10 Tools to Fix a Sexless Marriage - Are You Ready?

 I received so many emails from people in this forum on my postings on fixing a sexless marriage and equating affairs to rape. They were so heartfelt, that it brought tears to my eyes. I never realized that my life experiences could be meaningful to so many, and there were so many thirsty, hungry, souls in pain here, all searching for intimacy and connection. I never have believed in self-help manuals and feel-good lectures. I am not particularly good at providing advice, but so many have asked for a little guidance so I am going to try. Please, this if my first attempt at trying to organize my thoughts on what happened in my life that was a minor miracle - so please bear with me. I do not intend to be directive or preachy, so if I sound that way, please forgive me. 

My background - I am a white woman, considered very smart and beautiful, and I live in California, and I am an executive. My husband is Chinese American, very smart, slender, Asian body (smaller than average penis, ********** quickly), kind and generous. We were married for a long time, then I missed my hard bodied, blonde, well endowed, and long lasting sex, so I went and had innumerable encounters, 3 passionate affairs until I was finally discovered. My marriage was devastated, my husband was in pieces, long lasting friendships were broken (yes, I fuc*ed some of our friends too) and everything in my life came apart. Then I fixed it all. This is what I did - 10 tools that saved my marriage and life.

1. No more affairs. None. Period. Nada. Resolve to myself that my husband was IT. Told him so. In a manner that he can believe. No more pining and whining that the little princess (me) cannot get the screwing she really deserves.

2. Recommit to my marriage. I bought a new set of rings for us to exchange so he knew that the past was done and the future would begin.

3. Accept his body with joy. Yes his penis was small, and he could ********* as fast as a jack rabbit. So what. The man can lick and suck and kiss and fondle forever. I had to learn to welcome and enjoy what he CAN offer and not regret what he cannot offer.

4. Tell him what a great lover he is. Restore his confidence in himself by constantly wanting him, desiring him, telling him how I cannot wait to have him - and MEAN it.

5. Seduce him wantonly. Approach him a 100 times lustily, sexily, and bring his face to what he wants and needs, and always let him be sexy the way he feels strong and fearless - through oral sex in our case

6. Focus on the future. Always talk to him about what the children would be like, and how he is the most wonderful father and husband any woman can want. I meant it. I love him, and he is the best. 

7. Minimize the past. Deliberately tell him how all the lovers of the past were insignificant, and a mere garbage compared to him - and mean it.

8. No time limits. Tell him that it might take him years to forget what happened, and that I will wait and care for him however long it takes, and there is no rush for him to forget his pain or his anger. I raped him, and I will spend the rest of my life loving him and caring for him.

9. More of a man. Tell him that he is more of a man than all those other boy toys - and really mean it.

10. Enjoy him. Enjoy, and truly enjoy everything about him - the way he walks, the way he talks, and the way he has sex - without expectation or reservation.

The rest will follow. Maybe this is obvious to you all. I was not to me. But this worked magic for me. Our marriage is stronger than ever, our sex better than ever, and our children can sleep well in the night knowing their family is unbroken.

 

 

clearasdaylight clearasdaylight
46-50, F
11 Responses Mar 5, 2009

That's great but my husband tells me all the time je loves me and will hunt me down at work for a simple kiss but bring up any kubd of real sex and he turns off and shuts down. He is always too tired or says he really just doesn't feel like it. He pushes my hand away if I try to touch him in an erotic way at all. I have tried to talk to him an he always excuses it saying, i'm 12 years older an just don't have your drive, but he is only 53. I used to give him blo jobs any time he wanted but for the lasy 3 years I can't even get him to let me do that. It is killing me! I am a very attracive woman and even complete strangers tell me I'm beautiful every day. I cry myself to sleep allot now and I am getting obsesed with his not wanting me. I find myself thinking all the time, what have I done or what have I not done. He tells me all the time it's not me but I am dieing here. Please how can I make him want me again?

I'm an Asian guy who is under-endowed and always dealing with it. For behavior, though, I want to say I have always been able to last quite a while. Small size may be inherited but the fast response is more likely an individual thing.<br />
I am very curious to know, if you would be willing to share, how small your husband is? I don't know much about other men.

I'm an Asian guy who is under-endowed and always dealing with it. For behavior, though, I want to say I have always been able to last quite a while. Small size may be inherited but the fast response is more likely an individual thing.<br />
I am very curious to know, if you would be willing to share, how small your husband is? I don't know much about other men.

I understand just what you are saying.....Very early on in my marrage I felt that I was being left behind....I stayed home with the kids....and he worked nights....and needed some of his week ends to do the things that he loved to do....Week end bike rides with the boys.....Radio week ends.....diving week ends.....But the money was not there for us all to go along....Or not really the place to have a toddler to be....Him being busy with the b oys....and me trying to keep an eye on two little ones....But I digress....<br />
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Well I found a few that would take my mind off of my troubles.....I wised up....and took ownership of way that I was feeling....But now that is has been oh so long ago....He still shows the effects of what I did....And I am trying to do things that will make a difference.

Bazzar -- good point. There is a lot to be said for taking stock, ownership and changing what we can change (and we can only change ourselves). <BR><BR>Your comment is a reminder to me to rethink and continually reevaluate what drives my sexless situaion, what role I may have, and, honestly, whether I care to fix it anymore. <BR><BR>I was responding in terms of it being a tool kit/solution for the denied one in a sexless marriage . I guess, as someone mentioned above, it could be a tool kit for the deniers, those who have turned away from their spouse.

Meh. <br />
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Better titled, "A Refuser Recants and Owns Up to Her Part of Her Sexless Marriage."<br />
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Again, meh.

I think everyone has missed clearasdaylights point - or at least the point I got out of it.<br />
That SHE PRO-ACTIVELY AND FEARLESSLY ADRESSED HER PART IN THE SITUATION and took OWNERSHIP of that. To me, that is the entire guts of the story. <br />
Then, she started to PRO-ACTIVELY try and do something about it, showing HUGE mental strength and determination. She cast off the VICTIM MENTALITY. And, despite no guarantee of success, it seems to have had a pretty handy result. It easily may not have, but then she'd be able to walk away knowing she did EVERYTHING SHE COULD to fix it. Good on you clearasdaylight. I F*&cking admire what you did. <br />
It is merely another of the viewpoints we see in here. Hers is "OWN YOUR PART", "DO WHAT YOU CAN".... and Recognise Reality.

I do not mean to be rude or offend you! I am commenting here because I'm in the same boat...<br />
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My husband is not Asian, but his love making is very similar to what you described. I tried so hard to adjust myself, but it does not work for me. Having a bad sex to me is like not having sex at all. Maybe you had enough affairs and felt like you had enough! I do not think I can live the rest of my life with bad sex= no sex!

Wait a minute!!!! Is not this your post??? Do you have a problem or not??? From your post below, it seems like you do:<br />
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As many of you know by now, I am an "All American" woman (blonde, blue eyed, 5'10", killer body, champagne personality, and just damn smart). A kind of barbie doll of sorts. I am married to a Chinese American man, very asian in many ways, and hip in many other ways. Our fairy tale marriage became a nightmare on Elm street after 12 years. I had this unbelievable craving for hard bodied blonde guys that were well endowed and could last forever. I had affairs and almost destroyed my marriage and my family, but brought everything back to stability from the very brink. <br />
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I am not stereotyping here, but cross cultural sex is just totally different. So if any of you ladies out there are in a cross cultural sexless marriage (of the Asian variety), here is what I found out. <br />
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Asian men (I can only speak about Chinese here), are generally smaller than average in size, and last for a very small time before they *********. They are extremely sensual, and have very delicate bodies, and are extremely good at oral pleasures. They enjoy using toys, and other tools as part of the overall experience. Their propensity to continually lick and suck anything is just unmatched. They enjoy power plays and generally elaborate context and foreplay much much more than the average Caucasian. They enjoy kissing , though they are not well trained in the art of it. They are amazing learners, and enjoy being taught new tricks. God, I sound like I am describing a breed of puppy, but it is close enough. Asian men enjoy the cuddling after sex, and the real way to think about Asian men is to think of the way Caucasian men think of women - needing sensitivity, attention, appreciation. <br />
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So the "wham bam thank you maam" bad naughty boy Caucasian stereotype will not play well with them. And ladies if you walk in with the attitude that it is "intercourse or bust", believe me it will "bust", and a very "fast" bust.<br />
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But you walk in with a view to seduce, and prolong the agony or pleasure, you will find the man to purr like a kitten. I knew nothing of this until I did the most agonizing thing - I sat down with his mother after all the affairs and poured my soul to her, and asked her "woman to woman" what worked culturally. After she forgave me for my straying, she sat down with me and laid it all out. It made a ton of sense to me. I found new ways of making my husband feel wonderful, and powerful. It has opened up the floodgates of my sexual life. <br />
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But I think that those of you here who are in a cross cultural sexless situation, please be aware that you may need to change the pattern of how you engage.

Seems like you have found a great rhythm with your husband and am happy for you! On the other hand, having read your recent stories, I wonder if you are yanking our chain (modern day Pollyanna). For the moment, I’m going to assume your earnest in trying to help. <br />
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If only we all had it within our control to manage our spouse’s desire, well I guess then many of us would not be here on EP. In some ways you are preaching to the choir – amen – but you have arrived with a general/multi use tool kit, which most have tried to no avail. <br />
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In my marriage it is was not about me NOT wanting him or wanting intimacy and s*x. I did not tear down my husbands image of himself, I have been sensitive, attentive, and ego building. My husband is fit and strong and so am I; working out is one of the things we do together. My husband has low /no libido and very different needs for attention/touch/sex. He is an exceptional person otherwise, whom I respect and have always treated that way. No issues of me out and about. <br />
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If it were just about trying harder, you would not find the number of smart, articulate, thoughtful, frustrated and dedicated women on this site. Have you read around the stories here? Seems like your story might be more appropriately directed to the ‘affairs’ group than sexless marriage. The dynamic is different. <br />
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Best to you!!

Did you have a problem with the size of his penis when you married him? I guess I'm trying to understand why his size seems to matter to you so much. I was a virgin when I married and the size of my husband is all I have ever known. I'm not sure if he's at a normal size or not but then even if he wasn't endowed enough to take my virginity I would still only permit him to touch my body.<br />
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I like most of the other things you write about but his size seems to be a major issue for you. <br />
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Sorry if I offend you.