This last year all of these emotions have been festering.. I try to communicate but he doesn't listen.

My husband is such a nice person but he blows up on me for the littlest things.. Like completely yells, degrades and makes everything into my fault. He's controlling and likes things a certain way. I've always been a strong woman but I've changed. I don't like coming home because it's so stressful. He's passive aggressive so when something bugs him he cuts me off and gives me the silent treatment until I approach him. When I do he really gives if to me about I did A, B, and C wrong. At this point it's easier to just apologize and take the blame bc then he stops.

It's so bad that I think I'm getting anxiety about it.. Example- I took 3-4 times to make sure I cleared the microwave clock after use.. I've been yelled at so many times. Or I try calling him from work and he doesn't answer... So the entire day I'm worried about what I did and how in trouble I am.


We've been together 12 yrs and have a beautiful toddler but I don't know if I can do this or if I want to.

I've told him all this and now he's freaking out and being very lovey and trying really hard to accept me but at this point I don't know what to do because I think being with him I will continue to be weak and worried and always be the one to be sorry. I don't know if I have the fight or if I feel love.. I know marriage is hard but i don't think this is normal

Advice?
kathryn30 kathryn30
31-35, F
22 Responses Aug 23, 2014

It isn't normal. Took me almost 15 years to figure this same thing out about my wife. She does the same thing. Not cool. Call him on it every time and you will slowly get your self esteem back. A simple 'don't talk to me that way, I don't talk to you that way' is a great place to start.

I am calling him out and he is recognizing it and told me he hasn't been a good husband. I'm going to therapy starting this week..

Good. Keep seeing it for what it is and use comparisons to show how normal people treat each other. Here is the next thing to watch out for though… after a bit when he gets a little comfortable that the current tide has died down he may start throwing smaller, snide comments and insults your way about all sorts of little things. This is where she gets me now and I may not see it until later. Or she does it around friends as an inside joke type of thing knowing I won't call her on it in front of them. Just be vigilant.

He is trying so hard since we talked... Like flowers, cards, yada but I'm not used to all this affection. It almost seems a bit smothering and making me uncomfortable. I know it's a matter of time til he goes back to the usual..

If you know it isn't genuine, then it isn't. Sounds to me like you are suspect of it right now. Tell him he doesn't have to smother you, but only to treat you with respect.

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Everyone has said he's not "such a nice person". So, I'm going to give it to you straight. If a man called me a ***** he would be sleeping on the front porch. I am a woman and EXPECT a man to be a gentleman. Furthermore, you do NOT ask for permission to go out with friends...you TELL him you are going out with friends. The day he disrespected you with name calling, silent treatment, or any other out of line behavior is the day he gave up you offering him respect by checking with him before you go out.

Thank you! I needed to hear this and I need to repeat everyday to myself. Right now he's texting me every hour about how much he misses me and loves me and I'm cringing to myself when writing it back.. Today he just corrected me bc I said "I love ya" and he was like no you need to say " I love you"... Uggg

What stops you leaving? fear of the unknown? If you have to keep telling yourself he will change, you already have your answer to the problem, if you have to keep convincing yourself he is good, then you know he is not. Stop this mental cruelty to yourself and do what you know is right .
Controlling behavior is worse than physical abuse and he will not change only appease you for awhile and then start again repeating this cycle over and over and making the same apologies or directing the blame at you which is frustrating when he is at fault but makes out you caused it.
Whatever you do be strong and stand up for yourself....good luck.

The fear of all of it.. Financial.. Being alone.. How nasty he might get.. All our friends are really his ...

If your friends are really his, given what kind of person your husband is, you don't need those people as your friends. Usually people who are unkind and abusive and have drinking problems have similar people as their friends.

Al-Anon and similar support groups can be a good place for you to find friends.

He corrected you on how you said "I love ya"??? Again you don't NEED to do anything he tells you. What a jerk.

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What is so nice about him? From your message I did not see any tiny bit of nice person...

I think your basic premise - that he is "such a nice person" is fatally flawed. If you are operating from that as a truth, then you are in deep ****.
What you describe is somewhat short of 'a good person'. He sounds like a complete waste of space. Manipulative and abusive.
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It would be easy to understand you wanting to share your life with a truly nice person.
It's a whole lot harder to see any upside to you stying with this bloke.
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Tread your own path.

If he's constantly blowing up and being passive aggressive, then he's not a "nice person". Though I haven't experienced marriage, I don't think this would be normal in any relationship. I'm sorry and I hope you figure out what to do! It is harder when you have a kid too.

I have no experience but I'm here if you need me. (i doubt you will)

Based from my experience and what u said he sounds nuts.. maybe things at work is stressing him out but that is no reason to treat u like that and it won't b good for ur toddler seeing that growing up. My relationship is the complete opposite. My wife and I get along great. The kids do stress her out but we rarely argue about things except our sex life. It's embarrassing to say but the only time shes in the mood is when she's messed up and I am an attractive guy I get hit on all the time, but I won't stray bc I do love her. I'm looking for answers. It doesn't sound like a huge problem but it is for me.

Oh we argue about sex too... He makes me feel guilty and in return I'm no way turned on..

Something might be pushing on him from the inside and you are just unlucky that you caught the face of it. I wish i could help more.

I think ur in a bad situation .. I strongly believe there is a perfect person out there for everybody, I think u need to find him. Maybe if u left for a little while he'll learn to appreciate u more. I put my wife's happiness before I mine. I think when u care about someone instinctively that's what u do. U sound like a great person. I hope things get better

There is nobody for me. I'm just me.

That's NOT true! U need to get out there and least make friends. U deserve to b happy and u r not happy now. My wife's not the most beautifulist women but I make sure she knows I think so.

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The sad part is I haven't even shared some of the really bad examples... Like last month when he called me a ***** bc of how I dressed to a bachelorette party.. Said I was only doing it for attention and no respectable mother would dress like how I did..


Or get so drunk that he yells and doesn't remember then next day

These are signs of an abuser.

Me too. It's a sad situation for many couples and the feeling of missing something in your soul everyday is terrible.

Get away.

Wow, that's rough. I mean, if you're not happy, why stay? I just don't think he's giving you enough respect if he blows up on you like that. Good luck and I'm here if you need to bend someone's ear :)

Thank you ... It's been difficult and complicated with how and what I feel towards him.

I felt the same way before I left they grind you down so that you feel helpless w/o them! Even as I was leaving this us what was going through my head maybe he just doesn't know hiw to show his anger any differently I mean look at how he was brought up ect. Ect. I wept for my marriage but I also KNEW if I stayed I would be dead.

Sorry about spellings just trying to hurry and get it down

Sounds narcissistic to me, was he or is he close to his mother, apron string close? look up narcissism and this may help you deal with him if you feel it applies? good luck!

spend more with ur hubby . have a sexy look till his eyes stuck on u! in dinner kill him with ur eyes and make him realize that u want sex from him and don't say it , make it with ur movements

best of luck

EP Volunteer
any help any time

Sounds like you are living in an abusive relationship, personally I don`t think a woman should endure being treated like that cause it usually never gets better it just gets worse over time.

Sounds like he is a little bit anal about things.tell him how you feel and if it does not change than it is time to separate.

That's not a way to live period.

Blows up? Yells, degrades? I don't LIKE coming home?!?! 😳 Begging your pardon, but WTF is that?!?! I'm no expert, but that's NOT what people that love each other do! And subjecting yourself to this for the next 50 years is insane. It may be time to have that talk with yourself in the mirror and ask "Is THIS what I REALLY WANT for me and my daughter?" You're a strong woman deep down inside! I'm sure you'll come to the right conclusion...for YOU! 😊

What you are considering a nice person is a man who is controlling and emotionally abusive. Please look up info on emotional abuse.

You are wise not to have another child with him. Make sure you are using a birth control method that he can not subvert. The implant method is one to consider.

Please get individual therapy for yourself for support and to clarify your options.

You are exposing your daughter to a bad marriage that also may frighten her while teaching her what to expect in her own relationships.

Free inline and in person groups like Codependents anonymous may help too.

I have looked it up.. And that's why I'm here and why I'm setting up counseling. I can't keep up with it and I can't see myself living the rest of my life like this.

Thank you for the advice

We are here for you so I hope you will continue to post here.

Ignore the men who say things like, "want to chat? Add me" or who send you messages saying things like, "how are you?" They are looking for sex. Block them without responding.

My husband is such a nice person but he terrifies me.....nice people don't terrorize others.

What I had to wonder as I read your story is whether he is a nice man with a serious OCD or control issue that erratically rears it's ugly head. If so, would he consider therapy and/or treatment?

Sorry you find yourself in this situation.

I think it's crazy OCD with a side if controlling... His dad is kinda the same but his mom is very submissive and I not like her... I work full time way more than him and I think he thinks the way they live should be the example for us and I don't...

Also he will never raise his voice or even get an attitude towards work , friends, family but with me he feels completely comfortable doing it and it's not fair to me :(

No, it's not fair. Do you stand up to him when it's going on? I imagine he would get more upset. But not saying anything just makes you feel worse. I have controlling too so I get that. I am in a different place in that I've tried joint therapy (no improvement), he refuses individual therapy (I don't need it) and I've subsequently decided my marriage is over & told him so. Nonetheless he continues to try to control (mainly with money) and it creates tension.

My husband would also never raise his voice outside the house - everyone thinks he's "so nice" but we know better. No one can tell you to leave but I will say all the tiptoeing around and associated stress for you is no way to live and will ultimately take a toll on your health and well being.

I do try to stand up and then it's a shouting fest with no points being made or no solution. He will bring up stuff from the past into the current argument.. He agreed to go to counseling so that's a start..


As for money it's the same too we don't combine money, my name isn't on the house. He said it's bc of my credit but my credit isn't bad.

Did you leave him? Do you have children?

Holy cow about the house - although I don't think this would matter in most states.

No, I'm here for now but biding my time until kids are older. But please don't compare yourself to me....big age difference & EVERYONES situation is different!!!

He is not going to change. He thinks he is right and you are wrong. For your self respect and mental health you need to leave him. The first visit to a lawyer is free and will let you know how divorce will shake out for you.

Do not tell him you are considering divorce. He likely would get more controlling or put on a nice guy act that will trick you into getting pregnant, which would make it harder for you to leave.

I told him I think I might need to be away from him ... The next day flowers, love texts, ect. Constantly wanting to hug or kiss.. I'm not used to it and frankly feel smothered.. Which If this was a healthy relationship I feel like I should be in bliss about it.

Yes that's the nice guy act which also can flip into a mean guy act if he thinks nice guy isn't working.

Keep your separation/divorce thoughts from him. Share with your therapist and trusted relatives and women friends.

Also make sure he can't track you on sites like this. Clear your computer history after using it.

Whether or not he has OCD, his behavior shows he is not a nice person to her. Explanations are not excuses .

Ok will do

I sat in my kitchen last Sunday night. And heard your exact same story from a friend of the family. I honestly thought you were her for a few moments.
When it was all said and done. All I could tell her was to TAKE HER POWER BACK. She had given over to a dominating military man that has been deployed 11 out of the 21 years of their marriage. They started over from scratch so many times it was easy. But now that he is in a corporate position and there is no escape from the day to day in his/her future, she is realizing what a hard, cold, overpowering man he is.

I know them both well and like him. But I knew the first time I saw him "command" his kids, he was a tough SOB to live with.
Her only escape is to regain her position as his equal. If she can't they will end up parting ways.

Will he change? Not a snowballs chance in hell. If she doesn't, she will spend the rest of her life unhappy.

Please don't have another child with this man.

Thank you

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There are too many issues and frightening mental games going on. This person has complete control over your every move and thought process, ..do you feel she deserves it?....Real married people don't do this.

He does to the point that even my friends know that I have to space out my outings with them bc I just don't have the energy to ask him if I cAn go... There have been weeks where I work multiple nights and did a volunteer event at night and I had to hear that I was a neglectful parent bc of it... :(

He is trying to isolate you so he can control and mistreat you more. Please read about controlling abusive men.

They do not change with marital counseling so don't consider that. They put on a nice guy act for counselors.

More than likely the only solution will be for you to divorce. Otherwise you will feel worse about yourself and his controlling behavior will escalate until you have lost ties with friends and are totally dependent on him.

I have been here, they are right. You need to get out! He's not going to change, oh he will for a couple of weeks and life seems good but he always goes back to the dark side always. Mine ended when he yanked the actual phone cord out if the wall to keep me from taking to my friends, and he held a gun to my head. You don't want it to go that far.

I'm glad you found the courage to leave.

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I think you are doing the right thing. Hold off on having another kid. Try to give him time to work on his behavior and keep letting him know you're not going to take it anymore. If he doesn't change then its too much and you can't be expected to stick around in the abuseful situation.

He wants to have another child... I'm terrified to get pregnant and went on bc.