My Story

I'm hoping this will be therapuetic.  I met my husband about 6 years ago and we got married after living together for 3 of those years.  Before I moved in, it seemed like we had sex every weekend (when I would stay over).  Shortly after I moved in, something changed and it seemed like more and more work to get him interested.  I even bought some lingerie and let him pick it out so he would be turned on.  It only worked that one time.  A few times I counted the amount of time that would go by without sex, and the longest we went was 6 months.  Every time, I would get so hurt and frustrated that I would sit down with him and tell him how I was feeling and how he was hurting me, and that would initiate a few weeks of him making moves to improve our sex relationship.  But after a few weeks, another dry spell would start and he would forget about sex again for months.  It was an annoying cycle.  After we got married we decided to try to have a baby, but with his lack of sex drive it was hard.  So we created a schedule around my fertile times so we could get pregnant.  It took a year and a half to conceive.  During that time, we had sex 3 times a month on the scheduled days.  But only on the scheduled days.  He never made an attempt to have sex any other times, and he even complained about the times we did have to have sex.  He was tired or stressed or had a headache, there was always some excuse.  After I got pregnant, he stopped initiating sex altogether.  I attempted a few times but failed, so I gave up.  When I was about 7 months  pregnant I finally confronted him again and he apologized and vowed to change, but he still did nothing.  Finally our baby was born and he asked me if my Dr had cleared me for sex yet, but he hadn't, and that was the last I heard of it.  I think he only asked so he could seem interested, but he probably knew we couldn't have sex yet.  It's been almost a year and a half since we have had sex now.  The last time we had sex was when our baby was conceived.  I have brought it up to my husband numerous times, and he says he's sorry and he's going to try harder to fix this, but he does nothing.  There is no intimacy anymore, not emotionally, physically or sexually.  I feel like we're just roomates who happen to have a child together.  We fight all the time and we can't stand each other anymore.  Six years of sexual rejection has destroyed my self esteem and my ability to trust him.  I feel like he doesn't love me as much as I love him, and I feel like he doesn't care about my needs or my emotional well-being.  I've asked him to see a therapist with me but he won't agree, he always says we can't afford it.  We have had extensive conversations about this, and all I get out of it is he doesn't know why he's like this and he's sorry.  He blames his age, and he has told me he didn't have this problem in the past, which makes me think it's me.  But I know I am young and attractive so the logical part of my brain knows it's not me that's the problem.  I feel like I should have left him long ago, before we got married.  I went into this marriage with the knowledge that this was an issue, but I stupidly thought that it was a "phase" like he told me it was.  I believed him and married him and now I wish I hadn't.  But I can't take my child away from a father.  I've considered cheating, but I know that won't give me what I'm looking for.  I'm not looking for sex (although that would be nice), but I am looking for validation and an emotional connection, and I'm starting to become afraid that I'll never find that again.

theturkeyswife theturkeyswife
26-30, F
9 Responses Mar 5, 2009

Bellove, that thought has crossed my mind. I did spy on him and check his internet history repeatedly. I tried sneaking up on him to see what he was doing on the computer too. He was never doing anything interesting, nor was there ever any history of ****. He isn't satisfying himself, it's like he doesn't care to. I would wonder whether he's had an affair, but he is always where he's supposed to be. He just has no sex drive. Thx for the suggestion though :)

It's not depressing. No one says you have to make a decision today. Work on yourself and take care of yourself. Do things for you, things that help you to feel happy. In the midst of feeling better about yourself, you will be able to think more clearly about what you want in life.

I guess I don't really know right now. That's depressing.

I am sorry to hear you are going through this. What are you going to do?

The problem is society allows one partner to deprive the other partner of a healthy sex life. Our smug little asexual partners can sit on their self righteous ***** as we twist in the wind of sexual frustration and society doesn't say one word about how wrong they are to do this. <br />
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james<br />
atlanta

You are not alone! My husband says that I put too much emphasize on sex too. He makes jokes about my issues. He says he should build a sex machine for me. So he does not have to have sex with me. He even bought me a toy! How sad is this? :(

Thank you for all the support. Its so nice to not feel like a weirdo for once. When I approach my husband about this stuff sometimes he makes me feel like I'm a sex addict or something because I bring it up so much, but he doesn't get that it isn't about the sex. He has told me he will try to make an effort to want to have sex more, but that only proves to me he doesn't get it. I don't know if I'd even allow sex to happen at this point, I feel so disconnected from him that it would be like being with a stranger and I'm not that kind of girl :)

I can relate to what you're going through because I'm going through the same thing. Although my husband and I don't have children, much of what your husband's behavior is like seems to be the same as mine. The only difference is that my husband has diabetes, and ED as a result. However, that would not prevent a person from being affectionate or doing other things, but I think there may be deep rooted issues with physical contact, or issues with his ego - I don't know.... ::sigh::!<br />
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I think the biggest realization that I've come to is that things will not change, and its useless trying for that or hoping for that. If you don't want to separate from your husband, you have two choices: remain celibate and frustrated the rest of your life, or have clandestine affairs but always with a sense of the consequences if you're discovered....<br />
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The unfortunate thing is that society in general does not condone adultery, no matter how justified it is. There are not enough people out there trying to research or resolve the lack of sex among married couples.<br />
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I wish I could be of more help. If you ever need to talk, you're always welcome. ::Hugs::

Dear TTW: Welcome! Our stories are similar in that I knew the same things about my husband, we lived together for 1.5 years before marriage, but I went ahead and took the plunge anyway hoping it would get better. It didn't.<br />
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I left my marriage 6 months ago, and not sure where to go from here. I love my husband very much and have lived apart from him trying to heal myself. Rejection, deprivation, lack of being wanted, desired is so very painful. I was so broken when I left him. Interestingly, he decided to start confronting his personal issues once I left in the hopes it would bring me back. With me or without me, I hope he can make peace with his deamons. <br />
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Be well.