So How Did This Happen...

Hello - I'm new here.  Just joined up today.

I've been married for 14+ years, and I must say that at least 80% of the time I've been lonely and unsatisfied with sex.  I was always the one to initiate sex.  Growing up through the years, we married "young" (22 & 23), I realized there wasn't any communication either and that sex was just one area we are all wrong.

We had a child 8 years ago, which is why I stay.  Yes I'm actually using the "staying for the kids" excuse.  I can't bear to picture a life where I don't see my kids every single day.

I am lonely, depressed, and up until recently have felt too young for this.  I used to be funny, passionate, I had confidence.  With every year that falls further apart.  I used to fantasize about leaving, or having a relationship (yes that includes sex) with another man.  Now I can't even bring myself to that.

I think I'm depressed .  I am so glad to be here though, as I know for sure now that I'm not alone.

lonelyinmontreal lonelyinmontreal
36-40, F
15 Responses Mar 7, 2009

draumr I know where U R coming from !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It seems like you really tried everything, and I'm sorry to hear that you gave up and things aren't better. <br />
<br />
And you're right, if you feel all these negative <br />
emotions at the moment you do need to work <br />
on that. <br />
<br />
But let me correct you on one thing- When you say that you feel OLD and unattractive... You may feel that way, <br />
but it's only a temporary mindset. And it's not <br />
the reality an outsider may see...<br />
<br />
I'm a few years younger than you are, fairly attractive, amazingly fit, always had plenty of smart, sexy women who were interested in me and you know what? <br />
<br />
I think you look absolutely stunning. - honestly.<br />
<br />
You're a beautiful woman.<br />
<br />
Just thought I'd share my <br />
honest opinion...<br />
<br />
Have a nice day :)

I just gave up. Even before we were married it wasn't a big thing between us. We fooled around but only when I instigated it. I always blamed it on me wanting to "wait" to get married.... but once we were, nothing changed.<br />
<br />
Through all the years I cried, I begged, I asked what was wrong. <br />
<br />
Was it me was I not attractive to him. His only answer ever was "I love you and I want to be with you".<br />
<br />
We tried marriage counselling he skated around the issue saying always and only "everything is fine I don't know what you are wanting me to say otherwise". We got that ironed out in the counselling in that I felt unattractive and rejected and how painful it was.<br />
<br />
Nothing changed.<br />
<br />
Nothing ever would.<br />
<br />
So going on 2 years ago I gave up. I asked him to move out of our bedroom and he did without arguement.<br />
<br />
Sure the sex was good for the time it lasted but I began hating myself in the morning and it started feeling like I was just using him for sex because all of my other feelings had left too. The only thing between us is a somewhat one sided friendship.<br />
<br />
One of these days I'll grow the b*lls to just get out . I deserve to be happy. I know I do. I just need to believe that 100%.<br />
<br />
I have alot of work to do on ME right now. My self esteem, my feelings. Maybe then with some nice advice I've already gotten here I can work on that and move on from this mess.<br />
<br />
Thanks to everyone for the contribution. I really appreciate everything.

Well lonely welcome. Woman like u who continue to debate the lack of "connection' with their spouse have a distinct advantage over men. So for one count your blessings. I believe that if u stay for the kids (which is what I have done for 8 years) u will eventually lose yourself. I guess that u allow this to continue and tell yourself, I need to do it for the kids. The reality is that divorce/separation is going to be hard on everyone. But really what options do u have? If u stay u will continue to not have your needs met, so how long can u keep this up. If u take the kids then it will be better for you and more sable for your children. If u want to save your marriage then go to counseling but if he refuse then u know u r are this by yourself. So it boils down to how much longer u want to feel alone, 1 day or 8 years like me. I know we both put up a good front for the kids but please, life is too short to "pretend" everything is alright. Please think about what is best for u because if u make the decision to stay then how is this helping. Do u want your kids to continue to wonder "I saw Mommy with a real sad face and then she told me it was OK." Think about the long term effect of what your relationship is doing to your children. All choices are tough but u need to decide which one will satisfy "your" needs, which in turn will make u feel better which u can pass on to your children. So good luck with working this out and remember u can look outside of yourself (exprerience Project, books, affairs, etc for answers but the answers are really inside of u.

This might not be what some of you want to hear, but I think it extremely unlikely that men live entirely sexless lives. I think my sex are adept at finding outlets for their sexual feelings somehow, and in many ways our societies give them such outlets.<br />
Of course I'm generalising, but men do tend to associate sex with "the Chase" and I don't think it's uncommon for a man's drive to ebb once the Chase is over and the relative boredom of domesticity kicks in. It's a biological trait and unfortunate for many relationships but as a man it is hard to take the blame for it somehow. I expect that many of the men written about here are racked with guilt about their situation and don't want to hurt anybody - but they can't help the way they are. The trouble is that the gulf between 2 people will grow the longer they don't talk about it and this will lead to a lot of bitterness on both sides. Is the answer perhaps an open relationship, keeping the family unit together but having openly disclosed affairs on the side? Either that or, if there is nothing to salvage at all from the relationship, end it now for everyone's sake.<br />
<br />
Does anyone think it's better to remain single and just have "friends" of the opposite sex. As I approach 50 it seems an attractive option to me.<br />
<br />
Cheers

ALL I CAN SAY IS MOVE ON !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HATE THIS<br />
<br />
"I'd go out for dinner with the girls and listen to them complain how their boyfriends and husbands only want sex. Then I'd wonder "when does this kick in"."<br />
<br />
I HEAR IT ALL THE TIME AND WANT TO PUKE. When I do tell them my situation they say things like 'what is he gay", why are you staying he is not into you, guys that are into you want sex with you etc etc.....<br />
<br />
<br />
Like you I feel<br />
"old & unattractive, and quite frankly, wonder what else might be out there."<br />
<br />
I have looked all around the net and do you know it seems that 90% of the men out there want women 35 or below. I want to freak out. this includes guys welll over 35 <br />
I feel HORRENDOUS I live with a guy who has NO interested in even kissing me good morning and now I know that I am not considered an option to 90% of the men on the dating sites out there. <br />
<br />
I am 39. I used to be a model and although I am 30-40 lbs overweight people tell me I am attractive all the time and don't guess my age but I know it. I know the man I am with finds me unattractive.<br />
<br />
I really feel that staying in this mess of a relationship has ruined my entire self esteem not to mention life.<br />
I thought I would have kids with this man but that is not even an option or possibility anymore.

Well Thank GOD for this site.<br />
<br />
Like many of you I thought I was alone.<br />
<br />
I too am the bread winner and although "we" are a marital disaster, I do get to see my kids every day. He's a "good" father, but I can't help but worry one day our kid will feel the way I do about him. That he wasn't there for him, questioning if he ever cared about us, etc.<br />
<br />
I knew when we were dating something was "up" with us sexually. I blamed myself for wanting to hold off doing "the deed" until we got married. But once we got married.... it didn't change. I'd go out for dinner with the girls and listen to them complain how their boyfriends and husbands only want sex. Then I'd wonder "when does this kick in".<br />
<br />
I too wonder what would be the point in leaving. I'm feeling old & unattractive, and quite frankly, wonder what else might be out there.<br />
<br />
Some of my family members and friends I've spoken to say I'm crazy . He's a good man. The grass isn't greener. to all of them I think "well if he's so great steal him away from me then. get him out of my hair".<br />
<br />
Everyone thinks I've got it made. They don't know the 1/2 of it.

I am sooo glad I found all of you here. Until yesterday I thought I was alone in this too. <br />
<br />
I am in the "staying for the kids" boat too. I've already been through one divorce, I have three kids from that marriage. It was devastating for them. Now I have a beautiful little guy from this marriage too and I don't want to mess things up for him. I am also "financially handcuffed." I am the one in the family with the "good job" but on my income alone it would be hard to find a place with room for four kids and still be able to feed them all. <br />
<br />
Anyway, it helps to know that I am not the only woman in the world who "can't even give it away at home." Until I found this site yesterday I thought I was a kind of freak. All the women at work complain about having to fend their husbands off all the time, while I would give anything for mine to even notice that I'm still here.

Poor you, you are not alone. I'm in a very similar situation too. <br />
<br />
My husband lost interest in having sex with me 3 months before we were married. Still I married him though because I love him and we are good friends. Our wedding night was a total disaster and so was the honeymoon. We have slept with each other 5 times in total since the marriage 5 years ago. A couple of years ago we decided to have a child. Through meticulous planning on my side and sheer luck I got pregnant on the first try and we now have a beautiful little son. It was pure luck that he was concieved. However although it's meant so much happiness for me to have this child, I also know there will be no more sex now as there's no need for my husband to sleep with me anymore. I'm very sad about this.<br />
<br />
I have tried several approaches to get our life back on track. I've asked him to talk to a doctor (in case he has a medical problem), I've tried to get him to come and see a counsellor with me so that we can talk about our problems and I've even threatened a couple of times to leave him! But nothing ever happens because he always becomes too busy! He's very good at diffusing an argument or agreeing to a suggestion, but I've found over the years that if he doesn't want to do it something (even if he seems all for it at the time of conversation) it simply won't happen. He delays and delays until it's all forgotten (or so he thinks). Nothing is stopping me from going and leaving him but he avoids talking to me about it and I'd at least like to have a conversation with him before I pack my bags and take his child away from him! It makes me so exasperated!<br />
<br />
Wish I had answers for you problem but I don't! I've just given up! Lately, I've been feeling like I'm getting old. I will be 40 in a few years time so am thinking what's the point in leaving him. We are good flat-mates, good business partners and I see my son everyday. He is also a good father and loves our son very much. On a personal level, I'm not interested in anyone else! I only want him! so I'm stuck in my miserable life :-(

Lonelyinmontreal, I'm so sorry you have need of this forum but I'm glad you've found us. This EP forum has been a HUGE help to me in helping me sort out my thoughts, understand my situation better and start to plan for the future.<br />
<br />
Bazzar is right - there are many great people here whose insight, wisdom and compassion are just wonderful. And that includes the "brothers" as well as the "sisters"! One of the strengths of the forum is that both men and women are here and we get to hear from both sexes.<br />
<br />
Sadly there are very few "success" stories where people are able to reclaim their marrige and love lives to a wholly satisfying extent. I hope you prove to be the exception to the rule.<br />
<br />
Whatever happens, I wish you a better future.

Now we know why our parents never smiled....

Well, lonelyinmontreal, you won't be lonely long. Expect a heap of comments to flow in to your post !!!! In these there will be many helpful viewpoints, from people who are in very similar positions to you. Out of it all you will hopefully gather enough info to make some informed decisions about your situation which is unique to you.<BR><BR>I'll be the first (old guy in Australia) to offer, about 'the kids'. Just to say - is that the real reason, or is it a convenient thing to say ?? No disrespect intended, but sometimes we need to ask ourselves the hard question, the real answer might be "because I'm financially handcuffed" or "at this stage my self esteem is so trashed I dont think I can do any better" or "my family expects me to tough it out" etc etc etc. <BR>Wait for the comments by 'the sisters' who will have a much better insight than me.<BR>You'll find a solution to improve your situation, but it might not be 'easy'. Good luck.<br />
<br />
Ah.... ps I mean no disrespect to the sisters either, far from it.

U R not alone by any means !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Check out some of the other stories by people here..you will find you are NOT alone...You can find a lot of support here. Have a good day!