I Feel Too Young For This to Be Happening...

I am in love with my husband of 4 years.  I am 31 years old and we have 2 small children together.  I'm not sure if this matters anymore but I am what is considered to be conventionally attractive and very fit.  I think I look better now than I did when I started dating my husband so I guess I don't understand why he's lost interest in sex.  His disinterest began long ago when he was going through what I refer to as his 'mid life crisis' when he turned 40.  He just seemed too tired and stressed to fulfill my sexual needs.  I didn't pressure him but over time I realized this wasn't a temporary situation and my self-esteem took a beating as I endured constant rejection.  I say constant because I am a very sexual woman and enjoy having sex often.  We would have fights about the infrequency of lovemaking and I would beg, humiliated, for at least once a week.  That all being said, I married him knowing that this would be the norm for our married life and yet hoping for better.  We went to counseling before our wedding and things improved for a short time but it didn't last.

Well, fast forward 4 years and two kids later and the situation is dire.  We almost never has sex anymore and if it weren't for me initiating it when I get so desperate I can't manage another day - I think my husband wouldn't be bothered if we never made love again.  Also, the lovemaking has become no fun for me or him - there is none of the tenderness that I crave and it all seems like work.  He is very loving and tender to me otherwise - always hugging and cuddling me and telling me I look great, complimenting my fitness level or hair - but nothing sexual.  I don't want to complain but I need more - I'm only 31 years old and I feel like a sex starved animal!!  I do not consider sex outside our marriage an option - I'm in love with my husband and only want to make love to him!!  I still find him incredibly attractive and just want back what we had years ago. 

I was glad to find this community because I feel like I am alone and need support.  I feel like it would be a betrayal of my husband to tell other people we know about our problem. 

Well, that's basically it. Help!

keeptrying keeptrying
8 Responses Mar 6, 2009

Great comments above so very little to add. I wonder if you could tell your husband that there is a time limit on your patience. . . ? This seems to have some effect on some spouses. . . <br />
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As in: if things have not changed for the better by .....(3, 6, 12 months - whatever you think is fair) we will have to renegotiate our marriage.<br />
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This lets him know that you are seriously thinking of going if it doesn't get better, but allows time for him to reclaim his part in your marriage.<br />
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Just a word of caution: some spousses will "change" to keep their partner in the marriage, but revert to the old sexless ways as soon as they feel confident their spouse is going to remain in the marriage. This IMHO is a form of manipulation.<br />
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Whatever happens, I wish you a happier future.

thanks so much for all your comments and support. I guess you might all know how much it really does mean. I feel bolstered by it right now and am going to try to work up my courage to ask my husband to go to counseling with me again. I just can't give up on the feelings I have for him when they are still so strong and passionate. I just want to be loved like that in return. <br />
Thanks for sharing your bravery with me :)

I have a wife that is all about the love... and we hug and we kiss (closed lip pecks), and while this is more that what a lot of married sexless have... it's been five years without sex.<br />
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When it comes to sex, my wife just isn't into it... I think this might be the case for your husband, and if it is I don't think he's going to change.<br />
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You know how good sex is... if someone likes sex, they want sex... and if someone isn't wanting sex it's because for some reason they don't want it.... and if someone doesn't want something a great a sex, well what would reverse such a crazy stance? <br />
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Something deep in our spouse's psyche has switch sex from a "good" to a "bad"... and guess what, since it is bad to them, they can't even begin to think about our wants or needs... push an asexual spouse long enough and they'll lash back accusing you of being some kind of perverse sex degenerate... just because you have the audacity to expect you marriage partner to be your lustful lover.... <br />
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I am so sorry for you... I too wanted nothing but monogamy from my wife... but now I just want a friendly lover... someone who is being as neglected as I am.<br />
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good luck<br />
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james<br />

I would agree that the fact that he's still touching you and saying nice things is a hopeful sign. On the other hand, I'm having a difficult bitter post-sepaaration day (for no obvious external reason) so I also have to point out that the occasional hopeful sign kept me going in my crashing marriage for years beyond the point where I should have evaluated the situation. You need someone external who knows you to assess things, someone you trust. Not talking to anyone will just leave you trying to convince yourself that everything is ok, that you expect too much, that you should be grateful. Find a confidante, even if you have to hire one. Go talk. Then talk to him. He'll tell you he'll change. Talk is easy. If he can't sustain change you'll have to decide whether to keep repeating the cycle...

Hi, I am the same age as you and do not have any kids. But, I still cannot leave my marriage of 8 years. Like your husband, my husband kisses me and cuddles me sometimes. But, there is not anything sexual. I hate myself for being so weak. I do not know why I am so afraid of leaving him. Days are going by and am still in this situation. If I do not do anything, I will stay in this situation until I get old! :(

hello keeptrying<br />
Critical mass has been reached by the sound of your post !!<br />
Yet, unlike a lot of posters here, you are still receiving some level of intimacy and support from your spouse. Might be something to build on there.... who knows ?<br />
I am fast coming to the conclusion (after lobbing here about 3 weeks ago) that unless there is goodwill to address rhe situation in a sexless relationship by BOTH parties, then the situation is unlikely to improve in any sustainable sense.<br />
One party, trying to drive an agenda that involves the other party does not have much hope of success (in my opinion). One person can do something about THEMSELF, but they cant, in any sustainable way, do much about the other person, you might be able to set some sort of example, reason with them etc to open their eyes to the possibility of change, but THE OTHER PERSON ultimately decides what they choose to do.<br />
They decide to join you in pursuit of something that enhances a part of the partnership - or they don't.<br />
The real issue here is when even the levels of intimate behaviour you presently still have start to dissappear too. (thats where a lot of us here have got to).<br />
Gee, I hope that 'base' is still there that you can jointly build on keeptrying, I truly do.<br />
How you might want to build on it requires someone with a good knowledge of you both and your respective motivations that you'd bring to the table to sort this out.

Kungfuchic says it all - and it all gravitates around her words "lack of intimacy". It hurts to be ignored on this level - and the group members will all agree.<br />
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We all make choices and I gather you have made yours to hang in. But at 31 you will pay a price - and over a long time. I wonder if you will end up begrudging him? hating him? 31 is way too young to go thru what some of us older group members are experiencing. I realise kids are a consideration but nowadays divorce is quite common and basedc on your own description you will find a more suitable physical partner. In or out of the current marriage - you will find another sex partner... so 30-50 years of a sexless life - no - Bail out dear!!!

You are not alone, but it easy to feel alone in this situation. I can't say that you will find "the answer" you seek here, but you will find some help and support and love along your journey.<br />
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I met my husband when I was your age and just coming into my own. I married him knowing full well, he was into sex, or love for that matter, but I married him hoping someday, if I changed the way I wore my hair, or spoke, or after he saw what a good loving wife I was. Nothing I did worked to fix or change him. All it did was make me feel worse about myself. Rejection, hurt, pain, and empty loneliness. I wanted to die, I wanted him to die. After swearing that I would never sleep with another man, almost 12 years into my marriage I had an affair. I had to leave my marriage, because I would not be a cheating wife. I love my husband, and even after all I felt he put me through, he didn't deserve to be cheated on. <br />
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After a while the gap will become so large from the lack of intimacy, that everything wonderful about you will start to shut down. Seriously consider living a life this way. It will drain the life blood out of you.<br />
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I have left my marriage, but not cut the chord, because of the tremendous amount of guilt I feel. Somehow, I have managed to convince myself that I am the cause of my marriage failing, and perhaps I am.<br />
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I am 44. Don't be me. Take some sort of action now, even if its that one last fatal attempt at begging him to seek help or else. No matter what choices you make, nothing will be easy. I wish you courage and strength.<br />
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God bless