My Husbands Pain Pill Addiction Left Us Sexless

I am 45 years old. Fairly attractive. Hard working career woman. All I want is to be loved. I am in a sexless, frustrating, lonely marriage. My husband was a great guy when I married him, but he developed back problems, which led to; pain pill addiction, personality change, impotency, and now five years later, frustration for me and my kids. They don't want to be around him and I am beyond the point of being miserable. When I am just about ready to kick him out, he has a couple of good weeks and I remember the good times in the early part of our marriage. This leaves me in quite a pickle. How do I get love and sex back in my life when I am still married? It is ruining my life. If I get a boyfriend, I am a cheat. If I don't, I remain celibate, unhappy, resentful, and very very lonely. It has been three years since my husband has made love to me. He says he loves me with all his heart, but he has zero interest in love making. I feel as though I am going to explode with frustration and sadness. I didn't sign on for this type of a marriage and I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. He lies, manipulates, and drives everyone away from him. On top of that, he doesn't work, so I get up and go to work everyday, supporting my household. I am starting to hate him and continue to be sexually frustrated and very lonely. HELP!!

fllady fllady
46-50
13 Responses Mar 6, 2009

Wow, how I can relate all to well to his. My husband has back problems and all he ever does is complain about his pain hes gets on pills and then goes right back on them. We have 2 kids together and I have two of my own, and he makes all of our lives miserable. I have left him several times, but I keep coming back because hes says hes changed. I am just about the end of my rope. I believe I have kept it together for the kids, but I am so unhappy, and yes this last time I left I did cheat on him. Any suggestions, I have been through 7 years of this and I don't know how much more can I take oh and he dont work and gripes and complains of taking care of his own children

I am in same position. Im having dejavue. Only one working, kids, hubby with back problems. we didnt use to be like this. So now he has his head rammed up his moms *** cause she has pain pills or money to get them and also his ex girlfriend from 23 yrs ago, because she will front them to him.

I have been married for 25 years now, we meet in high school, yes I am madly in love with him. We ran a business together built a beautiful home, raised a wonderful daughter. We traveled in our RV together, when I ran my races he would ride his bike by me pushing me to go faster. We have been through ups and downs, I have always been there for him. I don't understand him, see he two has been on pain pills for a long time and he also lies, and with all that he had no desire for sex. I just wanted him to get better I always tryed to fix things it only made it worse. He bought a second house in Oregon and would always take off there he would not answer any of my phone calls.When he did could back home he looked like a different person, let me tell you he was. He would never let me see our or his house in Oregon. I was going crazy worrying about him, so I put up my house for sale and pleaded I love him and wanted to be with him. He saw this and agreed to let me go to Oregon, I didn't see that he just wanted the money for the house sale. So we went to Oregon and he watched that money and when he saw that I put it in a CD and said no one touches it for a year, lets work on our marriage , he told me for the last time he doesn't love me it was the last arrow he tossed in my heart. Yes its good i protected that money, but my love for him isn't worth any money in the world. He kicked me out. me and my dog two weeks before christmas. He has not contacted me and he doesn't care to.. I believe it is from all the pills he takes, he lost himself some where! Believe me I am very lost also, I pray I will find my way and get me back whoever that is.My advise to you is take care of yourself , you can only do so much. I can say I love him enough to give him his wish and to let him and his pills go its in Gods hands. I will miss him so, the man I used to know.

I have been married for 25 years now, we meet in high school, yes I am madly in love with him. We ran a business together built a beautiful home, raised a wonderful daughter. We traveled in our RV together, when I ran my races he would ride his bike by me pushing me to go faster. We have been through ups and downs, I have always been there for him. I don't understand him, see he two has been on pain pills for a long time and he also lies, and with all that he had no desire for sex. I just wanted him to get better I always tryed to fix things it only made it worse. He bought a second house in Oregon and would always take off there he would not answer any of my phone calls.When he did could back home he looked like a different person, let me tell you he was. He would never let me see our or his house in Oregon. I was going crazy worrying about him, so I put up my house for sale and pleaded I love him and wanted to be with him. He saw this and agreed to let me go to Oregon, I didn't see that he just wanted the money for the house sale. So we went to Oregon and he watched that money and when he saw that I put it in a CD and said no one touches it for a year, lets work on our marriage , he told me for the last time he doesn't love me it was the last arrow he tossed in my heart. Yes its good i protected that money, but my love for him isn't worth any money in the world. He kicked me out. me and my dog two weeks before christmas. He has not contacted me and he doesn't care to.. I believe it is from all the pills he takes, he lost himself some where! Believe me I am very lost also, I pray I will find my way and get me back whoever that is.My advise to you is take care of yourself , you can only do so much. I can say I love him enough to give him his wish and to let him and his pills go its in Gods hands. I will miss him so, the man I used to know.

I am a male with the same situation. My wife of 12 years has 2 kids I have raised. We have had numerous rides on the pill episodes in our home. I feel for the kids and the pain that engulf's all of us. The kids are now 23 and 21 and basically it will become and has been MY PROBLEM. Yes I guess I have a choice. But my pain is that I have put so much into this life and family and have been so loyal that sometimes I feel I have wasted time here and have not grown as my own person. The heartache is tremendous when you open the door and come home to a stranger who is incapable of getting off the floor, who looks at you and stares through you. I have been reduced to ignoring to save argument and then one day I explode and vent a tirade not fit for xxx ratings. Not fair and Not me. This hurts to no avail. I cry alone and I long for a normal woman and life, at 50 yrs of age I wonder if it is worth it to start over or to just watch and let this person kill herself because she does not want to get help..The most important trigger for me is that she cannot tell me the truth and say yes I took something. The dance is always I know your on something, look at you! And the response is always my back hurts, or I am tired, or yadda yadda yadda, never yes I was in pain so I took a pain killer. ALWAYS A LIE TO ,MY FACE AS IF I AM AN IDIOT AND WILL NOT NOTICE.

Hi everybody, just a note on impotence, that is only that your penis will not get hard, it does not mean you can not use your fingers, tongue and toys. I liev in a sexless marriage with a man who is impotent and he too thinks it affected his whole person, when it only affected his ****. Yeah, I cheat and I am trying to leave, still hard to do.

I am so sad for all of us.

Eh, that guy should worship if he doesn't don't waste time with him dump him. Why waste your life on a guy who cant see whats good for him.

Ah, a little confession here fllady, after a severe prolapsed disc in my back in 1997, I developed a bit of a thing for pain killers in my rehab. It was not much fun, believe me. Not that that excuses, or mitigates anything tho.<br />
Anyway, I got over it, but a side light was temporary impotence, but that was not a problem because at that point the marriage was in a dry spell sexually anyway.<br />
I can understand tho, that it would be easy to go the whole way with pain killers. When I got that right, normal functionality returned (phew !!) but it didn't solve any marital issues.<br />
None the less, I offer this, maybe the major problem is pain killer addiction, with lack of sex a symptom / side effect. Not that that helps IF I am right. <br />
The only one who can do anything about an addictive problem is HIM. YOU may be able to help, but HE must do. If, and I hope like hell, he can, maybe the rest of the picture might gradually fall into place.<br />
Good luck, being in a dynamic where there is an addiction issue is not much fun, and if the addicted cannot / willnot take responsibility for their own choices, maybe the light at the door marked EXIT is beckoning you.

Always think positive. Your negative thinking is affecting your sex life. You should experiment a little bit more. Have sex with people that you dont want to have a relationship. It has helped me a lot when I get distressed. All the best.

It all sounds so similar. Cheating done that, celibacy done that and I am still unfulfilled as human being. My wife and I had a "talk" tonight" and I told her being married to her was very lonely. She is not a bad person just not willing to attend to the problems she has with herself and our brother sister relationship. All my choices are bad, stay, go, stay with my daughter and she goes, etc. But the one fact that I do know is I can not stay feeling empty and lonely for the rest of my life. We have not decided how to or what to do at this point but I believe that by talking with her and telling her that I just can't do this anymore, is a start. It is out in the open and now I can get some Counseling and figure what my next move is. She even asked me if I wanted her to sleep with me tonight(after 8 years) and i thanked her for the offer but that would not help what has already happened. She is not a bad person but she is very closed to the emotional side of a relationship. I need that personal connection and her sleeping with me (with or without sex) is not going to even make a dent in the years of emotional chastity. I know what I need and I need to be connected to my partner and since we can not do that we must decide together what would be the best choice for the Family. So don't put it off, have the talk, don't blame but put it all out there and then step away(figuratively) and make some changes for yourself. If he cannot change then what is the point?

Don't buy into the "your a cheat" bullshit. <br />
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Look, you are thinking about taking a lover at the expense of your spouse, your thinking about taking a lover so you don't have to endure forced celibacy (yes, a sex withholding spouse is forcing celibacy upon their partner, which is cruel beyond belief). <br />
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Your life is slipping away... having a lover is not like cheating at a game of poker or something, this is your life that is at stake, and right now, your life is slipping away without one of the joys of life we are suppose to be entitled to. It isn't fair for one person to lock up the sexuality of another person... how cold and callus. <br />
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I personally think it is a personal affront that our spouses force us to go outside the security of out marriage and seek and find a lover... what a colossal pain in the butt, not to mention risk. For crying out loud they gave their oath that they loved us... some love when they have no passion for us, they are the cheats. They ought to beg for our forgiveness for putting in the unenviable position of having to hunt for someone willing to grace us with physical affection. How humiliating! Our spouses are suppose to be the person who wants us carnally!!!!<br />
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No, you're not a cheater if you take a lover... you're just taking care of your natural needs.

Boy do I see similarities between my life and yours. Only I’ve been in this sinking boat for a bit longer. Sad and frustrating I know. <br />
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My husband also had a back injury and ended up on pain pills although he as stopped taking pills daily…he still complains for pain. Of course he refuses to do any this proactive to help his situation….other then complain that is. He also doesn’t work so that leaves me getting up in the morning to him either still asleep or at the computer and coming home to find him in the same ‘position’ as when I left. I’m very resentful. It does feel like I’m wasting the best years of my life. With no end in sight. <br />
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He was just diagnosed with high blood pressure and is on medication for that….and I believe he suffers from depression (although he won’t talk about it to me…or his doctor) <br />
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There are options for you….you could have an affair and yes you would be cheating…I haven’t ‘gone there….yet and I say yet because I truly don’t know if I will…I do know something has to ‘give’. You could leave him….and yes that I’m sure on some level would break your heart….because no matter how much you ‘hate’ him, you love him too or you wouldn’t be agonizing over any of this. At least that’s my ‘pickle’ or you could do nothing and watch the years pass by….that options truly sucks….trust me…I opted for that one and it’s a lonely road. <br />
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There aren’t any easy answers….I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. Either way you’re going to grieve… your lost fidelity, your marriage or your sexuality. You’ll have to decide for yourself which you can come to terms with. <br />
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In the mean time this place and its people really help….so welcome and maybe in ‘talking’ it out you can find some piece of mind.