I lost my last post somehow. It disappeared.
I wrote b/c I was angry with my H. He actually told my daughter-in-law I "never" cook for him or bring him coffee or tea. Now understand, that's a blatant lie, number 1. Number two, the man does not work, he's either sleeping or in his recliner 95% of the time, & while he's on disability it's only b/c he can't climb towers, not b/c he can't walk.
I told him (later) I should tell her what he doesn't do for me (the lack of sex.)
Then he told his cousin, who we have had staying with us for the last three days, that I need to clean my closet.
It's nobody's business what my closet looks like. Plus he has his own personal hoards of junk. But he doesn't want to talk about that.
It's like this with his kids as well ... None of us are ever good enough. When I got busy working out & dieting, lost 30 pounds, he told me I "almost" was looking good! What, what? I was getting hit on all the time, but he couldn't give me a real compliment?
I patted his tummy yesterday & told him he was looking good (he lost 10 lbs.) So he remarked that it's only b/c I don't put anything in his belly!
I flipped him off & walked away. Blatant lie -- if I don't cook for him I run go get him something.
Later, I told him he needs to be careful. He's gonna need me in the not too distant future ( he has cirrhosis) & the way he was going at it I wasn't going to want to do a thing for him. That evening he offered to bring me a cup of coffee. I told him no, but he brought it anyway. He didn't even know how I take my coffee, even though we've been married 17 years. You can be sure I know his.
He has been better physically since I ran & got the new prescription his Dr prescribed (I had to actually make that call to the Dr as well.) He's been getting up and staying up more. He actually took me to breakfast the last two days. Very enjoyable getting out for a bit, not sitting home all day listening to him snore.
I made him biscuits & sausage gravy this morning. The whole time he was standing over my shoulder watching, turning off the water when I turned it on, wiping any spills, putting the butter & milk away (before I was thru with them!)
We fought this morning. He kept after me every five minutes, demanding I find us a new stock to invest in. I finally told him to **** off.
I had taken a course on stock investing & had done pretty well. Then I invested in a couple of stocks that took a dip. He turned & sold them at their low, didn't wait for the coming bounce ( which it did.) After that I lost interest in playing the market.
I've not been so angry about the lack of intimacy any more. I'm still somewhat bitter, just not angry. I know he had his indiscretions. His odd timed disappearances in the middle of the night were proof enough. Even my psychiatrist told me, I wonder where he's getting the sex from. She even knew. And, yes, I did see a counselor, & a lawyer, at one time. I had a bad fall in the gym, broke my shoulder, then things went south with my parents. I'm still taking care of my dad.
I know now he can no longer get it up. It still stings that, with the exception of a handful of times in the last 14 years, I've been consistently denied sexually at a time when I was in my sexual prime.
Maybe b/c of my lack of sexuality in my 20's, I became hyper sexual in my 30s & 40s? Maybe I needed to somehow get it into a better balance?
Anyway, we are where we are now & no, H will not see a counselor. He has always refused. Since I'm actively involved in his Dr's appointments now, I did request his last blood work include a check on his testosterone levels. It was normal.
He has Viagra, which sits on the shelf beyond its expiration date. He has no interest in trying to please me, with or without it.
He's snoring again now.
Tonight he has requested meatloaf. & potatoes. Sigh.
Harley53 Harley53
61-65, F
7 Responses Aug 25, 2014

Wow if I treated my wife like he treats you I'd be a dead man for sure

Wow if I lost the ability to get it up I would use my fingers my tongue, her vibrators anything that would give her pleasure. When you marry it is each partners responsibility to ensure other is loved and taken care of. It is so cruel and selfish to just switch of sex because you don't feel like it.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I know what it feels like. My ex just closed up shop and said that's the way it is, refused medical help. You really don't deserve it. Take care.

Thanks. Jules

Don't accept second best. I did and also for the children. It ends up helping no one. Problem is you are being taken for granted. You are obviously such a good and tolerant person that he has slid into this life. He needs to change, or you do. It is pure hell living without romance and sex.

I hear ya on that!!

Remember you are special, you have one life. Take care. I really feel for you. I have been there. Read my profile you will see our experience is very similar. You sound like such a good woman.

I have just read more of your posts. You have put up with physical abuse, a cruel and unfaithful husband. So you know how many lonely loving men there are out there who would love to love you, romance you and give you multiple ******* every night? Do you know that there are some men who will do everything in their power to pleasure you in every way. Imagine a man who would wake up, think of a way he could make each day special and romantic and kiss you sweetly as you woke up to put the sunshine in your life. Please dear don't put up with that man. Don't feel you are obliged to him because he has cirrhosis. You are not a prisoner. You are not a slave. You did not get divorced before, now is your time!!!

When I say you need to change I mean you need to change you life so you are happy loved and cared for. Not sure what wedding vows you took but the word 'cherish' is usually included. He needs to cherish you and value you.

3 More Responses

Cut to the chase.
The bloke is an oxygen thief, but you're going to stay, for some reason or reasons that make sense to you.-
Tread your own path.

Screw his request.
Tonight you request he used outdated Viagra. No Viagra? No meatloaf. Simple… possibly effective.

Who wants to have to threaten their mate with starvation in order to get them to have sex with you? If anyone's deal is that bad, they have no marriage. They are living together in misery.

Sounds like a terribly miserable existence. Are you committed to staying?

On side note, I had to chuckle at the visual of him putting things away while you were cooking. It's sounds a lot like ME! I've always seen this as a way of helping out. Never considers I was irritating my H. I'll make sure to ask the next fellow whether he wants my help or not. :)

You continue to stay with a man who treats you like dirt. You can not change him. You can choose to stop imprisoning yourself with a man who feels contempt for you.

This is true. I'm not ignoring you, Mettamomma.
Not everyone is as strong as you are. I admire you.
When I was working full time as office manager in a failing business, plus running a business 40 miles away, plus taking care of my parents, who had serious health issues, 40 miles the other direction, I thought I was going crazy.
Then I fell & broke my arm, for the third time in six years (once both of them), mom died, dad had a massive stroke, the failing business finally failed, & I felt like something within me broke as well.
I've been on antidepressants & have been trying to get my mental strength back as well.
I raised five sons alone, for heaven's sake, one with cancer.
Where has my strength disappeared to?

The only reason I'm strong is that I've worked very hard to become strong. Over my life, I've gone from being a depressed, suicidal, shy, dependent teen to becoming the woman I am now. It took a lot of hard work on my part and wasn't a matter of luck. I've raised kids, taken care of an ill mother, lost jobs, and had medical problems.


Individual therapy -- lots of it -- reading self-help books and participating in several, getting on antidepressants all have helped me becoming the strong, independent person I am now.

Complaining and taking no action to change doesn't help one become strong. Taking any action to help yourself will strengthen you and step by step, you will be able to free yourself so you can live the life you long for. In general, if one is stuck in a toxic situation, some sort of outside help is needed -- support groups, therapy, supportive, wise friends, etc. If you could have gotten yourself out of your miserable situation, you'd have done it long ago. There's no shame in reaching for help.

That's exactly why I'm here. I am realizing a lot by sounding off in this forum. One has the tendency to think things aren't really that bad, until you write it all down & people hold a mirror up for you to look back at.