An Update

Hi, Group!

   After sharing my story and reading all of your stories, I decided that enough is enough of this sexless marriage!

   Once again, I bluntly told my husband how I feel about the situation.  I reminded him that it's been 9 years, and he corrected me by saying that it hasn't been that long!  He does not miss sex with me, so he does not even realize how long it's been!

   He basically blamed everything on me and our stressful life and made many of those tired old excuses. 

   I told him that I've just had it!  I am not just a mother and a worker.  I am a woman!  And I have physical needs!  I told him that I need to have sex with him.

   He claims that he misses me, too.  He rubbed my back the whole time that I was talking and crying.  He's been more cuddly and I even got a kiss (the first one in 9 years!)

   No sex, yet, though.

   I'll keep you posted!


Josey Josey
36-40, F
3 Responses Aug 15, 2007

You poor girl. I am in the same boat. He blames me -along with everything else - for is lack of interest. Be prepared for what I call "pity-sex". Complete emotional disconnect, no foreplay and he seems to enjoy it as much as he enjoys folding laundry.

It's funny that yo responded yesterday because I was jst thinking about my hopeless state today. It has now been 14 1/2 years with absolutely no physical contact...not even a kiss. My colleages (female, unfortunately) always compliment me on how beautiful I look. But, that's of little consolation when your husband has no desire for you. I feel like I'm utterly repulsive. Once more, he does not want to talk it out and if I bring up my concerns, he acts like it's no big deal not having sex with me. Our lives consist of work, dealing with any problems/ annoyances that arise, and surviving while caring for our special needs child. Meanwhile, I'm withering away day by day. All that time that we could have been intimate is long gone. I take solace in watching movies and getting lost in the fantasy. My new favorite is John Wayne. They don't make 'em like that anymore. I particularly like how in every movie, The Duke grabs the gal and kisses her. Oh, how I long to be kissed like that! Is it wrong to lust after a dead man? Maybe after I croak and my spirit goes to the great beyond, I can get together with John Wayne. I must admit that if I was ever given the opportunity by another man to experience passion again (even for one night), I would surely take it. Alas, I am completely undesirable. So, thank you for "listening." I was feeling quite alone, but you helped. Thank you. I must say that when one is NOT having sex, sex becomes THE most treasured thing in the world. It's very hard getting up each day and just existing, with no connection to the one that is supposed to love you. And if my husband really loved me, then couldn't he take one for the team. Boy, I must really turn his stomach. In case you're wondering, he's not gay and he does not have anyone on the side. He simply exists, too: wake up and do morning routine, go to work, take care of kid, evening routine, sleep...just biding time until he's dead...He has no real passions. Cheerful, huh?
Well, I must go back to my Duke daydreams...The Ole Duke never says no.

My husband is the same. I feel if I stay it will gone on for another 4 years, then 4 more, then 4 more. My husband also has no passions or hobbies. Nothing interests him at all. Expect drinking. He loves his beer.

Yes, being rejected by your own husband makes you feel absolutely repulsive. In 2 years, we has sex twice. I got pregnant both times. I felt so ugly for being pregnant & feeling fat. PLUS the constant rejection really really took a toll on my self esteem. For over a year, I had a constant bun or ponytail, no make up & wore only yoga pants or sweats. Why bother right? I wasn't looking to meet anyone and my husband did not seem to care one way or the other. I wore scrubs to work and PJs at home.

In April, I went on a girl's getaway and realized what a wreck I looked like. Since then, I am taking better care of myself and did a lot of clothes shopping. I wear make up & style my hair everyday. I even take notice and smile back when a guy checks me out at the grocery store.

And yes, sex does become treasured when you don't get it at all.

Please do yourself a favour and read the book "Behind Closed Doors" by Shirley Smith. Great book about codependant relationships. It's available on amazon or on her website

I hate to say "be patient" because 9 years is way beyond patient! But how about hang in there?

How about don't!!! God, I wish I had left years and years ago. Think of all the sex and love I missed out on, and still trying to get strong so I can leave and possibly make healthy choices instead of recreating this mess in another relationship. But one thing is for sure, nobody should think that this is really fixable, nine years turns into nineteen years, and nineteen into twenty nine years before you know it, and it's a big giant waste of time. I saw something that said "don't live the same year 75 times and call it a life". That really spoke to me. Good luck.