Something changed in me this week. By Friday, I was sitting in a lawyer's office seeking advice on my entitlements and arrangements for child support, should I press the 'exit' button.
I am somewhat surprised at myself, given my history as a 'stay and outsource' proponent (not generally, but for my particular situation). The trigger for me was that on Monday, he drove home drunk again, denied to me that he was drunk, then said that it was ok to drive in his condition, so long as our daughter wasn't in the car.
I have been reflecting a lot on the wise dissertations of the liked of baz, Cherish, Metta, Lao, SK and others, which force me to face the reality that my marriage is a shithole, won't get better, is damaging for me and my daughter and question the wisdom of 'staying for the sake of the child'.
I am scared. Very scared. But trying to gather my courage and strength to realistically assess what a post ILIASM life might look like, and whether that might be best for us.
CalypsoAgain CalypsoAgain
36-40, F
6 Responses Aug 23, 2014

I made 2 lists once I realized what was holding me back was fear. Reasons to stay and reasons to leave.

We have a seven year old son together. Disappointing him and disrupting his childhood was my biggest leaving fear. The rest of the reasons to stay were silly, actually funny: snow removal, yard work, pest control, don't how how to hook up a TV...

My reasons to leave were much more compelling and profound: To be free, to get his beady eyes off me, to stop the fighting, to get my needs met, to finally be happy. In the end, our little boy benefited from the leaving option.

Writing things down and examining, weighing, helps with clarification. It was my lover's idea and he walked me through it.

There is no evidence - none - that leaving an ILIASM shithole carries any risk of you being unhappier.
I am yet to see an ILIASM escapee writing a story saying - "gee I wish I was back in that shithole", and that's since Feb 2009.
Tread your own path.

Bazaar. Once again you are a voice if reason. No one ever wants to voluntarily be tortured.

Thanks bazaar. Good to know the odds.

Good for you, Calypso - you're smart to seek out the legal facts about how things would shake out for you if you pull the trigger on your divorce. When I find myself feeling ambivalent about my divorce and overwhelmed by the enormity of the undertaking, I find comfort in focusing on taking one step at a time. Don't focus on the entire mountain you need to climb - focus on putting one foot after the other, and your journey will unfold just the way it's supposed to.

Thanks Cherish. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. Have decided to focus on documenting certain things about the marriage and family life, to assist with any future orders/agreements I might seek.

Would he get unsupervised visits with your daughter? How do you know that he wouldn't drive drunk with her in the car on the days that he has her? Is there any way for you to ensure that he'd only have supervised visits?

I'm in a similar situation (not drunk driving, but risk of him endangering the children) and it seems likely that, in this jurisdiction, my husband would get unsupervised visits, so I'm stuck because I can't risk the safety of the children. In the meantime, I keep gathering evidence.

Thanks for raising this, Undefined. Yes, he would have unsupervised visits and there's virtually no possibility of only supervised visits - the evidence is not strong enough. The sad answer is that I don't know that he wouldn't DD with her in the car, particularly when he lacks insight into his drinking.
Of course, I currently manage the situation with my presence - if my daughter is with him at a function where he is drinking, I will be with them and I am the designated driver. The down side of this is that it masks how things might be in a divorced scenario. I am very frightened by the lack of control that I would have if there was a divorce. I can't see him agreeing not to drive when he is with her. So I have begun gathering evidence.

I am sorry to hear of your troubles, Undefined.


People that love each other don't put themselves or you in harm's way. Smart decision, Calypso.

Thanks for the support, G'tickler.

Its great that you saw a lawyer. Individual therapy also can help you make up your mind.

Thanks Metta. The lawyer suggested that, too. I have not been to therapy for about 5 or 6 years, but I think I will reconnect with my log psychologist for this purpose.

*old* not log