I don't realize some times, but if I catch myself still trying, I feel the hurt of rejection all over again.
And just this labour day weekend, and you think you are civilized adults with a past, I was playing music,
'Will you still love me tomorrow', I went to H who was sitting on the couch, let's dance.

He pushed me away.

Even writing this makes me very sad.

It reminds me of my mission.
Fmina Fmina
51-55, F
19 Responses Sep 1, 2014

Sorry, hugs!

I don't believe a man loves his woman if he cannot cherish her. Did your wedding vow contain the word CHERISH? If he refuses you then he is not cherishing you. It is a broken wedding vow!
You are a beautiful sensual passionate woman. You do not deserve a life without the beauty of deep kisses, romance and spiritual intimacy. Do not be captive to others. Don't live your life this way. I know. I was in your position a long time ago. Read my profile and you will know I suffered for a long time. Take care and realise your value. There are thousands of lonely men who would be truly grateful to love you forever!!!!

Jules,
I don't think he loves me either.

Yes, sadly many marriages dissolve into a friendship or a mutual support partnership with little effort and love. You now have choices. None are easy. You can try to work hard to fix the marriage or you can separate. The key point is you are beautiful. You have one life. You deserve all the beauty of a full and loving marriage each and every day of you life. Life is short. Love is precious. Take care honey.

There is nothing more to fix in terms of physicality and many times in our communication.
Even my daughter told me yesterday, she said, 'Mum.. you have to look after yourself well... because that man will not look after you if anything were to happen to you".

And that's reality. I once was so ill, couldn't get out of bed for 3 straight days, and I am a strong woman, but I couldn't even pick up the phone to call, kept falling into a haze of reality and dreams.
Three days I didn't eat anything.

He didn't even stop by to ask how I was doing.
....
so yes, 'OUT and over' it will be.

Wow!!!! I cannot believe that there are such heartless men in this world!!!! You are right to plan a change and your daughter supports you which is good. Do you know that even though my wife refused me sex for 17 years I never treated her like that!! If she was sick she would be taken to doctor, hospital, whatever. I will feed her in bed and bring her tea and drinks as required. There is no excuse to treat your partner in such a way. Even if you are fighting you owe it to give basic care to each other. I am so shocked. You don't deserve it. Please do not let this devalue your self image. You are so beautiful, you are a good person, maybe too good by the sounds of your situation. Please take good care of yourself and your family dear woman. Let me know how younger on. Ok?

thank you :)
you are very kind.

well.. when I asked him why he never stopped by, he said, he didn't want to bother me lol

sigh
lol I was very disappointed of course but the fault is partially on me for choosing him. From the outside, he is a kind looking man, with some big chunk of passive aggression.

But thank you for your words. As you outlined, our marriages may turn into mutual friendship but some things are indicators/ warning as to how much to go on...

To say he did not want to bother you in your case, sounds deceitful. With everything else it sounds totally disingenuous.
Don't blame yourself for choosing him. You did your best at the time. Many people put on a false pre marriage persona, then revert to the real self later.
Hold you beautiful head up high. Move on with confidence and courage. There is someone special out there for you. Someone who will give you their true heart and soul until the end of time. Take care and let me know how you get on. Ok?

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You need someone to talk to and enjoy. Add me, we can enjoy each other's conversation.

You shouldn`t have to be warning preds off !
I would say that if you were looking for someone to meet or become friends with you would be doing this on a dating website !

Oh, man! I know! I am going to vainly say... I am very attractive, as much on the inside as the outside. Not perfect, but was blessed with a body and good genes from my folks. My husband has a problem with sex, he refuses to explore the source. Although I have read dozens of books, I was able to get him to go to ONE counseling session. But he doesn't want to face it. He is the kindest man I have ever known. Amazing father. But my doctors keep telling me I am literally dying of a broken heart. I am getting physically ill. They have already removed a healthy organ, because the doctor panicked about my weight loss, my blood work was continuously elevated in amylase, lipase, gall bladder function was slightly low. So for fear that I drop below 90 pounds, when they had one test that showed my gal bladder was not functioning as high as a regular one, they decided to take it out. Then they cut and ran on me. I got deeper and deeper into my sadness and emptiness until I finally decided I will live and try to deal. Leaving this kind man right now, would negatively affect my son and the life he is accustomed to. So if I put my physical and mental health on a balance beam, I don't know if I should try to leave, or if I should accept that I may die of emptiness, but at least I am doing with good intentions of not creating more pain for my son, my husband, and also the fact that divorce will change who my son would be if he was raised in a home where he has parents who do love each other, respect each other and have the common goal to set aside our needs to give our son the best chance to have a solid safe home.

sorry to read you are hurting and hurting also yourself with your thoughts.

I know how that is. Done same to myself. This is the third time that I affect my health with my thoughts.

You need to get out or else you will die. I was there.
This time, I am adamant not to fight with my thoughts of starting anew. I am working on it, but I eventually get caught up by nostalgia. And my H would be considered a nice man as well, but I think, we are just meant to be married anymore.
Being friendly is a better solution. Friendly and outside the common roof will be better.

Barney, if he were truly a kind man, he wouldn't let you get ill and feel emotionally like you're dying because he won't have sex with you.

Meanwhile, it's time for you to love and respect yourself enough to realize that living with your husband literally is killing you. Your son's life certainly will be affected if you die or become even more seriously ill due to remaining in a miserable marriage. You are not doing your son a favor for him to have him grow up with an ill, depressed mom who's in a marriage that lacks intimacy. I grew up in that kind of atmosphere, and I became suicidally depressed as a teen, and suffered chronic depression for most of my life.

The last years of my marriage, I had some kind of illness every other week. Once I filed for divorce, I didn't get a cold for two years -- and that was due to having direct exposure -- lots of kissing -- to my post SM lover who we didn't know was coming down with a cold. That's the only cold I have had in the 2 years since filing for divorce! I feel wonderful physically and mentally. Even one of my adult children says that I seem to be growing younger!

"Indeed, a 2011 brain imaging study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences shows that social rejection and physical pain both prompt activity in the brain regions of the secondary somatosensory cortex and the dorsal posterior insula. And a study published this year in the journal Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience shows that the posterior insular cortex and secondary somatosensory cortex parts of the brain are activated both when we experience social rejection and when we witness others experiencing social rejection.

A small study from University of Michigan Medical School researchers also showed that the brain's mu-opioid receptor system releases natural painkillers, or opioids, in response to social pain. This happens to be the same system that releases opioids in the face of physical pain.

There is also some evidence that social rejection isn't benign when it comes to health. A small study in the journal Clinical Psychological Science showed an association between the beginning processes of inflammation and rejection in teen girls at risk for depression. And as neuroscience jouranlist Maia Szalavitz points out in a Reuters blog post, childhood bullying -- which at its core involves elements of rejection and ostracism -- has been linked with depression rates, crime and reduced employment. " http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/13/rejection-coping-methods-research_n_4919538.html

Screw him, he a ***.

I'm always here for u.

Thinking of you Fmina,,,, keep smiling :)

Thank you, love :)

I know my sexless marriage was caused by birth of kids. I tried supporting her during post pardon depression, in every way. It wasn't good enough. I stopped begging for it. Really hurt my feeling she would even spread her self completely for me, when we did. After first kid we only had sex cause she wanted more. That in itself hurt my feelings also. Was made fun of for begging. Though I don't see that. I was romantic, kissing holding, talking sweet nothings. Never on knees begging, till recently lol. Now I come out to find she been having emotional affair. It was gross, not even like a caring one. They just said how much they hated each other's spouse. Then just talked the most vulgar sex talk. Made me blush. No I dint check her fb or text message. There no relationship without trust. She blurted it out n showed me. It really sucks now. I can't leave without her doing guilt trip about kids. Honestly though she never loved, or wanted me. She just needed certain things. Money, role model for her son. Children. Now help with kids. This really sucks

This is sad. Stay strong and don't lose hope. You will find someone to appreciate you and your caring.

Thank you

Sad,
She sounds like she has an anger towards you. Perhaps she had expectations, she did not communicate or perhaps you missed what she tried telling you.
I don't know what I can say to make you feel better, but the way it looks, it does not look good.
So she admitted to her affair, but puts you to guilt trip for your children?
You can make arrangements for your children. All can be worked out.

In my case, I know... intimacy cannot be established again. What's the point staying together, to be rejected over and over again?

Omg no. No1 deserves that. Don't stay to be hurt more. If there no kids separate.

With my wife she can't deal with stress, and gets angry easily. She has diagnosed instabilities. I've been bread winner stay at home dad catered both her pregnancies. I always fall short. She never satisfied.

She gets enjoyment and builds her low self esteem, by putting me down. Lol she had nerve right now to say who you talking to. Like I'm talking to some girl. I started tearing up, showing her I was just looking for support in a tough time.

Besides what I mentioned, it has become her projecting her issues on me, and adding insult to injury, when she blows steam off on me. I know I should leave, but I can't stand thought of being a weekend dad. My son said this morning daddy don't leave just go smoke.

I left day b4 yesterday. She cried and begged me back. Used kids as pawns.

I made my bed I'll sleep in it. We'll actually I made my sofa, we haven't slept together for years. My snoring bugs her. Anyway,I hope I been able to give support as I have gotten. Thank you so much guys

When my mother left my father because he had a gf at the time when my mother had my brother and when she left, she took me with her.

She took him back a year later and he continued with what he was doing before.

When I asked her WHY she took him back, she said I would cry and wanted my father back.

If only I had known... I would not have cried.
That's what I told her.

I love them both, but I think she did not need to sacrifice herself and both would be happy the way things were.

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Oh Dear, you gotta get out of that situation. 😦

I wish I knew what to say. You should talk to him about it, and if he still shows he doesn't care then give him an ultimatum. This happens when the marriage is going on the rocks so grab it before it falls completely.

Surprise him and bring him to marriage counselling or at least a day out and show him that the spontaneity is still there, if he sees you're putting in effort for a happy day out then he'll appreciate that. My grandparents were like that for years, my granny was finally able to confide in me and when I would ask my grandad questions about "how did you meet granny?" and such, he would then remember the memories they had and they became closer than ever.

So bring him somewhere you went when you'd first started going out and hint at him "remember the memories we've had here?" etc.

Hope this helps!
Message me if you want to talk about it though, I'm a good listener!

Thank you :)
you seem to be in touch with your feelings.
All I want is that we can at least to be appreciative of each other's company. Not asking for more.

You are asking for so little, and you're not even getting the crumbs you're asking for. May you be happy, peaceful and well. May you love yourself just as you are.

I am asking little for the friendship.

Not as a partner. That chapter is closed for me. I hoped that I'd get at least some courtesy, but even that was too much for mister 'leave-me-alone'.

God bless you and your loved one.
Pray without ceasing, because it will work out.
If you guys were truly in love when you first got married, then hard times like these will only make your love stronger. I hope and pray things work out. Maybe he just needs more time. Guys are like that some times. They pull away, but if given enough space, they come back.

He is not too smart, I am sure you can find lots of males to take care of your needs/wants and more.

Finding wouldn't be a problem for me.
I am looking for a meaningful relationship. Not much asked other than some friendship, occasional affection and sincerity.

sounds like you're gonna have to dunk yourself in marinara sauce, throw on some shredded mozzarella, lay down some pepperoni for some attention around there. if this method fails, and/or when in doubt, rub some bacon grease all over yourself. guys love bacon.

lycheechan,

lol

good, you're laughing

sweetie stop torturing yourself. I've lived it, I stopped trying years ago. Some men just don't get it.

rileyty,

I will say, ai ai ai... lol
.. nothing works .. not even some simple dance. Oh well, it was one of many wake-ups.

I couldn't do it. Too much isolation. Just being pushed away is too cold for me to even consider caring, if there was anypoint in which both my partner and I truly loved eachother than that flame is damn sure to be rekindled everytime it starts to feel cold. Personally being pushed away is enough for me to drop the hammer of wrath down, but combining it with extended periods of sexlessness would envoke fury and not to put my opinion onto you, but personally I couldn't accept it was real love to begin with.

I prefer to take my sweet time before finding love, because that love will be genuine and will remain a flame that never goes out. Not oriented towards you but this post really pissed me off, I wanna smack H upside the head and tell em' to get his priorities straight.

Sorry, but that's my opinion...

Molly .. lol
thanks for slapping him around For me :)

I just pretend he is not around. I do my own thing until I get out.

ahh sorry your not happy/ isn't it the case with marriage though you get bored in the end.......maybe work at it?

Belgian,
we may lose the excitement to exploring, but once at it, the rest usually comes automatically. I mean, it wouldn't take me long to get into the mood.

But this one (my husband) is not up for anything other than going on a trip, thinking of his smokes and counting the hours for his next drink.
Priorities have shifted for him.

lol. pretty funny. You gave me a morning laughter, thank you!
The second is longer, looking forward to continue watching later. Didn't know the stand up performers. I occasionally watch stand up.
Thanks again :)
hugz

why stay

Because sex isn't everything, it's important, but if there is nothing else wrong with the relationship it seems silly to go

it is a symptom of other things

Southlincsman,
There are many who think like you.
But what is wrong is that I have not agreed to sexless and buddy marriage by seeking love and affection outside.
Just not right to rely on the years alone. Something's gotta give.

I agree, none of us entered into marriage ever thinking or agreeing that it would become sexless, I am sure if I had known I would never have got married.

I take care of myself and try to make myself desirable but this makes no difference, but every day I make the effort, always dress to please and smell nice. I would have sex with me if I was her, can't understand what is so unattractive about me that makes her not want me.

South,
chuckling at your 'I would make love to me'. lol

I would make love to me too and someone did with great desire and passion, but it was a wrong relationship. The hidden kind.
That's not good either.

I don't really want to go down the hidden relationship route, but it is becoming increasingly tempting, prob would have happened earlier but I am never in a situation where I would meet someone, anyway I would only look to fulfill the carnal needs, more of a friends with benefits situation would suite lol

south,
that's how it starts... you just want a little fwb and then things get complicated.

Trouble is it becomes a risk that's worth taking

That's how I feel too, it's like I'm not interested in just a roommate. Extremely frustrating...and he's five years younger than I am.

I agree, that's why I'm remaining in mine. I can't justify leaving a good man just because he's not interested in sex but it sure makes me dislike him sometimes and extremely hurt.

Not staying, mrmoose. Just working on my business so I have a more-less stable exit.
Can't live like this.

good, move forward, find yourself, then someone to be your partner, lover, friend

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It is a sad situation, and one I can relate to, I find that after sex I hate myself because she put no effort in and only did it to shut me up, it was meaningless and had no content from her side, I would like some quality and share the desire. I think sometimes I would have just been better to pleasure myself.

Perhaps it's time to outsource, find a woman who has the same needs.

I love my wife but am desperate for that closeness and physical attention, wherever it may come from

South,
glad to see you are wishing for yourself the kind of love and happiness we all want and feel. Unfortunately love can fade and the physical love becomes the expression of it.
Of course we love our partners, but it is not the same anymore, which turns things to lonely, unhappy and dysfunctional most the time.
We don't talk most the time. Perhaps something like, did you make coffee? What's for dinner.

as i said, sexlessness is a symptom of deeper problems

mrmoose,
at first it does not seem that way.
There is some form of resentment behind.
I recently figured what it is for my H.
He was holding a grudge to something in the past he blamed me for.

communication is key, more important than anything else

I think I definitely am lacking in the communication part...communication is very important.

was there for 14 YEARS

Well one would think so but when my husband seems perfectly happy everyday....we were getting along great then I told him we were going to have sex last night and he lingered and lingered by the time he went to shower I lost interest and told him to forget it. He acts like all is great today and I just dislike him.

Don't sell your soul or integrity for sexual gratification. What you going through is on par with death and cheating. Don't sink to her level and start cheating. If you can try and show her affection like back massages gifts etc. have no expectations of sex, you may be able to turn it around. My wife likes finding fault and belittling to fam friends, and people she has emotional flings with. So we to far gone.

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Sorry, so many of us who just want to feel the love and affection of SO. How did we ever get like this? Why didn't we know they did not have what we needed?

My theory is that we are such giving people, we were able to carry their load as well as our own for much longer than other people.

Carrying the load is such good description, westsider.
We make it our habit and as soon as we ask for something outside the habit, he is not willing to do it because it is not in him anymore.

oh... I know our sex will not come back.

I think he did love me in the beginning. Maybe 6 months. And before then, maybe another 6 months.
The rest became his comfort.

sad, comfort is not intimacy, intimacy is more than sex too

"The rest became his comfort". Words of selfishness behind the wounding of many hearts. We are the object of their comfort. They provide none in return.

Consider yourself lucky you've found an escape route.

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