Do I Stay Or Do I Go???

It's so hard to make a decision.  Everyday I think about leaving, but when it comes down to making a decision, I can't.  Few reasons:: 1) kids  2) handcuffed, financially.

We met 15 years ago, dated 3 years, married for 12.  We are still in our 30's.  We're not 50 year olds!!!  From the time that we were dating, I knew we had problems with sex, or lack there of.  And who said you gotta have sex like jack rabbits to have 3 children??  That one time, once a year, 3 times is all it takes to have 3 children.

Sex is bad.  He was a virgin and I wasn't.  I know what I like, but he doesn't know what is good sex.  There was no passion, EVER.  He doesn't seem to know the meaning of it or ever experienced it, not even with me.  He thinks as long as I reach the peak, he's done the deed.  But, we all know reaching the climax is not all there is to having good sex.  No foreplay, no passion, no sweating, no skin tingling, no anticipation.  So mechanical, so automatic.  I think about someone or something else to feel the passion that helps me reach the peak.

I've never known a man with such low sex drive!!  I don't get it.  I did have sexual enounters and relationships before him, so I know I'm not the one with the low sex drive!! 

I'm not sure how long I can take this.  When we do have sex once a year or so, it just feels so awkward.  I can't even describe it.  He just feels like a roommate.  He's a great father and an equal provider, but that's about it.

I get compliments and feel attractive outside the relationship.  But that doesn't mean that I will find somebody outside the relationship that I will be satisfied either.  I am very, very confused.

ladybugchung ladybugchung
36-40, F
12 Responses Mar 8, 2009

i think that maybe if you created some space with just you and him away from the kids for a week or weekend if that's possible and be completely straight with him about how you feel, how this is making you feel, your wishes and let him have his say. Then lay all the cards on the table about the possible outcomes and he may agree to counselling? You can only try your hardest and be straight thats all anyone can expect. At least then you will not have the entire burden of the decision which is unfair

Ladyhaha, how do you get to be so wise at your age?!! You are SO riight!! If one (or more) of the three "legs" is missiing, the marriage cannot stand up. I really like this analogy and I think you are BRILLIANT! Well done.

to make a marriage work you need three things 1. intimacy 2. passion and 3. commitment maybe the three sides of the triangle were there to begin with but now onee has fallen the marriage is gona crumble, i nothing is working ie talkin about how you feel therapy etc then ultimately the only option letf is to leave.

Another good book to read is Too Good to Leave to Bad to Stay. <br />
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Living in a marriage devoid of INTIMACY (physical, sexual and emotional) can be heartbreaking, as well as lonely, empty and depressing. <br />
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I did everything within my power to show/tell my husband that we could have "everything". But he was so limited in knowing how to love, what being in a married relationship really means and what unconditional love is. I know now that he didn't delibrately hurt me, the man is just not capable. I have wasted years, pondering the question should I stay or go. I am gone, and I am still pondering the question. Don't waste too much time. Bottom line, if you are not happy and don't think you ever will be with this person, move on!

Hi Michelle,<br />
I for one would like more details onthis book. Sounds like it could be very helpful. Can you give author, publisher, etc.?? Thanks so much!

ladybugchung: thank you for sharing your story and exhibiting candor to the rest of the group. Yes, "kids" and "financial handcuffs" are serious issues in their own right, but also because they significantly complicate life after divorce. So you would be right to first consider the pragmatic and emotional issues that would result if your marriage were to legally end. <br />
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Seeking companionship outside of the marriage does not guarantee that your marriage would end, but it could. This is the risk. One could argue that life is too short live in abject misery. Perhaps it is better to risk being a single parent with a chance to experience emotional/physical fulfillment rather than the certainty of being an unhappy spouse with zero chance for true intimacy? Only you can know if the risk is worth it. I don't know what course of action you will take, but whatever you do will require uncommon courage to move forward. Think deeply, obtain wise counsel from those that you trust, and find the strength you need to take action.

Reflections3: I loved what you wrote - "Without intimacy, the marriage is a farce ... a make believe husband and wife who don't indulge in each other's wonder." I appreciate all of your posts. My own take on your story is that you will be a much happier person once you are out on your own. And I think you will easily find a good man if you want one.<br />
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JRSK007: Permit me if you will to add a bit to what you said. I agree that wildly mismatched sex drives are a problem, as you said. I do think that few couples will have perfectly matched sex drives, and over their entire lives to boot, and I'm guessing you would agree with me that it is the extremely mismatched couple that has a problem that may not be able to be resolved.<br />
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But I also think that the PRIME problem of those of us in enforced chastity within marriage is not a spouse with a low sex drive, and perhaps you would agree with me on this point, too. Rather, it is something rotten within the refusing/denying spouse. They may be pretty good people, but there is something not right within them in terms of being able to have good relationships, to be able to have Good Love in their lives. (1) The ones who have a low sex drive, have not the good character and loving nature within them to do what they need to in order to be a loving and caring spouse and do what is needed. That can include sex ... not as often as the sexually inclined spouse would like, but at least a tolerable amount. And ANYONE can give and show love with affection, and holding, and lighting up when their spouse enters the room. ANYONE can give manual or oral sex to their spouse regardless of their sex drive. (2) Those with a normal sex drive, but who simply don't give their spouse the love and affection they deserve, also have something rotten within them. But they can be this way WITHOUT necessarily having a low sex drive.<br />
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Peace to you all.<br />
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ladybugchung. The big dilema isn't it ?<br />
A good father, a reasonable financial partner, not too flash as an emotional partner, nor as a sexual partner.<br />
At least a couple of the boxes have ticks !!!!<br />
There are remedys for some of these things, depends on ones own attitude.<br />
Here's an example (not THE example, AN example) Some people, to get their Platonic, Emotional, Financial and sexual needs met, get lucky and find it all in one person. Others have different relationships (say they get their platonic abd financial needs from person A, but get their emotional and sexual needs from person B. Or any combination you like.) Seems to work for them.<br />
If you keep an open mind, you'll see some pretty handy advice here. There are many many ways of making a situation "better". Good luck.

LBC,<br />
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First of all, know that you are not alone. There are many of us who are in a marriage of mismatched sex drives/interest. It's not your fault... it's all about your spouse not having the same drive for sex that you do. <br />
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It's a shame that we're not encouraged to make sure our future partner has the same love of sex that we do (and maybe the same sexual preferences) before they become our married partner. It's a further shame that being a good lover isn't something that children are taught they should be when they grow up... we teach all sorts of values, but we never teach the value of being a great lover. <br />
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I don't have any happy news for you... your DH is likely to ever be different sexually than he is now. I mean there are places that try to teach advanced sexuality, but do you think he'd ever ever consider going to such a place.<br />
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I am in the same boat as you, I can't/don't want to leave my wife, and I have been sexless for over five years. I am not even suppose to think about sex according to her whacked perspective.<br />
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I have gotten to the point where I think my only salvation is to find a friendly lover. In my profile are so blogs that I have.<br />
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This mismatched sex drive problem is society's dirty little secret. But you'll be able to talk to us, a lot of us understand who share your plight.<br />
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james<br />

I've spoken to him about it, but there's always an excuse. When things were really bad btw us, it was the bad relationship. And then, he's too tired from working and the kids. Now, it's the financial instability that keeps him feeling the libido. It's always one thing or another.

How candid have you been with him about this issue?

No matter the age, a sexless marriage hurts. <br />
There are sources available through a therapist, counselor, trusted friend, and us here on EP. We have all walked the same walk and are arriving at our own conclusions on how to handle our situations.<br />
Some are worse than others and others are way past the point of no return. Without intimacy, the marriage is a farce ... a make believe husband and wife who don't indulge in each other's wonder. It is living with someone you wish would be intimate with you, but they won't or can't. A lot of feelings are buried and just not dealt with. <br />
For the refuser, this is not a problem<br />
For the one seeking intimacy, this becomes a nightmare<br />
Children and finances are real concerns.<br />
Sadness and Regret will occupy your soul if you don't do anything about your own happiness and well being<br />
It's a hard decision that needs attention.<br />
You shouldn't be choosing stay or go every day ... you are obviously not able to get a grasp of this reality ... and no wonder with your spouses refusal to identify the problem. This is very common .. for them just to glide along until they get the urge.... how unfair is that and how selfish,,,, well, very. <br />
People don't change, we change... Please consider coming back here often and reading the stories of others that share the same load. Perhaps you will be inspired to begin the journey of healing.<br />
Blessings Tonight