I Fixed My Sexless Marriage. So Can You, If You Stop Whining and Act Upon It.

 So I broke my husband's trust. I cheated. I lied about it. I claimed I respected him, but really hated him sexually. I declared that I loved his mind, but his body did nothing for me. I said I really cannot get myself to have sex with somebody I did not have an emotional and connection and chemistry with. 

So the man became withdrawn. I said "Aha, I cannot have sex with anyone that withdrawn". He became angry. I said "Aha, I cannot have sex with anyone that angry". He became frustrated. I said "Aha, I cannot have sex with anyone that frustrated". Simply put, I extracted behaviors from him that would further justify my not having sex with him. A beautiful self fulfilling prophecy.

And then I said, "Poor me, I am so thirsty and in need of the healing power of. What am I to do?" So I found sites, and guys who provided plenty of that. And I did them all.  I justified all of it saying "It really keeps my family together. I love my children, and I am fuc*ing strangers to keep my marriage and family together." My husband does not know, and heck, what he does not know cannot hurt him. 

Well, finally he did know. It did hurt him immensely. He oscillated between divorce and undying love. It destroyed his self esteem. It hurt my family life beyond measure. Was the *****ing worth it? NO. Was even one of those fuc*s worth the pain I caused? NO. 

This is not my story. It is the preamble. The story begins here. What sex broke, sex can fix. That is my finding in life. 

I went through a phase of feeling deprived, feeling humiliated - that was the worst part of it. Some of my friends knew, and some great friendships were lost (I fuc*ed some of our friends too). So I turned all this humiliation into ANGER - towards my husband. The irony of it all - blaming the poor SOB for all the crap I had caused. it actually seemed quite justified at that point in time.  Well my husband is Asian, of Chinese descent, and a very smart and kind guy actually. Like many Asians (I am stereotyping here), he is mild mannered, slender body - not toned, smaller penis, and ********** quite rapidly. So I became angrier and angrier at being denied by blonde hard bodied well endowed everlasting energizer bunnies. So I declared that I live in a Sexless marriage - until I discovered on fine morning that it was the most amazing bullshit I had covered myself in.

So I said to myself "What sex broke, sex can fix". I started finding sexy things about my husband. I tried crazy stuff. I openly declared how sexy he was - many times a day. I talked sexy to him about him - many times a day. I declared how I wanted to do various things to him - many times a day. And here is the DISCOVERY - the more I talked about him, and wanting him - I STARTED TO WANT HIM. The more kinky things I said to him, the kinkier I wanted to be with him. Check this out - instead of lamenting the size of his penis, it bought ribbons and decorated. Instead of complaining how fast he came, we had races as to who could *** sooner, I turned his negative opinions of himself into positive wonderful things about him - the more he believed it, the more I believed it. He was very into oral sex, and so that became a very big part of how I woke him up in the morning. Simply put, I made a man out of the boy his mother had given me.

He feels like he can arouse me, make me feel passionate, and make me desire him. That is the key. The magical moment a man feels he can arouse a woman, maker her feel passionate, and make her desire him is the moment when something pretty potent and deep is awakened in him - there is no turning back from there, and from then. But it took a ton of effort on my part to get there. And yes, I shamelessly used the gifts god has given me to get him there. 

So women out here, let no one convince you otherwise, or tell you otherwise - If you have the man you want to be with in your life, you can live in a sexy marriage - use sex to start sex - a little match lights a big fire. As long as I have a beautiful face, lovely lips, a pair to **** and a gift between my legs, I fear nothing - I am woman, and heck I will have all the sex I want with this fantastic guy I married because I make him feel Oh, so sexy. 

clearasdaylight clearasdaylight
46-50, F
11 Responses Mar 4, 2009

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Great stuff... and good for both of you.
However, in your relationship your husband did want you but you just weren't satisfied with his performance (before you did the other guys). How would you handle a situation where the woman DOES NOT want sex.... a little harder to approach, wouldn't you say?

I thought I had this issue with my wife but a friend said "go back and find the reasons you fell in love with her for" so I did....haven't looked back since....and she is one amazing and gorgeous woman.

Im Glad it worked out, wounderful story ...

Those were great words.....especially.....<br />
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That is the key. The magical moment a man feels he can arouse a woman, maker her feel passionate, and make her desire him is the moment when something pretty potent and deep is awakened in him - there is no turning back from there, and from then. <br />
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I agree with Fun55....you go girl!!!! Although I feel a bit jealous as I wish he would love me LOL!!! ;-)

well when you put if in there that's pretty much done but i think what you done is great if it works you dont say how long this has been a weak are what time tells all no matter what we do chocjoe2

YES! My ex husband and I were basically at the same crossroads at one point....my story doesn't have a happy ending, but I agree one hundred percent that it COULD have gone that direction, if only......

Thank you for posting this. I'm a refuser but I am trying everyday to become the lover my husband needs me to be for him. I haven't ever been with any other man so having affairs and lovers would make me feel quite ill. I have read alot though and know that I can make my husband happy by just connecting with him sexually and emotionally.

Powerful stuff!

I am so glad you are fixing your marriage. It has been often said that the intimacy of sex is the foundation for the communication that is necessary to create a strong marriage.<br />
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The only thing I will remind you of is that there are SO MANY causes of sexless marriages. You were a denyer and you've spelled out why. There are denyers who just have an aversion to sex, because they don't LIKE SEX. While having a spouse who is willing to do what you've done would certainly be beneficial, it assumes that you LIKED sex to begin with. As a noted author has said, "If it was very good, it can be very good again. If it was never very good, it's never going to be very good.<br />
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Continued good luck in your recovery.

I think your second paragraph speaks volumes. The emotions of the situation are very negative and a near impossible trap for the denied partner to avoid. Still, at least for me they are a trap.