Once of Virgin...always One...almost

I joined this group... well, like many of you I guess, I have no where else to turn.  I guess everyone has their breaking point or almost breaking point, where you can't sit silently all alone.

I joined so I wouldn't feel so alone in this battle...but I can't help but feel a bit more isolated than the next person.  I mean I can relate to a lot of you, but I find myself almost in a worst position in a way...let me explain...

Most of you from what I read, have experienced their spouse desire them at some point during the relationship. You've experienced a good sex life SOME POINT  in your relationship.  I however, got married a virgin (he was not a virgin, by far) and the dry spell began in our honeymoon.  In the two week period of it, we had sex twice.  So my story begins...

I got married to my husband at the age of 20.  I was very popular in school, president of many social clubs, homecoming queen my senior year, beauty pageant queen of many contests and got a full ride to the University I attended because of my grades. 

Met him in college, dated for a year and got married. I knew he was very attracted to me because that is what he constantly would tell me and show me. He was always very affectionate. I also knew he had been around A LOT in his past.  Which, at first grossed me out, but then became a bit intriguing and exciting to know that even with all the experience he had..(was in a very crazy fraternity before meeting me), he was willing to wait for me and honor the no sex till marriage bit. We kissed, and cuddled and fondled a lot while dating but we both committed to absolutely wait to have intercourse until we married.  And we did.

I can't begin to tell you how confused I was for the longest time not understanding what happened?  Was this it? Is this what I had been waiting for, for 20 years? Why did he not want to have sex all the time?  I did...I still do.  I'm very sensual and absolutely love having sex with him and love pleasuring him and love being pleasured.  I've never had anyone else nor do I care to be with anyone else. (I can't imagine me with anyone other than him) I wouldn't consider cheating either. But I didn't know it wasn't normal to go weeks and months without having sex until I was about 22 and heard a girlfriend tell me how she was going through a dry spell with her boyfriend because they hadn't in over a week!

A WEEK?!#? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WE GO FOR ONE MONTH OR TWO SOMETIMES! (I thought to myself)

Well, that's when I first approached him...he gave a thousand excuses...stress, work, etc. And well it's been the same cycle since.  We now have four beautiful children together, have been married for 12 years now...and many counseling sessions and broken promises later... here we are.

I'm just so confused.  He swears to everyone..therapist, me, friends, pastor, that we have the best sex he's ever had...I love when we do have sex...it's very erotic and sensual and sexy and hot...but he will rarely initiate. WHY?  He's never rejected me when I've initiated, but if I don't....months can go by.  It's emotionally draining.

He's a great guy. He's trying to please me by helping me out around the house, go on dates, seeking counseling; he's a terrific father to my children...we're so good together...except for this... It's always been this big gorilla on our back...the elephant in the bedroom...and I don't know what to do anymore.  I have my days where I can over look this problem because there are so many positives to him and I truly still love him....and then there are days like today, where I look at my body, and although i love working out and taking care of myself, I know I look good still and feel confident...on the outside, but I know I'm not 20 anymore..and my body is never going to be 20 again....and I resent him for taking me for granted...and yet he promises to change...and time is still ticking....will this ever change?  Can I live like this?  The thing is...I desire to have sex...with him...always...and I also desire the need to be desired.

Well, sorry so long...first time I vent to anyone about this. Thanks for being there.

I welcome your comments. Any advice?

lifer lifer
31-35, F
7 Responses Mar 6, 2009

Thanks you guys for all of your comments. I appreciate you taking the time out and writing down your thoughts. Wishing you all the best....or better than now at least! Till later...

You poor thing, I am so with you on this one!!!!! I am 41 and considered beautiful, extremely sensuous and sexual, and my husband won't touch me with a ten foot pole!!! I love my sexuality, and yet I have lived to curse it. My husband had already gone through prostate cancer when we met, but we dealt with it. After we became engaged, no sex. I had a talk with him and decided that we shouldn't be together, I just couldn't live like that. He told me that no man that loved me would deny me the contact that I NEEDED. Guess he doesn't love me because it's been 3 years. I think in the over 7 years we have been married it's been maybe 12 times, and that was forced. I don't even feel like a woman anymore. I have dreams of what it was like to be held and desired by a man. I wonder how I could have been tricked so completely. What most people don't understand is that you stop feeling like a woman, he stops feeling like a husband, you become two people that live together and share bank accounts. A husband and wife are supposed to be different, to share a closeness that no one else does! I feel your pain to the core lifer.......my computer code is trapped, funny.

Oops I meant fortunately he doesn't reject you when you initiate.

I was a virgin when I married my husband too. He was older than me and was a father and raising two sons when I was still a girl in junior high. I met him when I was 24 and two months later I eloped with him. <br />
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We had a normal sexlife until I found out I was sterile. That was the hardest thing in my life I had to deal with and then meeting idiots that told me to adopt. Anyway after learning I would never have bio-logical children, I shut down sexual, I blamed my husband because he knew and he kept it from me. I was in the process of getting divorced and I was living in my own house when I got sick. I lost my home and had to have an operation. My husband took me in and I realized that love is more than pushing out a baby from between my knees that this man loves me. I am going to try with him. I am going to work everyday on being the wife and lover my husband deserves.<br />
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It's about change with me. I was the refuser and I chose to change.

Unfortunately he doesn't reject you for sex so keep initiating. I don't know what his issues are though he must want you somewhat if he's not rejecting when you initiate.

lifer,<br />
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I can understand your frustration, but you can count yourself lucky... he has never turned you down when you have initiated... I say initiate anytime you get the feeling.<br />
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My wife not only neglects me, but she rejects me. It's been five years without sex... it is like sex just ceased to exist... well of course she knows sex exists... she just thinks sex exists for degenerates... yes, when asks if she'd go to counseling she told me I'm the one that wants sex, I'm the one that needs help, she thinks she is just fine (that's right in her mind asexuality is the norm).<br />
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You are so lucky... any number of here would jump for joy if we had a spouse the at least didn't reject us. Read the stories, of people that have been sneered at, laughed at, yelled at, and just ignore, when they have been in tears begging for some sex from their spouse...<br />
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Even though you're not as bad off, I still understand how awful what you have to live with is... Any sexual neglect/abuse is horrible.<br />
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james<br />
atlanta

Believe it or not, I can totally relate to your situation. It seemed like the moment the ring went on my wife's finger, the sex switch turned off. We;ve been married almost eleven years and our sex life has been at best, dismal. I'm at a point where I don't care if what happens to her. It's bad enough that if she stepped in front of a bus tomorrow, I'd be more concerned with paying for her funeral than the fact she died. I don't mean to sound horrible, but it's hard to care anymore.