Are My Husband's Promises Worth Anything???

My husband and I have been married for  3 1/2 years.  The sex started dwindling soon after we got married.  We have been completely sexless since November 2007. hurts to even write that.  He has excuses....He is a new diabetic, he gained 70+ pounds in our relationship and he has a stressful job/life.  We argue about it sometimes.  It usually ends up that he says I am the one who should not put so much emphasis on it.  He tells me periodically that he wants our sex life to be good again.  It really was amazing but it seems decades ago.  He keeps making promises.  I quit acknowledging them.  I usually give a faint smile and go about my business. I am tired of hearing it.  I am tired of being the only one who seems to think this is a problem.  But most of all, I am tired of not having any real power to change this problem.  He gets to decide when we do it, if we do it.  Why the hell does he get all the choice in this matter.  Before you start writing me about how I should initiate sex, let me just tell you I am done with that too.  I need to know I will not be rejected before I go down that slippery slope again.  Some of you have been rejected many many times.  It happened to me twice.  That may not seem like many but each person's experience/pain level is different.  I have to know that he wants me again.  It's so unfair.  It's been said before and I will say it again.  Those who withhold sex are SELFISH and CRUEL.  I would love to hear from someone who has also received the promises.  Did you start the conversations about sex again? Ignore their lame promises?  Is a promise a good sign or just a nice way of putting someone off?

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14 Responses Mar 5, 2009

My husband is in denial. I try to talk to him about never kissing me, or touching me, or hugging me, and he looks at me and acts like I am crazy. He doesn't make any promises because he chooses to disagree with my assessment of the situation. Most of the time when I try to touch him or kiss him he cringes and gets irritated. The rejection is very painful, and it makes me more leery to try again every time I am rejected.<BR><BR>Recently, on two occasions after he had had a bit of wine, he went along with my proddings (and I really had to work hard at it). The sex was totally unsatisfying for me, he did not try to please me at all, and I ended up silently weeping in bed afterwards. Somehow the subject came up a day or two after (probably me prodding him again), and he mentioned that he had pleasured me the day before. I almost went off on him, but restrained myself and calmly told him that I did not *** during our last interlude (that I forced him into).<BR><BR>So, even when I get sex (through hard work), its not worth it. I imagine he feels as if he did his duty and lay low for a while. No promises made, just denials. I agree with you lawmom, it is selfish and cruel.

Dear LawMom<br />
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After reading this story, I think your husband is dealing with depression (related to stress and/or diabetes). 70 lbs gained and stress are classic signs of depression as well as lack of interest in you.<br />
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I suffered from undiagnosed depression most of my life. I hit rockbottom 1997-1998 and fought back '98-00. I tried paxil but it prevented me from it had me jumpy. Welbutrin was the med for me. It was amazing to go from someone who did not want to get out of bed/play video games all night to someone who felt like I could cope with problems (not solve them but just cope with them).<br />
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He may make promises which he wants to keep but if he is clinically depressed it won't be possible for him to tend to more than a few tasks at hand if any.<br />
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good luck

and please disregard that preposterous advice from clearasdaylight and danaesiobhan, they really have NO idea what they are talking about!!

@ lawmom: I'm in the same situation you're in - married to a diabetic, and been for 9 years. One thing I can say for certain is: things will NOT change. The more time passes by, the less interested he will be in any form of sex. I don't mean to sound rude or mean, but I know it through personal experience. So, unless you really love him and are invested in the marriage, I would advise separation if sex is important to you. <br />
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However, if you don't want to break up your marriage (like me), be prepared for a life of celibacy, internet ****, or... clandestine affairs. For your sake, I wish I could give you better news; but diabetes affects sex drive immensely. <br />
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Also, diabetics cannot take Viagra or Cialis because those may affect their heart (diabetics are prone to heart problems because high sugar levels cause constriction of the arteries). <br />
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I'm so sorry. I know this plays havoc with your femininity and your self-esteem. And yes I agree with you that withholding sex IS selfish and cruel. But unfortunately, some of it is not your husband's fault - he cannot control his body like he wants to. That may be why you have sex only when he "can" - not when you "want" to.

In the beginning my husband made promises to "try harder." We had several discussions about it during years 2-4 of our 10 year marriage. He'd make promises that were never kept. He might try harder to show interest in my body and sex for a week or two, but it never lasted for long.<br />
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Believe me. All the advice about "strutting your stuff" is complete bullshit when it comes to men like these. I tried everything one can imagine to try to interest this man--****, sexy undies...everything. Bottom line, these men always have an excuse because frankly they don't have any libido. <br />
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Eventually trying to discuss it didn't work. He'd shut me down, refuse to discuss it, act like I was crazy. He'd try to act like "we just had sex" when in fact it had been 5 or 6 weeks. He acted like I was the one with the problem, like I was a sex freak. Eventually my resentment grew to the point where I began to hate him. I had so much rage that I couldn't be civil to him.<br />
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So no, the promises probably mean nothing. I feel for you. I have to be honest and tell you it won't get better, most likely. You'll have to accept that your sex life is over, cheat on him (so complicated) or leave.

Wow! I hear ya groovytunes! Sounds like you are fed up! I agree with you 100%

Respect Yourself .... sexual intimacy is expected in marriage and there are lots of ways to love and be loved in return that doesn't include penetration if that's not an option. Rather than get help my husband pushed me into a corner and hoped I would go away easily..... I didn't.... he tried to please me but it was so mechanical ... all vibrating.... with no desire ... a person knows when their lover isn't "into it'...... so why act so superior to us? Because it's their trap .... puts us on the defensive .. we're the oversexed, overbearing, hyper sex seekers.... <br />
This isn't a natural existence .... doing without and begging ... affairs are just dangerous .... and could end up costing you a contested divorce, if it comes to that....<br />
Rejections are sad but then I got mad .... <br />
People can change ... but we can only change ourselves.<br />

I hate to say this, but my wife went from the promises of change to the accusing me of having a problem for wanting a sex life with her... I've been over five years without sex now.... <br />
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Words are cheap... why do our sex withholding spouses need to promise sex in the future... there's no time like the present... they need to walk the walk, not talk the talk.<br />
<br />
james<br />

I'm sorry for yout situation. My wife does the same thing to me. It's always maybe tommorrow, maybe next weekend, maybe next year. Meanwhile, my !$%# is about to fall off! I am tired of her promises, they are completely worthless and I am seeking someone to have an affair with. Maybe it might be wrong, but it is wrong for a spouse to deny sex to the other. Even the Holy Bible warns not to withhold sex from your spouse or you will in essence force them to find satisfaction elsewhere. <br />
I do not have ED, I have a very healthy sexual appetite. For the guys that do? Get over it, take care of your woman. There is viagra and cialis for a reason, just take the damn pill already. And if that doesn't work for you there are other ways. You got a tongue don't you? Go to the sex shop and buy a vibrator and use it on her. And if you're too embarrased to go inside here's a But do SOMETHING!!!! And be glad you have a woman that WANTS to have sex. And if you still can't get over yourself and want to do without, I'll be glad to trade.

You didn't say how old you are not that it matters. I'm 52 and am going through the same thing. I've tried everything and suggested everything. Now I'm asking myself am I ready to go without sex for the rest of my life as well as any kind of real affection. I wish you the best.

No explanation needed here my friend. Read my stories. I tried everything and anything to get my husband's attention. I'm no slouch either. . . LOL My husband is so beautiful, I just wanted to grab him constantly. I had to use every bit of constraint I had in me for the simple fact that he didn't want to be touched. It's not easy, nor is it fun. It hurts like hell.

I am going to appear snotty on this one. Dear sexless marriage posters, please ignore the two comments made about "strutting your stuff". It is obvious to me that these people have no clue.<br />
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If you can weed out the good advice or the people who share your own experience and take what you need and leave the rest, you will benefit tremendously from this site.<br />
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I do not advise giving up on your marriage until you have exhausted the possibilities to death. We all know that we can not change anyone else, we can only change ourselves. If someone refuses to acknowledge they have a problem or acknowledges, but refuses to seek help it is out of your control. <br />
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Seek happiness inside yourself and your truth will surface. I wish you love and luck. Please feel free to reach out.

At the risk of sounding so so trite, I am begging you both not to give up. Fear of failure took me down a winding road of despair and the effort it takes to come back up is monumental.<br />
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Those that withhold sex or seem to reject it do so from a deep sense of fear and a deep need for appreciation. May I urge you both to play and find that fear you can put out, and that appreciation you can provide which will reignite. I promise you it will. It did for me.

We have similar stories. I also gave up initiating, and I am slowly giving up on even having conversations or even acknowledging his promises. I feel like they are all lies and I don't really trust him anymore. Two rejections is more than enough in my opinion, especially since you so rarely have sex. Think of it in terms of percentages, if you had sex once and were rejected twice, that's a rate of rejection of 66%. Who wants to keep playing with those odds? Honestly, I don't think a promise means a whole lot of anything unless you see results.