He's the Love of My Life.

I saw this website for the first time last night and read, cried, and read some more.  Most of what was written could have been typed by my own hand.  The self-doubt, sadness, humilation, and anger; I feel it all. My husband and I have not had sex in 4 years (married 15).  I disagree that fear keeps us all from leaving, I simply love him and we have a wonderful life together other than that somewhere along the line he became asexual.  It didn't start that way, he used to get an erection just talking to me.  Of course, like everyone else I blame myself.  I have tried to remain attractive, weigh even less than when we first married, and have tried to stay engaging intellectually, socially, and physically.  He reassures me that it is not me, that I continue to be his world; but that he has lost all sexual interest  in any woman (and denies being gay).

Though it took alot of gentle nudging; over the years he has seen an internist, urologist, endocrinologist, and psychologist. He tried testosterone injections and the patch - even though his levels were low normal.  He tried Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra. But nothing caused him to regain the slightest interest in sex.  He offers to please me orally if I desire, but being serviced as such by a nonaroused partner makes me feel repulsive.  

What strikes me so desperately sad about this site is what wonderful partners most of you are.  Most of us do not want extramarital affairs, we want our loves to return to us. But I fear and dread that this will not happen.  Sex was always easy for me and one of the greatest joys of my life; effortless pleasure that could be as peaceful as floating on a cloud or as fiery as an erupting vocano.  Nothing was too mild or wild. This is one of the worst things that could happen to me, and right now I don't know what the future holds and I feel like I'm tearing apart.  I love him, what can I do?

Wildberry Wildberry
41-45, F
4 Responses Aug 15, 2007

It seems like you have certainly exhausted all the conventional means of addressing the issue, and that your husband is willing to make the effort.<br />
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Have you tried seeing a sex therapist at all? Sometimes the medical/psychology establishment is too focused on *disease* and *dysfunction* whereas what might really be lacking is the pathways to function...<br />
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Another slightly offbeat consideration - what is his masculinity like? Has his masculine identity changed or deteriorated over the years?<br />
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And what about his sensual self? Is he passionate about things that are not sex?

Wow! I can relate to your situation. My husband has been to the same type of doctors and has tried the same "medications". He has also offered me oral and I feel the same way about it that you do. It feels too much like pity sex and that is a major turn off. I have tried to enjoy it but can't get past the fact he is not aroused at all so I can't relax and wind up faking it and feel more depressed then ever!!! I also work hard to keep in shape physically and mentally. I have lot of friends but still feel very alone because of our lack of intimacy. I wish I had some answers for you (and me) but as I am sure you have found from this site you are not alone. Do you have children? I do and that is why I am staying in my marriage. My husband is a wonderful father and my children are very young. I would definitely have asked for a separation by now if I didn't have children.

You hit the nail on the head by saying this is not about getting partners for affairs, it is about finding some sense to a totally horrible life problem.<br />
It must be infinitely worse for you women, popular opinion demands it is the woman who is sexless and the man is always up for it.<br />
May I make small suggestion? If you cannot have cake, do not refuse bread. If your husband offers oral sex, accept it as a gift of love. He isn't trying to get himself into the mood, he's offering what he can.<br />
Good luck and maybe concentrate on the good thnigs of the marriage.<br />

I would never dream or think a woman would have this problem (I am male) . A very touching story and I wish I caould answer your question on what to do . I have slept alone for 20 yrs and no sex for maybe 4 yrs and before that maybe once a month. Stick in there and hopefully this group will help . Its my last chance