Got a Plan

OK fellow members, after a lot of reading peoples stories, comments on my own etc, I have a plan moving forward.

I did something a few years back that I thought was highly honorable, altruistic and ethical .... I told my wife who was wrestling with various issues at the time words to this effect - -

"When you return to some sort of normality, we are going to have to discuss where we both are and if this has got any mileage left in it. Until then, I'll be your empathetic Financial Partner"

That was all very 'noble' of me wasn't it ????? But in retrospect, incredibly naive and stupid !!!! A wise lady only recently pointed out to me "You have possibly provided her with a powerful disincentive to do anything about herself"

Ooooops !!!!!!!!

So, part #1 of the plan is to get that offer OFF the table.

12th Mar is the target day for me to do this, and I AM going to do it. I have it all figured out what I'll say and how I say it. Purpose of post is to get a bit of feedback from you guys about the matter generally, Someone may have an entirely different take on this matter, and if so, I want to hear it. This is going to be a pivotal part of me moving forward, and where-as I am resolved to do it, I want to do it in as "informed" a manner as possible.

And who is likely to give me some straight up opinions ???? Well, that would be you guys !!

I have other goals going on at this same time (irrelevant to this issue so I won't bother going into them here) but the overall situation hinges on this "retraction" of offer. It's gone on too long and if not addressed potentially goes on indefinitely. Eff that for a scenario !!!! lol

bazzar bazzar
56-60, M
5 Responses Mar 7, 2009

"There are only two levers for moving men, one is interest, the other is fear", is a quote by Napoleon (I think) which I was taught by my father. My husband is attending counselling (our second run), but this time he knows I am attending a help-back-into-work program, so he knows there is a time limit. He was not interested in making me happy, but shows some fear of the now-approaching alternative. A tiny part of me hopes he will get his act together quickly, but I am a logical person (strange, that, considering I'm a woman LOL) and I don't see it being remotely likely (given the unstable results), so I have set the limit of "this marriage must be fixed or finished during this year", which he must have digested, as he has repeated it to me since, and gets uncomfortable when I do more, independently, than I was doing. Good luck ( and much more love) to ALL of us in the future!

You know already that you have my complete support in this. I have read your posts and we have emailed each other, so I know you are a vey rational and logical person.<br />
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But coupled with that you have humility, grace and empathy. I have complete confidence in your finding the right words and in dealing with the situation in a pro-active and supportive manner.<br />
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Your Financial Partner may find the whole thing very difficult - remember that you have had time to consider your position, prepare your thoughts and "get your ducks in a row". She has not had this time.<br />
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It may well be that she will get very angry / upset / bitter/ accusatory - you will know what sort of behaviour you might expect.<br />
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IF possible, try to be stoical and weather her response. Let her "rant and rave" if she wants to (at least for awhile) and hopefully once that is all out of the way, you can both move forward to plan your futures.<br />
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Of course I could be dead wrong! She might be cool, calm and controlled - I don't know her.<br />
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But I think this is a good step for you and I'm sure you will handle it well. My thoughts will be with you in support.

Dear Bazzar,<br />
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I note that one of the polls in this Group asked if ultimatums "work." (Poll first posted June 30, 2007; 299 respondents.) NINETY-FOUR PERCENT said "No"! Only six percent said "Yes."<br />
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Now, I presume respondents understood "work" to mean "spouse saw the light and now my sex life and the emotional side of our marriage is at least good enough to stay". But if we take "work" to mean "I got the answer I needed to know if I should leave my spouse or not" the percentage "Yes" might be very high, not 6%.<br />
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Good luck,<br />
<br />
TNM

Your analysis of the situation seems sound, and your next step is appropriate. Of course, her response to your "retracted offer" will invite yet more decisions. You have probably done this exercise already, but it seems like you still need to consider the endgame here: "what am I willing to accept?", "how long am I willing to deal with unchanged circumstances?", "how far I am willing to go change this scenario?" Anyway, kudos to you for being willing to take the next step. Good luck...

You are being very ob<x>jective in thought tonight.<BR>When marriages become nothing more than arrangements, I believe, we are only fooling ourselves into thinking it will ever work on any level.<BR>Motivation is a great catalyst. I am motivated to make a change because I am punishing myself by accepting the terms of this marriage, as laid out by my husband.<BR>You laid out the financial partnership plan and your wife realized it wasn't a bad arrangement. <BR>I read your stories and have an understanding of your reality. Your wife seems to play it low keyed and goes along with your plans, as long as there is something in it for her. If you feel this is the best way to proceed, then trust yourself and see how it unfolds. It's better than doing nothing while you are still so miserable with the situation.<BR>There are no clear cut answers or road maps for us.<BR>We have to trust our instincts and pray for guidance.<BR>Sending Blessings and Hugs