

I don't get hugged, kissed or cuddled. I feel as if I am invisible.

Scott: That's interesting. Can you elaborate on that "Something inside me"?

I remember being 34 and feeling dead inside myself. I'm sorry that you have found yourself here, but welcome. You will find many friendly loving people who have walked the path ahead of you. No real answers, but lots of love and comfort.<br />
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Keep coming back.