So very comforting to realize there are others in a marriage like mine. However, I don't wish it on anyone! I've been married for 12 years and we haven't had a true sexual relationship since dating. One night while dating he lost his temper because he said something was wrong with me and my sex drive was out of control. As he yelled at me that "he couldn't do "this" (sex) anymore" I lay there mortified and shocked. Then I realized he had previously lied about having *******. I was too inexperienced to realize that if a man has an ****** I should be able to tell. I'm not sure why I continued dating and eventually married him other than I felt ashamed of my sex drive and needs after that night. I began ignoring my desires and gradually they went away. After years of marriage and two kids via IUI I realized I needed affection and sexual satisfaction. He isn't interested still. After a year of separation and him quitting counseling I'm confused and feel trapped in a terrible marriage.
SCarolinagirl SCarolinagirl
36-40
6 Responses Sep 1, 2014

An update: we are no longer separated because he moved back in against my wishes. More confused than ever, but feel divorce is the only option.

We've talked and talked and then talked some more. The kids are the only reason I'm still here.

Not too confusing from the outside based on information you've put forth. Fairly easy to see he doesn't truly care for you. He is showing you based on his actions. Take them for what they are - a forecast of nothing changing any time soon.

I am sorry you feel trapped. I hope you find the strength to move on. I know it's difficult, but you need to be able to find the happiness you deserve. You should never be ashamed of your sexual needs, everyone is different.

You feel like you are in a terrible marriage for one main reason.
You are !!
But it doesn't follow that you are 'trapped'. After all, you got a reprieve through the separation so it ain't entirely unfamiliar territory for you.
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Be best to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to figure out just how 'trapped' you are, and how to spring that trap.
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Whether you do, or do not elect to spring the trap, you DO need to know how a divorce would shake out for you. If not now, then at a time of your choosing.
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Tread your own path.

Thanks for the advice. The trapped feeling is difficult to explain and partly my fault I'm sure some would say.

"Fault" - shmault. No value in apportioning blame.
He owns his avoidant behaviour.
You own your choice thus far to stay in the environment.
It ain't a matter of "fault", it is a matter of ownership.
If you "own" your role in the deal, you can do something about that, but if you adopt a 'victim of circumstances' position, it is far far harder to move forward.

I agree with you on all of that and I've always lived my life believing that I'm only a victim if I allow it. Currently, for the first time in my life, whether it's right or wrong I feel paralyzed. Everyday I'm hoping I'll find the strength I need to remedy it. Joining this group is part of that process to give myself the power to make a decision and move forward.

Are you up to contacting a lawyer in your jurisdiction at the moment ? Even this relatively simple step can resemble a mountain at times. It is very tough to "start" when your self esteem and confidence has been so belted about.

I did about a year ago, but only did a phone consult.

2 More Responses

Sad, familiar story. Only I've been in mine for 27 years - how crazy is that! If you are separated and he is still not working on his issues, then get strong so you don't repeat the cycle with someone else, and get out. I can recommend the book 'Behind Closed Doors' by Shirley smith. Good luck. At least you are separated, that's a step in the right direction.

Thanks for the reply! I'm so sorry to hear you've struggled for so long. I'm actually no longer separated. After 13 months he steamrolled me and moved back.

Read your story.. It's messed up about your marriage especially after how long you been together. I can only imagine the complications of being in a sexless marriage and kind of stuck together because of kids or personal history. I think you can find someone else who you will click more with and probably way easier than you think it would be. Don't know how you did it so long as you have. I live in a sexless singledomship lol, but that's my own deal..Had a bad break up with a girl and I never really got back my whole deal. Relationships are hard and they can make you or break you.

Thanks for the response! Relationships are definitely hard and I've always heard when it's right it shouldn't be so hard. Not sure if I'm a believer. Sorry about your bad breakup.

I heard all the stupid sayings too lol and I hate em all! lol. Make an account on a dating site or just go to places where the kind of guy you would like probably would hang out...I don't know. That's what I'm "trying" but I have confidence issues I guess you could say and that's like a double edge sword or double wammie. Girls hate lack of confidence but like honesty or want it and like a funish type guy. So when your sad and hurt its kinda hard to put out that image of the type of guy girls want or seek out. I fake it the best I can but then I think....if I'm faking it how can I be real or honest with anyone when I meet anyone? Then I'm a liar and do I hide my past and my feelings about my own past? And then if I do meet someone who I like or think is cool or pretty then what about my confidence issues and what do I do when that happens or if things get to that level. I kinda just gave up after awhile but I think for women its much easier. You guys just gottta look pretty and lay there and listen or reject a guy...Not too shabby.....ha. Nice position. Us guys gotta be funny, confident, happy, outgoing, strong, but honest, kind, nice, and goodlooking all at the same exact time! Wow! that's a lot of stuff to be!!!!! But good news is your a women and you haven't been with tons of men so your stock is GOOD! Cheer up! And you'll be ok. Nothing like a sad girl that wants sex with low miles. Do a profile and you'll meet a guy in a minute and not be grumpy or sad anymore or lacking in the sex department.