These are just random thoughts of mine recently as I have gone about my journey. Probably not very clear, so apologies if its a rough read:)

My divorce was absolutely the hardest part of my life journey. It started years ago when I got married. Did I know then that I was going to get divorced? Of course not, but without the marriage I wouldn't have needed the divorce. When I look back at the emotions involved throughout the whole relationship it is truly remarkable. There is no higher high or lower low. When I turn around at 95 (or hopefully 100!) yrs old and look back I will be content and proud. How in the world can a person with a divorce be proud???

Here is how. I loved. I learned. I loved. I learned. I loved. I learned. I loved. I loved my wife. I learned we are different. I loved her anyway. I learned those differences created a wall between us that made neither of us happy. I loved her anyway. I learned that unless I gave it everything I had to make it work I would not have a chance at future happiness. I loved her anyway. I learned love wasn't the key to marital happiness. I loved her anyway. I learned I am fallible and just as at fault for the direction of our marriage. I loved her anyway.

I learned that divorce ends the agreed to financial relationship of marriage, it does not end your commitment to the other person. When you get married you say for better or worse. Well, you can't get much worse than divorcing. I am still there for, not my ex, but my cohort and friend. I haven't broken that part of the vow, and I won't. I suggest to you to read as many divorce decree's as you can find. Search high and low. Not one of them says anything about you having to stop loving one another and begin hating each other. It's just paper.

One of the reasons you feel you are ready to get married is that you love making the other person happy. Well, what happened to the saying of "If you love something, let it go...." Sometimes I think a person has to realize that when they love their spouse they may have to let them go. Admittedly this is a realization I have had only recently, and when I decided to divorce I was very cold and just wanted out ( I am normal!!). However, through the process challenging thought (THANKS BAZ!!!!) I continued to ask myself why it had to be one way vs the other. We weren't happy, it was clear. We are both great people (I think anyway). We both even care immensely for each other. So we loved each other enough to let go...

Now? I will continue to care for the mother of my children. My friend, and the person who has done an incredible job in helping to make me the person I am today. If I could go back and tell myself one thing to keep in mind, it would be this.... get over yourself. If I had done that sooner, I wouldn't have cheated, I would have recognized my short comings earlier, and I would have been more open possibly. Would it have prevented the divorce part? Probably not, again we are just different. That's not a problem, it just is and that's ok.
Usernametbd Usernametbd
36-40, M
2 Responses Aug 23, 2014

One way or another, there is "some sort" of relationship with your former spouse after a divorce.
It need not be adversarial, but you can only ever control your half of that deal.
And even if it gets ugly during the divorce, it doesn't have to stay that way. But again, you can only look after your side of the deal.
It's a credit to you Brother Username that you looked after your side of the deal, and a credit to your missus that she did too.
Tread your own path.

Beautifully said, Usernametbd. Your generous acknowledgement of the good qualities of your marriage and your commitment to being kind to your ex-wife is admirable. I am in the midst of my own divorce, and I hope I can maintain the same grace and dignity that you have exhibited. Bravo!

Thanks! Maintain might not be the right word:) there were valleys for sure, and it wasn't always my goal to end up friends like this but I have to say from this spot I am so glad it ended up this way. Hopefully the more people that see it as an option the more it can happen. Divorce is awful, but it doesn't require hate. Best of luck!