So who got a 25 dollar ITunes gift card for their Anniversary? Wait let me think... oh it was me! Well guess it was better than last year where I got nothing! I swear I don't know why I bother anymore. I bought a 40 dollar bunch of flowers, a nice card and a Movado watch for her. She didn't like the watch and asked that I take it back. She did say the watch was nice but not for her. I get no card and a gift card? Who am I her nephew or a coworker? She tells me that between her being busy at work and all the other personal stuff that's going on she didn't know what to get me and I didn't mention anything. Oh and no sex as well! So let me see its now been one year that my wife and I have not been Intimate. What the hell am I doing wrong? Im angry hurt and disappointed. This just plain sucks! I should've gotten angry and told her how I felt but of course I said nothing. I stewed about it the whole vacation. Honestly why should I have cared she didn't. If I was a cute fuzzy little dog she would care. If I was one of her clients at her job shed care. Ive expressed myself to her about my sexual needs and I might as well be talking to a houseplant. Her answer to that was she dosent feel that way anymore and that was that. She smokes in the house and ive asked repeatedly that the smokes outsides and its like talking to wall. Again this tells me she dosent care. My birthday came and went and that was a disaster. It cant just be me it cant. I cant believe after eleven years together this is how things are. I want someone who misses me I want someone to wrap their arms around me and kiss me hello when I come home. Instead I barely get a hello in the morning and if there is a kiss its a small peck on the lips like Im kissing my mother in law hello.
Im finally realizing its all about her all this time. What she wants what she needs. What about what I need. I know marriage is sacrifice and compromise but ours is very unbalanced. I need passion and intimacy closeness. Not a roommate I need a wife and a companion. Not an adversary. I want to do things for her not cause I don't want t hear her compliants but because I want to. Tired of this crap. I keep coming back here and complaining but I do nothing.
harleyman2169 harleyman2169
46-50, M
6 Responses Aug 28, 2014

Hate to tell you this bro....but it isn't ever going to get better. I have been exactly where you are and even taken the same rides to get away and think. The more you get away and think, the worse it will get because at some point she will begin to think that when you are out riding your scooter things are better because she won't have to even acknowledge your existence. Sorry to be blunt but at this point you exist merely as a wallet life support system.
My free advice: GTFO while you still have 20 good years left on your lifespan. If your goal is to be happy in life it's time to shed the baggage of your dysfunctional marriage. Talk to a good lawyer, split everything fairly and work on your happiness. Yes it will cost you....but if you procrastinate .... the longer you wait the more it will cost you both mentally and financially. Good luck.

I apreciate the advice from everyone here. Im a natural procrastonator. I put things off till the very last minute. Thats probably what will happen here. As long as I am not pushed I take a long time to finish or even start things( as Im writing this smokey cancerstick better known as my wife is lighting up a ciggarette on the sofa next to me)
Sometimes it eaisier to stay with someting familliar even though it sucks and irs not what you want. My biggest fear is that I leave and realize I made a mistake. I do have to say that when shes not here I dont feel stress or bad about myself. Last weekend she went to her parents trailer at the shore for two days and I stayed home. I had a great time alone. I read, I watched a movie or two worked on some garage stuff. No one interruped me, no one stopped me to do stuff for them it was like a vacation. Arent you supposed to miss someone when they are away? why didnt I miss her? The next day I had to go down to the shore to help my inlaws clean the place out for the winter. Within one hour I was ready to go cause she had me aggravated.
Im thinking I wont be ready to leave untill some big argument when Ive had enough. question is when will it be enough?

You deserve more than that. Make a change.

Thanks I do deserve better. Part of me says to leave but part of me is not ready to walk away after eleven years.

Im sick of living with a roomate. we dont even sleep in the same bed anymore. How can she be so blind? Anymore I just work on my hobbies and basicaly ignore the anger and issues that we have. its stupid I know but its the only way I can stay sane. I plan to have another talk with her but how do you change a persons mind when they dont think they need to change?

I have no wisdom for you. But I know how you feel.

Dude!! Stop dancing around it and just go to Parumph, Nevada and get laid!!

Maybe it would be a good idea to look up Brother "ManMovingForward" and read his run of stories from go to whoa.
There's your future if you do nothing.
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Tread your own path.

Thanks Feel more like the caretaker or handyman than a husband

You still aren't taking notice of her enormous hints that she is not and has no interest in loving you the way you love her.

So what now? Is it even love she feels or am I like a piece of furniture here now? This isn't what I want and Its not gonna change as far as I can see.

Harley, unfortunately, from how you describe your wife and your marriage, it seems that your wife may love the money you bring in and the things you do to make her life easier, but there's no indication that she loves or cares for you the way you care for her. Her actions say that you don't matter that much to her. You can't make someone love or desire you. You can learn -- with therapy, self help groups and books or other means -- to love and respect yourself enough that you eventually will let go of a toxic marriage and thus set yourself free to find the kind of love you desire and deserve.

Thanks for that. I just think Im not what she wants or needs anymore. Ive been thinking a lot and I cant do much more here. Im tired of being angry and resentfull, It takes up a lot of my thoughts and deeply saddens me. I feel guilty a lot for not being a better husband but at the same time why cant she understand my feelings. I used to be happy. But these last few years have been wearing on me.

So heres more to add to my story. We had a birthday party for my father in law. Shouldve been happy but all i could think about was this is the same person who did nothing for my birthday. I know its selfish but what the hell? Shouldnt I be the man in her life? Shouldnt I come first? I can see now whats importiant to her .

It is not selfish of you to feel badly that the wife whom you love takes no loving actions toward you, but goes out of her way to be kind to others.

I hope you'll follow up on my suggestion to get individual therapy and/or read about codependency or get involved in an on-line or in person group like Codependents Anonymous, which helps people who are having relationship problems.


You keep pointing out how your wife's actions show a lack of love and concern for you. However, you don't seem to believe yet that you are right and normal to expect your wife to make love to you, to give you thoughtful birthday presents, to -- in other words -- do actions that show she loves you.


Your wife's actions keep demonstrating that she doesn't love you and will never love you as you love her and as you wish to be loved. You can't make someone love you. You can, however, choose to let go of a hopelessly dysfunctional relationship and set yourself free to be available for someone who'll love you the way you love them.


For you to be ready for such a relationship, however, will require lots of healing, and that's why individual therapy or self help groups, books are important. If you don't heal yourself, even if you leave your marriage, you'll choose another selfish, unloving romantic partner because right now, you believe that you don't deserve real love. If you thought you deserved love, you wouldn't think you were selfish for wanting things like your wife to do loving, thoughtful things on your birthday.

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