WE Need to Talk, He Said to Me

We tried to talk this morning.  I was at my daughter's house a week and he was home, alone,...  But there were no hugs, kisses ... just distance... when I first came in the door.

My therapist asked me yesterday what would I do if he started to play with my hair and I told him I would say "no, back off" ... but ... I didn't .... he pulled me right in when I went to bed ... said he missed me and I said I missed him .. mistake ...  he started hugging me and to my surprise, we "did it'.  We never kissed ... or looked into each other's eyes .. just sex in the dark, from behind, and stupid stupid stupid me ... welcomed it all with opened arms ... I wasn't emotion about it, just enjoyed the sensations that I have been denying myself.  Reaching for the stars and feeling so STUPID FOR GIVING IN...  My desires overtook my sensibility.  I found out he took a 20 mg Cialis..... he didn't tell me he took it, he knew I wouldn't resist.

I asked how it was last night, and if he felt sexual desire for me and he said, " the pill has nothing to do with desire" ...  he said he had an ****** with the erection and it was better than usual..   So we tried to talk.  I broke down in tears ... like a damn waterfalls...  my mom said it was healthy to cry. We both admitted it was relaxing not to be together last week ... he started off by saying I was way too sensitive about being yelled at ... and there were aspects of my personality coming out that he didn't like and that he was trying to relate to me.  I asked him why does he stick around and he said because he loves me.... He said he thought we were going to grow old together and I told him so did I, but we were growing old together, unhappily.. and why was it going to be any better in the future???  He said maybe I want too much.  He stretched his arms out and said we were both at opposite ends of the spectrum when it came to sex ... that I walk around talking about it 24/7 and he attributes that to my "ADHD" because when I focus on something I don't let it go.  I asked him how it was living with that part of me and he said he "deals with it", as I have to deal with some things in our marriage. 

He said I am "consumed with our relationship" .... and when I approach him to hug, or talk, it breaks his focus and concentration;  he takes things from start to completion, whereas I can have 3-4 or more things going on around me at one time.  He wants to go to counseling and said I seem to have everything planned out how it's going to be, and he's not ready to give up the house .. I told him I can't wrap my arms around the cold beautiful kitchen granite when I need to be cuddled .. He said, sorry, I don't like to cuddle, not my thing--   I asked for a reprieve ... can't talk anymore today with him about it ... I am worn out ... funny we can go for coffee together and then resume this life behind closed doors.  How can emotions be turned off and on? 

I have a vision and a feeling that I will be OK, but the pain is shredding me to pieces... God is with me and I believe he is holding my hand.  I am begging he hears my prayer for a better tomorrow.

Blessings for reading my stories.  Everyone has been so helpful and supportive.  You are all in my thoughts and prayers for your personal resolutions, in an effort to bring about joy through intimacy, in our lives






reflections3 reflections3
61-65, F
7 Responses Mar 7, 2009

Remember Reflections3 God doesn't make mistakes your son was suppose to be born and if he was another man's child it doesn't matter. I am currently babysitting my grandson that doesn't have a drop of my genetic material in him. I'm his Grammy none the less. I hold him and kiss him with the hope that Miss Bambi, my husband's late wife, can use my arms to feel that sweet child and love him too. <br />
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Don't feel guilty over what God give you. Feel proud that God trusted with one of his little souls to raise up. You were legally separated and you owe your husband nothing. <br />
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God be with you. TMN

Yes "TouchMeNot", he's taken a lot of me these past 40 years and I let him because of the guilt I had from having my son as a result of an affair, even though we were legally separated. I appreciate everybody's comments since sometimes I get so distraught, as you said that I am feeling physically sick. I am hoping this will pass as I need to stand strong and emotionally healthy. I still want to end this but he is pulling me under with the sex and being charming. He is a controller, so I have to remember this is his personality. I don't want to change him, I just want to leave.<br />
Blessings to all of you who took the time to comment.<br />
God is Good!

I have clicked on this story about a half a dozen times. I want to answer. I want to say something to ease the pain this man has caused you reflections3. He took something joyful and loving and used it to harm and hurt you. Don't let him win or take away from you. He can never make you less of a person just by his definition or perception of a situation. That doesn't make it so nor does his saying what he said invalidate your feelings. <br />
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You have thought long and hard on the situation while visiting you daughter and him having sex with you changes nothing he's scared and he's using sex to hurt you and distaught you.

awww {{{hugs}}} don't say "stupid me", you were not that at all. You did nothing wrong and deserve a loving hubby. <br />
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I don't like how he is trying to lay blame on you. And the "I don't like to cuddle" comment? wtf Please, is it really that painful to hug and snuggle with someone for which these things matter? I do things in a heartbeat for my h if it is something he enjoys; not always reciprocated of course (not talking only about sexual things here). <br />
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Most men can't multitask to save their lives, sounds like he's one of them.<br />
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You will be OK and actually I think you are on a good path. GL to you.

My friend, I wish I could hold you while you cried..<br />
Thinking of you..

Please do not beat yourself up or feel stupid because you allowed your husband to have sex with you. But it is telling that you feel this way. What you wanted were kisses and a closeness but what you got was him filling his needs and ignoring yours. For an intimate act to be rewarding between two people takes both partners wants and desires into consideration. <br />
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You could be writing my story here. Throwing your wants back in your face is disrespectful and demeaning to you. There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel a treasured and loving part of a sexual experience. Intimacy, when it is loving and caring, creates a bond between partners. Without consideration for a woman's feelings, sex is just a physical release for a man and the woman is left feeling empty and alone. <br />
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I feel your hurt and pain but do not allow his words and actions take away your love for yourself. There is nothing wrong with how you feel. There is something wrong with him telling you that you do not deserve how you feel. Your feelings are your own and you have the right to claim them as yours.

Where to begin. First off, his allegation that you obsess about sex isn't ADHD. That causes an inability to focus. If you even did that, it would be symptomatic of OCD or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. He's like my wife. He fancies himself a lay-Psychologist when in reality, he doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. I can onnly say this because I've bothered to read about both conditions. They are not compatible with each other.<BR>He is, by your description very self-centered and selfish. His opinion of you being too sensitive about being yelled at is really crass. I have found people who think you too sensitive fail to see their own insensitivity. I don't know any healthy people who enjoy marital conflict or even ambivalence towards it. I don't think he's trying to relate to you. It sounds like he's trying to get you to accept his abuse and just be quiet about it. Trying means nothing. In his own way, he's making excuses for his behavior by suggesting you're way too difficult for him to relate to. Pardon my language, but that's a load of crap. His comment that maybe you want too much also tells me he's selfish. He as much as said, I don't care what you want, I won't give it to you. i can appreciate your hopes it will work out as I too feel that way about my marriage. I also cope with the likelihood that she'll never change and I don't want to grow old with that. <BR>Don't beat yourself up for giving in to sex. Use the last experience to allow yourself to take charge. You can do this several ways. If you think you should say no, do so and leave right then. If you decide you want to, don't let him direct what happens. You lead him. Tell him what you want at each step. If you want to be kissed, then he has to kiss you before you go any further and so on. If he ob<x>jects or refuses, then fun time is over right there. I think you can see where I'm going with this. You have every right to get the kind of pleasure you want as he does. You could even start it off with a period of cuddling. It may not be his thing, but if he wants anything more, he'll just have to "deal with it." Hang in there dear lady. I wish you all the best.