I've been married 25 years. When the sexless time of our marriage first started about 5 years ago on and off, mostly off now a days, I was angry. I loved on, had an affair, moved out, started my life anew. Then I made the mistake of dating my husband. He said all the right things and did all the right moves. I moved home. Now I find myself right back where I started. Unsexed and unhappy.
Iamhellonwheels Iamhellonwheels
46-50, F
14 Responses Aug 28, 2014

Same here

I like "hellonwheels" wanta chat?

May need to just find other lovers.....

You know exactly what you need to do to live a more fulfilling life. If you lack the courage and confidence to do that, individual therapy may help.

So you should leave him again.

Sorry to hear that, I that kind of marriage sucks

It's never too late! You're too young to live miserably.

Stories in here from members who left their dysfunctional deal (and stayed left) come up all the time and uniformly say two things.
1 - their life now is way better
2 - they wish they'd left earlier.
I've never seen a story from an escapee who, now, wishes they had not left. Not one.
OTOH, the odd story comes up here where a member left their dysfunctional shithole, but went back to it. They uniformly say one thing. They wish they hadn't.
Are you going to make attempt #2 ?
Tread your own path.

Still not too late to turn around and walk out the door......you're pretty young to live the rest of your life like that.

I seem to find myself walking the same path you are walking. I hope you find wisdom and strength to do what is right for yourself and your family. Best wishes

Same to you sister. I wish I had a friend here that understood me and we could drink wine and ***** to each other over a sappy chick flick.

Sounds like a wonderful way to spend an evening. What would be your choice for a chick flick?

I'm open. I don't know that I have a favorite. I like Bed of Roses, While you were sleeping, and My Best Friends Wedding. What would be your pick?

I'm pretty open to ideas too. I like The Notebook, Hope Floats, Phenomenon

Oh I like those too, really anything with Sandra Bullock is on the top of my list.

Oh and don't forget Pretty Woman. It's a good one too.

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Ummm, just so I'm sure I'm not over reacting....had an affair while still living with your husband, moved out...then DATED the guy you moved out from and then moved back in? 😳 I "think" I read that correctly.

I can't even think of anything constructive to say. Let me think about this for a while, please.

We legally separated but still lived in the same house for a few months until I found a job and moved out. Well more than a few months, like 7. We each were doing our own thing. I had moved to the other end of the house so we were just like non communicating roommates. So yes we were living in the same house. We separated for 5 months before we even spoke to each other(once I moved out). Then we started dating for about a month and he begged me to come home. He would change, he would have sex with me, he would make an effort etc. At the time we legally separated we had not touched in a long time, his choice not mine. I am very physical. I like to hug and hold hands and just touch each other while watching tv. He moves away or invites the dog to sit between us. Like, here touch this.

I've thought about this now! Preface this ALL with "This is just my opinion!"

Guys that are young ( you said you're about 45 and have been married for over 20 years) are typically SO SURE of what they are doing ( insert HAHAHAHA WHAT A JOKE! Comment here.) that they can't see past the end of their noses! And "Yes, I'm a guy!", but when we see it crumbling around us, most guys revert to the oft mentioned, but rarely seen " HONEY!! I was wrong! ANYTHING YOU SAY!" 😩 And then when they SUCK YOU BACK IN, they fall back into the same old worthless habits that you left them for to start with! Sounds like you got stuck with "Most Guys". My constructive suggestion is to leave this guy tomorrow! It really doesn't matter how long you've been together (And I know how thoughtless that comment sounds after having been with someone for such a LONG TIME) , however, this guy doesn't sound like he's interested in your happiness or satisfaction. This is a guy that wants to control someone. Life's WAY TOO SHORT to be stuck with someone like that! If you want, PM me and you can come stay on the left Coast with me while you're trying to sort it out. Just saying! 😊

Ummm, where to start. Haven't been called "*****" before, but if that makes you feel better, Rock On! As far as the "sweeping generalizations" go, if you're of the opinion that it's more accurate to say that "guys are Noble beings, fortified by the ongoing desire to be sure that we leave a legacy of chivalry, thoughtfulness and goodwill toward our fellow man", you obviously; a. don't get out much, b. Are on some type of prescription medication that you should have warned everyone about BEFORE you started posting, c. Have been in the cooking sherry or d. All of the above.

As far as the "trust" issue goes, like everyone here, you are entitled to your opinion. Just don't be disappointed if it doesn't count. 😊 Last, that as you're balling up your fist and the steam is coming out of your ears, that reflection of the sun that you see, that's causing you to squint slightly....ummm, yeah, that's knight's armor! Looking forward to your next insult riddled response! 😊 It must SUCK to go through life bitter AND pissed off.

I have been in fire fights, I have seen death and violence in all its ways, and I have PTSD. I don't think ptsd carries all the responsibility. Life is still a choice. I am also married and I have the greatest relationship with my wife. There are things you can do, but without knowing how he responds to things it is quite difficult to give any meaningful suggestions. If you like you can pm me and we can discuss this in more detail. I have no agenda.
Otherwise I wish you well.

I apologize. I was under the impression that ptsd had something to do with the problem. I don't particularly care if you talk about your experiences, or not. I also do not talk about specific experiences. I talk about effect. If what I what I learned in my experience will help someone else then I will share.

I know what you mean. It is good that you check:-) I do not get offended easily. We're good.

Umm, her response to Stormie said he suffered from PTSD. I "think" everyone figures everybody else has read the whole thread.

Thanks and yes I do believe his PTSD has a lot to do with our issues and survivors guilt and depression. Yes we are both ex-military and we handle stress differently. He shuts down and withdrawals. Today I am tired. To tired to give a sh:t. Today I'm done. Tomorrow I might wake up and fight for our marriage but today I'm done. It's been 25 frickn years! I'm angry at him and the VA. 25 minutes of therapy every 6 weeks! Thanks, that's helpful! No wonder 20 plus veterans commit suicide every day! I don' t mean me, so don't call an intervention! I wouldn't do that. It's just so frustrating! The VA's idea of help is to medicate you. Don't believe what you hear in the news about how great VA hospitals are! They aren't! So thanks for letting me vent :)

And if you're not married to a veteran you have no idea the guilt of leaving. "Oh you're the ***** that left the poor disabled veteran" I can hear it now.

There is a therapy that has fast results that does not involve medicine and it is designed to deal with past trauma. It is called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing). It has worked wonders on a couple of my friends.

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There are only 3 choices and I guess you know it. Stay, have an affair or leave. I see only one, leave. I have been through what you are going through now. Life is short. Decision time. You cannot life an unhappy life. Take care.

I'm sorry :(. You are going to get a lot of "no surprise" remarks, I'm afraid.

I knew it was a bad idea when I did it! It's been 2 years now and about 6 months were great. He suffers from PTSD and depression and I knew those would win out the struggle of his mind and emotions. Yes, I know those issues are not his fault and I don't blame him. I just miss human touch! I miss someone wanting to touch me! It's lonely.

Yes I know what you mean. I'm sorry that you were disappointed second time around, third times a charm they say.

We have been separated before, it's not a charm.

They do seem to know all the right thingsto say and do.......till they get us, don't they? Do you have kids?

You can not save him. He can only save himself. You are not obligated to stay with him. Have you considered getting individual therapy or participating (without your husband) in a support group for people in dysfunctional relationships? Codependents Anonymous is one such group, and it's on line and also in real life, and it's free.

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