Mistaking One Problem For Another

Hi Folks,

I have been a member of this group for many months, but have not yet posted my story.  This is it.

I have been living in hell for over a year -- well over a year.  My wife has been absolutely horrible to me.  I thought I was stuck in a sexless marriage, and I resigned myself to it because I figured "for better or worse" and because of the little ones, who are 10 and 3.

Well, it turns out I was not in a sexless marriage.  It wasn't that complicated.   Rather, I was simply trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.  I didn't see the truth of my situation.

I see now that my wife crossed a certain line in her mind long ago.  She dumped me, mentally and emotionally, and irrevocably. All that followed was a consequence of that decision.

I don't do anything "irrevocably".  I try to keep the doors open. I allow the possibility for change and growth to always be present. For me there is always the possibility for reconciliation, for resolving problems, for moving forward...

This is not true of everyone.  Some people just slam the door shut and nail it.  My wife is such a person.  I didn't realize that until recently.

So, I don't have a sexless marriage any more.  I don't have a horrible marriage any more, either.  I don't have any marriage at all any more.  And you know what?  I'm glad.

What I have now is my life.

The kids will be fine.  I'm trying to get custody, although I do not intend to try to cut the soon-to-be-ex out of their lives.  They need two parents.

I just wanted to write this because I now see that we sometimes mistake one situation for another.  I have no advice to offer, no sweeping generalizations, no rules or guidelines.  Just one more story, a little more food for your thought.


anonymud anonymud
46-50, M
4 Responses Mar 8, 2009

Good luck and I hope you find happiness!

Anonymud,<br />
<br />
Thank you for sharing, have been wondering where you've been. You always had good, cut through all the BS, comments in the past. Your story does give one pause to think about if we make it more complicated, and there is something more fundamental at play, for whatever reason. <br />
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I wish the best for you as you recreate your life!!<br />
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Would be nice to hear how you weather the storm of transition, as it is one that many of us here ponder. <br />
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Your story is very sad but also hopeful. People who think in absolutes (like your ex are very fdifficult to live with because LIFE itself is never an "absolute".<br />
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I admire you for facing your new life with such grace and courage.<br />
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Every best wish for the future.

Thank you for sharing that. It makes one think about their own situation.<br />
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God Bless and good luck