You know I came to fully realize something this morning. My wife needs my love and support, she needs my protection, she needs to know I am here for her.

But she does not need the intimacy I crave. She has tried for years to be "normal" and accept sex as a woman should. But because of the horrible way she was brought into the world of sex, it will never be something she enjoys. Period.

In her desire to be normal and be a lover to me, she has added so much anger and guilt to her life that it has resulted in bursts of pure rage. Striking out at the person that raped her so many years in the past, unfortunately I was the recipient of that rage.

My wanting to be with her, begging, pleading for her attentions, only added many layers of pain to a bad situation.

So now I must decide how to move forward. Intimacy will always be beyond her reach. I have to accept that. But are my needs any less important then hers? No I don't think so any more.

Should I seek out and find another lover? I think now yes.

What will it do to me and my wife. It may actually lead to a happier home life. Course it could end in divorce. But what the hell, that has been thrown around so often around here over the past year, it is almost expected.

Can I give her what she needs and get what I need from another? I hope so.

Is that fair to my future lover? Not unless she is in a similar situation.

I almost wish NC allowed polygamy. I could give two women the love, support and pleasure they need and get what I need in return. Is that wrong to even contemplate. I don't care anymore. It's just the way I feel right now.
Genertaylori Genertaylori
51-55, M
5 Responses Aug 23, 2014

I think you are right about the potential risk of divorce. Given your circumstances it is VERY high already, and adding outsourcing into it pushes the likelihood up to "almost a certainty" levels.
It'd be smart to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you. In other words, to be prepared for this outcome.
Tread your own path.

Not fair to your future lover. I am the OW now and I want more sex from him but he cannot reciprocate due to home life. He states same as everyone here. She doesn't want him but doesn't want anyone else with him either. Same story over and over.

Have you read much about polyamorous relationships?

You may want to read about that, and then have very honest conversations with your wife about it.

Polyamorous relationships are built on love, trust and above all else, honesty. Don't be constrained just by what society says a marriage should look like when you know that your current marriage will never work that way.

I'm still working on my own answers, so I don't know yet what will or will it work or even if I need to go in that direction, but I'm going to try to still try to he positive.

polyamorous.. Hiddenks

Genertaylori's wife doesn't need another lover. She has a problem with sex. I do not think it applies in this situation.
Neither does it in mine since I do not care for a togetherness just to get some excitement into my sex life by staying with my husband. Doesn't apply either.

You made a good deduction on your future possibilities.

I like that you think if the new person 'is also in a similar situation' you could stay, certainly if she also has same idea.

Otherwise, it certainly would be unfair to the new person to be dragged into someone's life where neither your wife NOR you have a doing in it, but you agreed for this portion of her life.

All there would happen is extending the pain to a larger group, someone who happens to love you and the chain reaction just would go on to the next to next to the next.

Is that fair to others?


Well - has she really tried to heal? Has she sought professional help?


She has recently started in the last couple of months. She has a better attitude, but sex is now out of the question.

Will it help only time will tell. I tried to get her into therapy two months after we were married 16 years ago.
Not a chance