OK, so I don't actually have a totally a sexless marriage but here's my input & what we have that others don't have. Communication. We've been together for 20 years, married for 13 yrs, both over 60 yrs of age. When we first got together, sex was very often and great. The last 5 or so years have been a real trial as far as health goes. Hubby almost died twice and along with other issues, most inherited, he now has to take quite a few medications and 2 or 3 really trash the sex drive. The thing is we talk openly about this, (and most everything else). It's sad that those who have been married for a long time are shut out of their partners reasons for shutting off the sexual side of their relationship. When sex is taken away, so is the closeness and emotions, so much more is lost than just the act itself and when two people are no longer intimate mentally as well as sexually, it's a big self-esteem issue which causes a snowballing action until one or both lose not only the love they had but also the respect for their partner. Many couples are to embarrassed to want to speak about it, but it's your partner whom you should be talking with instead of shutting out. But if one won't talk openly with the other, it's pretty much over and healthier to move on. Be sure to end one before beginning another, otherwise problems just grow and get out of control.
Xlandria61 Xlandria61
61-65, F
4 Responses Aug 26, 2014

It had been over a year for us. She said it was because of menopause, but when she left this weekend, I realized it was more. We, too, communicated and were honest about things, or so I thought. I am sorry for you going through this.

Think of a sexual activity you really don't like doing (think bizarre if necessary). Now image that this activity was the regular way of having sex. Would communication get you to do this activity regularly?

No. Is that really how some people think?!

sure, see for example:
http://www.minddisorders.com/Py-Z/Sexual-aversion-disorder.html

Note the last part:

If sexual aversion disorder is not diagnosed, discussed, or treated, the result may be infidelity, divorce, or chronic unhappiness in the relationship or marriage.

That's very interesting.

I'm a heretic who does not believe that "communication is key" in the SM. My experience has been that there are other parts of the mix, such as empathy, self-awareness, assertiveness, will, and ability to negotiate differences properly that apply more directly to sexless situations.

I also believe that - apart from getting over the embarrassment hurdle - communication skills are not the primary issue either, pretty much all functioning adults are sufficiently skilful to establish that there's a humongous great elephant there. Then it's down to all the other human characteristics how they deploy those skills.

I'm delighted you are open and enjoying life with your husband despite his ill-health, and I think that's more about love and will!

Yes.
The dumbest bastard in the world can "get" what's going on when you say (with conviction and intent) - "lift your game or we are done"

That's the thing with 'communication'.
There is a tendency to think that this is a gift that 'everyone' has, when quite obviously, they don't.
Further, that couples have the unique communication skills that speak the language of the other spouse, when clearly that is not always the case either.
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It's terrific Sister Xlandria that you have communication skills, that your spouse has communication skills, and that together, you speak each others language.
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I think that having the skill makes you lucky. Having a spouse with the skill even more lucky. And that you can both use it, extraordinarily lucky. The sort of levels of luck that it takes to find a really good life partner (which you two appear to have done)
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Tread your own path.

Thank you for your words. I do realize that we are very lucky indeed to have found each other and most people aren't able to achieve this. It also helps if the two people are each others best friends.

Sometimes a great friendship, and even love, just isn't enough.

But for those who have here things and have maintained great communication through the best and the worst times I am very happy.

For the rest of us, it's a path of hope mixed with a shot reality and a splash of desperation.

*Note - doses may vary, please consult your ILIASM buddies for details

Funnily enough X, people in here often make bold claims about their refusive spouse being their "best friend", an "really nice bloke", an "awesome chick" etc. Then go on to describe the behaviour of the individual which suggests these bold claims are founded on very thin evidence.

That is very true, however, I believe that if a person asks themselves, "What more could, or do I want, that I don't already have now." and the honest answer is, "Nothing.", then for you, it must be a perfect relationship. So, when someone else says they have the perfect relationship, they're not speaking of anyone else. Just remember, what goes on behind closed doors...
BTW: I've had other relationships and do know, for myself, what I wanted. I can truly say that I am at a place in my life now that I never thought existed or I'd never be at. Sure, we have our differences but know how to solve them and still maintain us as well as our individual selves. Hope that makes sense.

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