Update to Sad But True

I posted my story a couple of  weeks ago and was both sad and overjoyed to know that I am not alone in my experience.  All the emotions expressed (anger/guilt/frustration/self doubt) were as much mine as all the others here.

The most positive suggestion was to be open and honest with my wife.  It was a confusing for me. 

She told me that after sex had always been painful and she just hoped it would get better with time.   The only reason she had sex at all was to please me.  The intention may no be to make me feel like an ***hole, but it does. 

This is a bit shocking after 13 years of varying excuses.  I want to believe her, but it is hard.  My mind is filled with doubt.  Is this just the latest excuse?  Will there be a different one next year?

This isn't related to her no kissing on the lips policy.  That is just a personal dislike.  Although we did kiss before we were married and had (at least what I thought) was a healthy sex life.

I feel a bit betrayed.  Why would anyone expect a plutonic marriage?  Had she just told me, we could have tried to resolve this in the beginnng.  Outside the realm of sex, I have suffered both financially and emotionally for this woman.  Our children suffer mightly as well.  I've done my best only to find out that it wasn't going to work out from the beginning.

I've been stumbling through my days incredibly depressed.  My coworkers have noticed.   I have done well  with the children.  We spend more time together and the weather has made it possible to get out more, but they notice things as well.  Each has their own way of coping.  One acts out at school, one has nightmares, the oldest asks about divorce. 

It is all so much to handle.  I don't want to do it anymore.  I don't want to keep fighting though crisis after crisis.  Each year or two has been a different one with my wife and as far as I know, only one involved me and one involved the children.  The rest were issues she had before meeting any of us.  I am not perfect, but I've given more than any reasonable, rational man would give to a marriage.  I feel like a self serving jerk for having these feelings, but I am going to miserable if we have this situation forever.  As for being a parent, I am a single parent for the most part anyway so no change there.

Sorry this post strayed from the sexless aspect to other areas.  There is just a stream of emotion that I keep bottled up inside.

bigtony615 bigtony615
31-35, M
5 Responses Mar 8, 2009

Gday bigtony.<br />
Sheez you seem a bit like me mate.<br />
Some good stuff in the other posts, I just want to talk about one aspect. To quote you- - -<br />
"I've given more than any reasonable and rational man would give to the marriage" <br />
And, I'll bet you have too. <br />
Unpleasant realisation I came to about 2 years ago (coz I think I've been similarly committed in my situation) is, that even if its true, it doesn't matter a flying **** !! <br />
These situations do not seem to carry the input / output rewards that exist in other dynamics. They just DON"T.<br />
Whatever may come to you from here on starts TODAY, and past efforts made, no matter how herculian, noble or altruistic, don't count for anything (bar your own peace of mind).<br />
Good luck bigtony, suggestion, devote some of your undoubted passion and committment to yourself rather than the partner and / or the partnership.

Bigtony,<br />
<br />
Your post made me wince. It was so close to my own experience in some important ways.<br />
<br />
Stay close to your kids.

It sounds to me (amateur psyychlogist so please forgive me - but I do work in this area so have a lay person's knowledge) as if your wife might have some low level mental health issues.<br />
<br />
Has she ever had counselling? A good counsellor can pick up on this and suggest further treatment if needed. The $64 million question is "would she see a counsellor?"<br />
<br />
Yes, you have done "above and beyond the call of duty" - time now to plan the next stage of your life. Every best wish.

ME Too !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Buddy, been and am there, done and doing that!<br />
Take care..