Sexless Marriages - Root Causes and Fixes

 How can we fix something if we don't know what causes it? And if we know what causes it, do we have the guts to fix it?

Root Cause 1: No time. We just don't make the time for intimacy. Note I did not say we don't have the time. I said we don't make the time. We always have time for that extra bit of work, that extra workout, that extra care for our children, and that last email that needs to be sent out. But we don't make the time EVERYDAY to be intimate. Simple answer - if we workout for 1 hour, let us devote atleast 15 minutes every day to being quietly intimate with each other. This works. 

Root Cause 2: No shared activity. I don't mean watching a movie, or going to yoga class. But a shared activity that enables interaction during the activity to share perspectives laughs and opinions. Sharing our minds is a prerequisite to sharing our passions. By actively sharing our minds during an activity, be it a hike, or a walk down the block at sunset, or an afterdinner stroll around the neighborhood, we promote sharing and relearning why we fell in love with each other in the first place.

Root Cause 3: Unreal expectations in bed. Accept each other's bodies. Rejoice in what each can do, and do NOT regret what each cannot do. Honor, appreciate, and most importantly breathlessly anticipate what the other person does. It is not just accepting, and being wildly crazy about our partner that makes them feel special. So don't whine about "bad sex", and how the prince or the princess doesn't get enough of this or that. But enjoy with unabashed passion what our partner brings. Accept your partner's body, and the way they make love that makes them CONFIDENT of themselves.

Root Cause 4: Fondly considering an affair. When you begin thinking of an affair, or fantasizing about an affair, congratulations, you have begun your loveless marriage. Every loveless marriage begins with the contemplation of an affair, of "openness" in marriages, and even swinging. You have just opened the driveway to hell, and it will be just a matter of time before you are there in person. Close the door to all affairs. Commit to your partner, 100%, until death do you part, and suddenly the loveless marriage will find sparks and life.

Root Cause 5: Not playing as kids. Play is powerful. Play is the work of the child. There are children in all of us. The true innocence we all fall in love with is that child within all of us. Play with your partner with paint, toys, running, mud and all other goofy things that only kids play with. It will open new worlds of innocence and reconnect like nothing else can.

Root Cause 6: Forgetting the origins. Our strengths are our origins. Our social backgrounds, our families, our traditions, our cultures, our music, our food, and our history. We many times treat our partner as coming from the same background as us, without honoring their differences. Reach out to honor the origin, the womb where this wonderful partner of ours was conceived. In doing so, we honor their past, and welcome them to our intimate fold again.

Root Cause 7: Not being sexy all the time. Can you end every conversation with a surprise brazen sexy gesture. Can you women accidently touch your husband's penis with a wink after a kitchen conversation? Can you place his hand on your nipples with a wink at a bar? Can you do a million things that say to him, "Gosh, you turn me on so much, I just shake thinking of you? ". Men, can you tell her in a million ways that you smile and curl just thinking of how beautiful her face looked in the sunshine. Can you kiss her neck as you put the children in the car and whisper how ridiculously sexy she looked making those lunchboxes. The idea is to say, gosh darn it, you are so hot, you make me loose focus. 

These worked for me. So I share them with you. I am not being judgemental, but this is what I found, and this is what worked for ME. I hope it has some meaning for you too.

 

clearasdaylight clearasdaylight
46-50, F
16 Responses Mar 6, 2009

Get off this site and stay off you MORAN

Well done everyone. I know that all of us wish Clearasdaylight well - we are all glad that her marriage is happy and we all applaud her for taking the steps she did to reclaim her loving husband and her relationship.<br />
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I hope she will read all the posts and take note of what we are all telling her. <br />
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I cannot resist one last dig though - does anyone else find the name "clearasdaylight" a misnomer??!!<br />
(Sorry - I was attempting to be rational and ob<x>jective but my nasty side showed up again.)

"By support if some of you meant "silently rationalize", "group okay", and "provide group absolution".....<br />
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I think you really need to take a step back and understand how this is really infuriating to people in this forum. Its not about rationalizing, or a group okay, or a group absolution for sins. We are not the sinners... we are the "sinees" - the people who suffer day in and day out for years. Yes, there are some of us who slip and have affairs. We do have bodies and sensations and feelings and passions that we quell and subdue for years, so if we do slip, the rest of us empathize because we know what its like. <br />
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In your other posts you said that you had multiple affairs because of the reason that your husband ********** quickly, and you longed for a blond demigod who could go on for a long time....whereas there are people here, like me, who yearn for a kiss or a hug or anything, we're at a point where it does not *even* have to be sex, but Any form of physical affection!! <br />
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Unlike you, a lot of us remain faithful in spite of severe temptations to stray, so your posts and your response strongly smacks of a cavalier attitude and disregard for what we go through.<br />
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What you should realize is that you're causing more pain to people who are already in pain and don't need any more condemnation and judgement, as well as aggression by statements like this:<br />
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"But if you complain, then I will feel compelled to respond and urge to shake you out of your pessimism." <br />
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If we complain? You never had a sexless marriage, but all of us do. This is our forum to come to for support and encouragement and compassion, most of all. You talk of hope. Most of don't have options for hope or change because its not quite so simple or easy. Its arrogant to presume that you know all the answers. I have a diabetic husband who has erectile dysfunction (ED); and in case you don't know, diabetes is not a curable condition; and gets worse as time goes by. So NO, there is no hope for him to get better, or for me to arouse and excite him by Any means (and trust me, I HAVE tried!!!!!). It will never happen. I live with the pain of being with my soulmate who can never give me even a milli-fraction of what your husband gives you - and all of us here are in similar situations. So please don't continue to patronize us. <br />
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You have a wonderful man who loves you, and forgave you for cheating on him, and took you back. Not many men can do that. Cherish him. You have a good marriage now. Treasure it and be happy. Maybe you didn't mean to rile us up, but if you look at the number of "nods" on the comments posted in response to your post, you'll see that no one has agreed with you, and everyone who posted here are unanimous in that your comments are hurtful and yes, negative - instead of the "...suggestions, tips, pointers, just anything that can fix the biggest wreck in their lives" that you intended them to be. <br />
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I hope you can understand.

This group is not loveless marriage... it is sexless marriage. I love my wife, I have every day of our marriage, I was loving my wife when she told me I needed to get help for my problem of wanting to have a healthy sex life with her my wife. She claims she loves me, but yet she has no desire for physical affection (sex) with me. I read your words and I am left bemused. It is obvious you haven't been in a marriage where the person who is suppose to be your lover rejects you sexually. Maybe you haven't experienced what it is like to be with someone who is closed to sex. Intellectually you might tell yourself, well my spouse has a problem with sex and has no desire... it's not me... but then on the emotional side of life you feel the rejection, you feel the unfulfilled wanting, you feel your natural urges... you have to live with a member of the opposite sex, but sex is refused to you... and that means it is cut off from you period. It's not like a married person is allowed by society to go out and find a sex partner like a single person can. No, not only do our partners get to shut us down sexually, they get to lock us in a tower and throw away the key... and outside of our cells, we have to listen to people like you... prattle on about how it's all our fault. <br />
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You are a quack!<br />
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And a liar... 10 email in private for every flame you have gotten here... show us those emails. Show us the sexless people that your advice turned their sexless spouses into lustful enthusiastic partners...

This group is not loveless marriage... it is sexless marriage. I love my wife, I have every day of our marriage, I was loving my wife when she told me I needed to get help for my problem of wanting to have a healthy sex life with her my wife. She claims she loves me, but yet she has no desire for physical affection (sex) with me. I read your words and I am left bemused. It is obvious you haven't been in a marriage where the person who is suppose to be your lover rejects you sexually. Maybe you haven't experienced what it is like to be with someone who is closed to sex. Intellectually you might tell yourself, well my spouse has a problem with sex and has no desire... it's not me... but then on the emotional side of life you feel the rejection, you feel the unfulfilled wanting, you feel your natural urges... you have to live with a member of the opposite sex, but sex is refused to you... and that means it is cut off from you period. It's not like a married person is allowed by society to go out and find a sex partner like a single person can. No, not only do our partners get to shut us down sexually, they get to lock us in a tower and throw away the key... and outside of our cells, we have to listen to people like you... prattle on about how it's all our fault. <br />
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You are a quack!<br />
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And a liar... 10 email in private for every flame you have gotten here... show us those emails. Show us the sexless people that your advice turned their sexless spouses into lustful enthusiastic partners...

Clearasdaylight, <br />
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Great that you feeling good with your husband and have overcome your own trials and travails. Yea for that! However, as pointed out, it is irrelevant to this experience!! It is not about your contribution.. it is about its appropriateness HERE. <br />
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Can we clear up one thing - have YOU actually every been in a sexless marriage not of your making? Your sage advice is basically the ABCs of how to keep a happy marriage and it is the first "wisdom" I came across when looking for information. It is the MSNBC relationship site, and all the other first response from "google" – generic, simplistic. What this sight offered were people who really "got it", yes experienced it. Have you bothered to read the stories of those here? <br />
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As a woman, you bet it is more than a bit annoying to hear that being sexier or more attentive would make a difference. There is implicit blame, that the woman could do more, do better. <br />
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You are not only out of your depth here but your comments are negative and hurtful. I do not think you mean them to be that way (but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt). But I see many people saying this to you in different ways, yet you don’t seem to hear it. And, really, people have tried to be respectful and restrained in responding …

I strongly suggest you ask those "ten times as many people" to post on the forum so we can see this huge fan club you have - if there are so many people appreciative of what you are saying, why don't they put theircomments on this forum for us all to see?<br />
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I will stop "flaming" you as you put it if I get the impression that the majority of the people who read this forum ARE getting good help from you.<br />
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While it seems you are upsetting more of us than otherwise, I will not let you off the hook.

I regret that you are so self absorbed that you cannot recognise the compelling fact that your experience is IRRELEVANT to the majority of us on this particular Forum. <br />
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Please post in the "I had an affair" forum, or better still, create your own experience.<br />
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I do not see how we can put it more plainly than it has already ben said, but the truth is you haven't got ANYTHING USEFUL to say to us.<br />
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You are so self opinionated that you think YOU have all the solutions to the problems we face - even though you are not now (nor ever have been from what I've read) in this situation.<br />
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Such arrogance and lack of insight is breath taking!!<br />
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If you think you've been flamed, believe me! "You aint seen nothing yet!"<br />
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We come to this forum for advice and support from others in the same situation - not to give you a platform for your self grandiose projection. Got it yet??!!!!!

I am a bit surprised. <br />
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The primary comments and responses of a few complainers in this "support" group seems to be "Gee, oh, really, I am so sorry you are going through this. It must be hard. We have been there. Hang in there. "<br />
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or when somebody says "I am thinking of an affair", the typical comments are,<br />
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"Well, I can understand why. It must be hard for you. Be careful doing that. It was tough for me first."<br />
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By support if some of you meant "silently rationalize", "group okay", and "provide group absolution", it would not be quite helpful to the many who come here seeking not just companionship but suggestions, tips, pointers, just anything that can fix the biggest wreck in their lives.<br />
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For every single "flame" of what I have written, I have received 10 times mails of thoughtful thanks from so many wonderful men, and women. And my posts are addressed to those to whom my experiences have made a difference.<br />
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My postings are not for those who passively enjoy lamenting their state, and have a tired pessimistic view of tomorrow. <br />
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Respectfully, you are not compelled to read what I write. But if you complain, then I will feel compelled to respond and urge to shake you out of your pessimism.<br />
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There is HOPE for all of us. There was HOPE for me. There is an abundance of hope for you too. Embrace the sisterhood of these travelling tales.

I agree completely with michelle, enna, magna, kungfuchic and lawmom!! In fact, I was about to write that things are not quite so simple and that people don't always behave/respond as you suggest - when I saw their detailed responses. <br />
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I've been dealing with a sexless marriage for 9 years, and I love my husband very much; and we are playful, and make time to share many things of interest and adventure; and he can turn me on in a flash with his smile, and still give me butterflies in my tummy after 9 years of marriage. I am also very close to his family...and I have not yet "fondly considered an affair". <br />
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(btw, what does "fondly" consider an affair mean? how can an affair be considered *fondly**???)<br />
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So you see, none of those are really a "ROOT CAUSE" or a "FIX" for people in a sexless marriage! And some of your advice does not even apply for people who are not quite so uninhibited or exhibitionistic. <br />
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When you have two people who are equally committed to making their relationship work, and both proactively work towards that in spite of problems, yes even insurmountable problems...only then will there be a "FIX", as you say.

Thanks, I needed a good boost of inspiration, I have not thrown in the towel yet.

Thank you Magna and Enna, both very well said.<br />
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Magna, when I used to tell my husband he was beautiful he would just smile and walk away. I remember once telling him how when he kissed me, he made my knees buckle, the sad thing is that after I left him he asked if he could still make my knees buckle, at least he was paying attention (yes, he could).

Do you think we haven’t tried all of your suggestions and a dozen or so you haven’t mentioned. Most of us have found this site after years of suffering alone wondering if we were the only ones living in a marriage devoid of sex and intimacy. <br />
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If you paid attention to the people here you would learn one valuable lesson….there are as many reasons for living in a sexless relationship as there are people. We might find some similarities here and there….but one size does not fit all. <br />
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You may not mean to come off insensitive or condescending but you are. <br />
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Oh and FYI…I’m told my husband that he was so hot he made me loose focus. His answer….”what do you want me to do about it?”

Clearas daylght - in one of your other stories Bazzar made a veryy god comment - he said you were being pro-active and refusing to be the victim and he praised you for that. I praise you for that too.<br />
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But please, try to get your head around the fact that is patently obvious to the rest of us - your story is NOT like our's. That is why you don't belong here - altho' you always have the right to comment, you must realise that the inappropriateness of your remarks FOR THIS FORUM is only goingto win you disdain.<br />
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In case you haven't "got it" yet, please consider:<br />
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1 we do NOT all consider having affairs because we are BORED with our marriages. Most of us are very much in love with our spouses and want more than anything for them to return our responses.<br />
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2 those who write in this forum are (to a huge extent) the ones doing WITHOUT sex - whereas in your situation it seems YOU were the withholder<br />
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3 your suggestions are fine - IF the other person is interested. But believe me, we ave ALL tried ALL of the above (and probably a whole lot more that we dont mention on the forum ;) ). NOTHING WORKS!!!<br />
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4 Like most people in a marriage that is NOT sexless, you assume all partners want sex and it only takes the right set of circumstances for it to work - NOT TRUE.<br />
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5 Finally, I've tried to improve my marriage for nearly 18 years - did you stick at your goal for that amount of time? No, of course not. WOULD you stick at your goal for that amount of time? Only if you are an idiot like me!!! No, you would acknowledge (as I am finally able to do) that NOTHING I do works.<br />
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Please realise I don't hate you - I'm GLAD for you that your life is working out so well. I think you did a wonderful thing reclaiming your marriage. <br />
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But please GO AWAY! What you are doing is belittling us - you may not mean to be insulting, but your responses are SO simplistic in the face of what we are going through - it is insulting to many of us to suggest we could "fix" our marriages by following your suggestions.<br />
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I would liken it to someone telling a person caring for an alcoholic to:<br />
just hide the bottles of grog.<br />
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Or someone living with an anorexic:<br />
just make the meals look attractive.<br />
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This issue of "sexless marriage" is far more complex, deep seated and hard to treat than your suggestions give credit for. We appreciate your attempts, but truly you are NOT HELPING!!!

Root Cause #8: None of the above.

Amen, Michelle, my feelings exactly. . . LOL