Worried I Am About to Enter Into a Sexless Marriage?

So... we are due to get married in a month.... have been together for 6 years, common law for 4 and have 2 kids ages 2 and 8. We work well together with the kids and shes a great mother.

we are both young and healthy, but she has a much lower sex drive than me. i work out of town for sometimes 4-6 weeks at a time, then home for a month, shes a stay at home mom. whle i am home we have sex maybe 2-3 times in that month (the first or second day im home....usually not till close to the time for me to go away again). outside the bedroom our relationship is up and down. sometimes are snippy with each other and the problem gets worse with the longer since the last time we made love. We have difficulty sleeping in the same bed (one or the other is tossing, turning, keeping the other awake) and one of us often end up in the spare bed (thats done alot for the intimacy). she says she has just lost interest in sex (better to use her time and energy for other things...usually to do with the kids), and shuts me down before we even get started on anything. things were better before  our son was born  but still not great...maybe 2-3 times a week(but had some spontineity). I try to chip in, do laundry, clean up the house, give her a break...but nothing really seems to work. i have suggested we find a baby sitter and find soem things to do together (date night), shes really picky on who she lets sit so thats beeen an issue. I want to rekindle the romance, hoping it will lead to more and better sex. i love her and really want to keep the relationship alive. It is a constant work in progress...but i feel like im the one whos trying to do all the work and taking the initiative, i have to be the one to start any conversations about relationship or sex.

 one of the fellas i work with commented that it sounded like his first marriage.  i dont think i could stay in a sexless marriage...but feels like this is the way things are headed.

think i can turn things around?

bcool bcool
31-35, M
9 Responses Mar 6, 2009

thanks to everyone for the comments<br />
<br />
bazzar<br />
yours were more helpful than you think. there are some resentment issues at play here, also some stress and lifestyle related issues (too much to go into here...could probably keep a shrink busy for years!!)<br />
<br />
caught some of you other threads, i like the observation you had about how people meet their various needs from different people. gave me some insight into my own relationships.<br />
<br />
<br />
working on it-- i had that discussion with her years ago, seem to keep coming back to square 1. bottom line here is that if there isnt intimacy in the relationship then its done, can live with the sex as is (but think it can be better) but not the lack of intimacy. i think the mutual love is still there we have just gotten lazy in our relationship.<br />
<br />
so heres what im doing<br />
<br />
1.) had a discussion with her regarding need to put more time into our relationship. she has to put me higher on the priority list (see #3 below)<br />
<br />
2.) doing more work around the house...no more im too tired excuses<br />
<br />
3.) trying to increase the romance and intimacy (although my suggestion for a bubblr bath tohight was laughed down in favour of desperate housewives)<br />
<br />
4.) dealing with the work issues to try to spend more time at home<br />
<br />
<br />
jrsk007-- brother i know it, the rings just a formality. love my kids and her so im trying the best to make things work.

You are already married. It will only get worse from here.<br />
It's all about the kids now. Enjoy....

If she isn't into sex... she's not going to get more into sex latter on... come one, smell the coffee, sex is not on her list of life's great joys... or she'd be having more of it with you... her sex drive doesn't match yours... not a bad thing, she is entitled to have the drive that she has... it just isn't a match to your... but guess what you're already in a common law marriage, so you can't just leave her... and what about your children. Dude, you're already married.

I can truly attest to not being able to live without having your needs met. I managed to live through nearly 13 years with no sex at all, and five years before that with almost no sex (only when I initiated and often not then).<br />
<br />
After twenty years of marriage I am now seriously considering leaving him. It will break his heart (don't say this because I'm conceited - I know he is a "one woman man") and my family will be totally shattered (we are supposed to be the "happy couple" lol!).<br />
<br />
I had some inkling before we married that sex might be less than ideal - (altho' I never expected total sexlesness) but convinced myself (I thought) that I could adjust.<br />
<br />
Now at 57 I'm faced with a HUGE upheaval to so many lives to get what I want OR to stay and die slowly by inches.<br />
<br />
NOT GOOD CHOICES!<br />
<br />
Better to not get married now and save yourself 20 years of increasing frustration, IMHO.<br />
<br />
However, you could certainly do as posters above have suggested - talk to her about how you feel and postpone the wedding until / unless you see improvements. Just be careful she doesn't give you heaps of sex to get that ring on her finger, then go back to how she is now . . . . <br />
<br />
Wishing you a better future.

Workingonit said it well: "because marriage is about two people who work together to make a family AND want to make each other happy...<br />
<br />
Best of luck, but don't convince yourself that you can live without your needs being met. You'll end up wishing you hadn't in the end..." <br />
<br />
Always remember, sometimes it isn't about right/wrong, bad/good, it's about two very different people, having two very different needs. It's great when couples cann meet in the middle, but sometimes they just can't. Don't get married until you have resolved this in your own mind.<br />
<br />
Best of luck to you.

I think bazzar had a really good point: you, alone, will probably not be able to make it change.<br />
<br />
I would suggest that you sit down and talk to her about your need for more intimacy. She may come back with something like, "You're only interested in SEX!" (like that's a bad thing? HELLO - it's an integral part of a healthy relationship for most of us). If she feels like it's your problem and you'll have to "fix it" on your own, then I would reconsider marriage and tell her that you'd like to postpone it because marriage is about two people who work together to make a family AND want to make each other happy...<br />
<br />
Best of luck, but don't convince yourself that you can live without your needs being met. You'll end up wishing you hadn't in the end...

GOOD LUCK . I have done without 4 7 years !!!!!!!!!!!!

"think I can turn things around ?"<br />
Good question mate. You'll probably get a heap of advice on practical ways of attempting to 'spice things up' and they may be really helpful. Hope so !!<br />
Could be a lot of things going on here, <br />
Resentment (by you) about the lack of sex (by her) about your extended absences, and stuff like that.<br />
"think I can turn it around ?" - - - - yeah, I reckon you CAN, but it might take a lot to do it. Needs to be some meeting of the minds here. YOU alone probably / possibly can't do it..... between you, you probably CAN. <br />
Depends on each partners willingness to do some work for the partnership rather than what YOU can do to get what YOU want - or what SHE can do to get what SHE wants. <br />
Sorry, this probably doesn't help much.

Gee..... sounds like my marriage.<br />
I have been married for 11 years, together for 14 years.<br />
<br />
I just don't get that he would rather watch TV or have other people over to entertain, than be with me.<br />
VERY frustrating.<br />
<br />
Maybe you should wait to get married.......... ?????<br />
<br />
xx