So today my partner and I discussed the possibility that we may never have sex again. Due to his drug and alcohol abuse over the years he has basically killed his libido. 3 years and I can count the amount of times we have had sex on my hands. At 30 years old this is a very scary prospect for me. Advice anyone?
coffeedrop83 coffeedrop83
31-35, F
13 Responses Aug 23, 2014

Thanks everyone for your help and support. I guess the leaving part will be hard as I feel my self esteem has suffered so much being in this situation. Hopefully I can make the right choices. X

Have you asked what's wrong?

We have had tests done and years of alcohol and drug use has affected his sex drive and nerves

Dump him and move on, he will never be able to satisfy you. You need a real man who can be a lover and satisfy your needs. Otherwise no matter how much you love him, you will always be miserable. Either that or have an open relationship and have other lovers.

I feel for you, coffee. I'm also one to believe in miracles. You're young, and you've waited long enough. It's time to go.

Miracles are for believers...

You may love him but since you have no sex life with him and he has a long history of substance abuse, it's possible that the love you feel is love based on pity and care taking, not a sensual romantic love like spouses in healthy relationships feel for each other.

Participating in Al Anon, the free, anonymous online and real life group for people whose lives are affected by others drinking may help you figure out what to do.

Is your marriage so wonderful in all other respects,that JUST missing sex next 50 years seems something to accept with tears of joy?
Mentioning of alchogol and drugs I (personally) do not think so....

Your partner? So you're not married? Ummm, waiter! Check please?

You don't say if he is still taking drugs and drinking. Even then you seem to have become his carer and any slight issues he has will take him back to where he was. At sometime later in your life you are likely to look back and ask yourself what have you done with your life, why didn't you move on? It's very scary leaving someone you love but maybe you are simply helping him to stay the way he is and ruining your prospects of normality in the process. Counselling has to be the first option so that you can start to think clearly rather than having your thoughts reverberating inside you going around in circles.

It's such a hard spot I'm in, I love him but I just don't know if I can accept this

You can love him but he may not be a good spouse for you. At best, you'd be spending the rest of your life with a mere roommate.

Well...you`ve probably been told that before, but I think you should leave....and never look back.

Like a horror film you should be hearing a deep voice in the background saying "GET OUT!"

Seriously, you need to ask? Drugs and alcohol abuse alone is enough reason to leave. You deserve more than we he has to give. He will suck everything out of you.

It would seem that the real problems here are his drug and alcohol abuse. The sexlessness is collateral damage to those major problems.
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Maybe you could examine these questions.
(a) - If there was a bit of rooting going on, would it wallpaper over the cracks enough for me to stay ?
(b) - Given that there is not even any compensatory rooting going on in the deal, is there even any wallpaper, let alone enough to cover the cracks for a while ?
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Dump him.
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Tread your own path.

Leave noe