Therapy Couldn't Help This. I Am Now Divorced.

I am updating my story because it helps me to write it out, and also because I hope someone will gain something from it.  

I filed for divorce after I discovered my husband was continuing to see the other woman - even while he claimed to be so dedicated to fixing our marriage in therapy.

He never acted on the therapist's advice to plan a romantic encounter with me.  He never approached me in any sexual way, even when I was coming on to him.  His infidelity was a shock to me.  I still thought maybe he was gay or had E.D. or something.  Nope.  He just didn't want me.  Three years of his sexual rejection, and I was still searching for some excuse for him.

I parked outside his university building all afternoon one day to catch a glimpse of this woman.  I  knew what car she drives, so I waited for her to come out of class.  She was a big woman with short brown hair and glasses.   I couldn't believe it!!! Of course she had huge **** (and probably low self esteem), and that's what he likes.  He had said something about feeling like he was in control when he was with her.  She is a smoker and has the same major as my my ex-husband.  He used to be a heavy smoker, so this was even more reason to be together.

I was relieved that I am much better looking than her, but it still infuriated me that he would betray me.  Despite all of this and his lack of physical interest in me, he still wanted to work on the marriage.  I moved all of his belongings into the guest room and got an inflatable mattress.  I told him he had two weeks.  The woman called him the morning when classes resumed in January.  I was getting ready for work.  When I made him call her  back to end the relationship (in my presence), he said "My wife found out about us"  she said (I could hear) "Oh, great.  You told her about us?!"  He said, "No she found your text messages."  Then, instead of saying "Please don't contact me again.  I want to work things out with my wife."  he ACTUALLY said:  "I won't be able to meet you at the diner this morning.  I guess I'll just see you in class."

I was so angry that he wouldn't end it with her!  It was like he didn't want to hurt her feelings!  So, that was the last straw for me.  I went to work and somehow managed to get through the day.  My dad met me at my house and changed all the locks.  I packed up all his stuff and my dad gave him just enough cash to spend three nights in the cheapest hotel (on crack ***** lane).

I'm not going to sugar coat it - the following weeks were HELL.  Even though I kicked him out, I was still in love with that guy.  Sometimes I still think I love him.  But, I was SO lonely.  We were together all the time.  We were great friends/roommates, despite all the dysfunction.  I started up a facebook page, continued to see the therapist.  I filed for divorce very quickly after I kicked him out.  We have been separated for two months, divorced for two weeks.  It is getting better.  The loneliness and tears and panic start to fade.  I still have a bad night now and then, but my life is better.  I am not financially responsible for him anymore.  I don't have to deal with his rejection.  

He still continues to lie to me on the phone.  He says he wants to get back together, but never follows through with anything.  He plays his little mind games, but they have no control over me now.  I am thankful that we never had children together, because that would make it a whole lot harder.

I still think therapy can work for couples.  But both people have to be truthful and fully emotionally invested in the marriage.  My partner claimed to be, but his actions never matched his words.  He has since admitted that he was never cut out for marriage.  He prefers to be a bachelor.  And judging by his behavior since the separation he is having quite a good time online.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to keep an open mind about the future and relying on family and friends to keep me busy.

Please, if your partner is not invested in the relationship and you are being rejected repeatedly, do yourself a favor and get out sooner rather than later.  If there is no sex in the marriage, check for infidelity.  Take care of yourself and your self-esteem.  There are other fish in the sea.

hypatia hypatia
31-35
6 Responses Mar 8, 2009

Wow...you are very brave. The raw emotions will subside in time. His blatant actions will allow you the good fortune of never having to second guess your decision. Good luck with managing all of the changes that will accompany your new life.

Yes...what Lexi123 and Enna30 said..it sound like his was looking for a excuse, and fianally found one!<br />
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It will be tough at first, but it will also be better. We are all here when you want to vent!

I suspect he wants to resume his marriage with you because his lover is now pressuring him to commit to her!! He obviously liked it much better when he had a "house slave" (you) and a concubine (her). Sorry to sound so harsh, but I think you are well rid of him.<br />
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Congratulations on sticking to your guns - well done!!!

Your update was meant to be for me and I take it as another message from my happiness meter that life can be lived the way we feel it . <BR>Suffering has no value and I now know that I am guilty of allowing my husband to treat me this way. Although he tries at times, I don't even know where that is coming from, and I we haven't connected intimately since I don't remember when. Sad, but true.<BR>Blessings for writing your update as we all look for positive signs that this mine field of emotions, divorce, can be dealt with, with respect and consideration.<BR>Blessings on this Sunday Afternoon from PA IN THE USA

My first word to you is "CONGRATULATIONS!". You are a super smart woman for letting that loser cheat go. Divorce is not easy, in fact it is one of the hardest things to do. It is much easier to complain and settle and hope when there is no hope really. I am guilty of all three :-( <br />
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I find your story inspiring. Good luck to you. I can totally see you happy in the very near future and coming back here to update us :-)

Great Story , I hope things keep going smooth 4 U . <br />
From a 61 year old male , who has been sexless 4 the last 7 of a 35 year marrige . Joe B. of Pa.