Not Knowing Why Is Killing Me.

I'm 43 and I've been married for five years, it's my second marriage.  I have three children from a previous marriage and we have one child together who is four.  For the first few months of our relationship everything was great.  Then suddenly one day after we had been living together for about six months, he just wasn't interested in sex.  I was surprised, but figured there is a first for everything and decided not to let it bug me. 

But things got worse from there.  We went from sex 2-3 times a week to about every two weeks.  By the time we had been married a year (together for two) sex had dwindled to once a month, and only if I insisted.  It turned into a chore for him.  As the sex dwindled, so did other kinds of affection.  There were no more kisses.  It has been at least four years since I've had other than a kiss on the cheek, and at least a year since I've even had that.  There is no hugging, hand holding or touching of any kind.

This past year the sex has dropped off entirely.  It has been six months now.  He is not interested in me at all.

I've tried everything. I started excercising and lost weight.  I'm now two sizes smaller than when we met and in very good shape.  I keep trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I tried changing my hair, dressing nicer, etc.  One time I bought some lingerie.  When he saw me in it he said "what the hell is that? " and turned out the light.  Talk about humiliating!!!

I have stopped asking for sex at all because it is just too humiliating.  I refuse to beg.  It is too hurtful that it is just such a chore for him. 

I tried going to marriage counseling.  He refused to discuss the intimacy issue at all.  At this point I have no clue why he married me.  I have suggested a divorce but he doesn't want one.  I have no idea why he would want to stay in the marriage.  We are more like grumpy roommates than husband and wife.

My self esteem is definitely in the toilet at this point.  I know I'm not ugly, or out of shape and I haven't "let myslef go". 

I really wish I knew why.  At this point it would be a relief to find out that he wants someone else, or even that he's gay or something.  At least then I would know.  Knowing would be better than trying to figure out why he doens't want me.

susanlfy susanlfy
41-45
4 Responses Mar 6, 2009

I know exactly where you're coming from. I've been told to think first that this is not my problem, it's his. And I have asked him, begged him for answers. For me it was that we could go weeks, months w/o having sex , or as long as I didn't bring it up or initiate it.<br />
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I have wished that he were gay or that he could tell me he wished I were someone else. At least that would be an answer.<br />
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I've felt that I need an answer to move on.<br />
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We tried marriage counselling. He maintained there was no problem. I finally gave up a year and a half ago, and no we just live in this house. We don't share a bed. I asked him to move out of our bedroom last year and he did w/o an arguement.<br />
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I don't know what else I can say other than you're not alone.

Sorry to find you here .. washed up on the same sorry shore, among the lost and yearning. As pointed out, nothing is simple when you have children involved; needs/priorities need to be balanced. That is not a recommendation that you sacrafice yourself but that you take a balanced perspective. You need to care for yourself and your children. If you are miserable and a martyr… what are message are you sending, what lesson are you teaching? And likewise, if you walk away without giving it your best shot, what message does that send? <br />
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Have you tried marriage counseling or a sex therapist? Put it out on the table as a fundamental issue that needs to be solved. <br />
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Good luck to you!

The first thing you need to do is make “it’s not me…it’s him” your mantra. Seriously say it over and over until you believe it. It’s nothing you did…this is something he has to work out for himself. You can be supportive but you can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to do. <br />
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I think many of us here have blamed ourselves at one time. Many of us have tried to change ourselves…if only we were thinner or prettier or “fill in the blank here”: it accomplishes nothing other then to play havoc on your self esteem. <br />
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You may never have an answer to why he isn’t interested….he may not even know why himself or it may not be something he’s able to talk about or articulate. <br />
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If you think going to counseling would help and he won’t go with you…go alone. Do what you need to for yourself and remember <br />
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~ It’s not me….it’s him~<br />
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We’re here for you….vent…it helps and we really do ‘get it’

Susan,<br />
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Longtimesexless said it all. That's the score, your guy has some problem with sex and it's not your fault. My wife had a negative attitude about sex, and it just grew worse and worse until it is as it is now... no sex for over five years... we are like roommates... like brother and sister... it's insane.<br />
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Sorry your in this boat, but hey, we are more than willing to understand and sympathies even as the rest of the world acts oblivious to the plight of a married person who can't have sex because of their sexually neglecting spouse.<br />
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james<br />
atlanta