A Random Fight

We've been going along OK lately.  We've been having sex. ... about three times a month.  It's not been good sex.  It's not making love though she seems to have *******.  She seems to want to make me  aware that she is doing this out of obligation rather than to make her happy, me happy or us happy.  For instance, her way of starting things out is, "Well if you want to you can." 

One argument we had, I had said, "We don't have a relationship if we don't have a sex life.".  This caused her to stop yelling at me that all I care about is sex.  She came back a few minutes later and said, "OK I get it now.  I finally understand."

So we start having sex every once in a while.  It doesn't feel natural and makes us both uncomfortable but at least it's a start.  She seems to have ******* or she's great at very subtle acting.  Only after a few months, things haven't improved from there.  Still, "If you want to you can." and if I ever initiate it's like making love to a dead body (no ****** if I do).   Her agreement to my advances being, "If it's quick.  I'm tired." 

Here's a random fight.  This happened Saturday night, the only night that seems to be available for her to have sex.

After the kids went to bed, she went up to the bedroom to watch TV.   She does this every night and if I try to join her, she usually gets mad and says this is her alone time when she can unwind ... alone.   I brought her up a drink that she had asked for.  She looked to be in her normal, "I'm so tired from the day and grumpy" mood.  So I just gave her the bottle of water and went back downstairs.  I knew if I initiated anything it would be "dead body" time.   The only time it's any good at all is if she initiates it. 

About midnight, I go up to go to bed.  The TV's still on so I think she's awake.  I brush my teeth and get in bed, knowing there's no chance of anything or she would have said to me at some point earlier in the night, "If you want to you can."    Once in bed, I realize that she is asleep.  I slip the remote out of her hand and turn off the TV.  As I turn over, I accidentally hit her leg with my foot.  She is half on my side of the bed.  Here's the conversation that follows:

Her:   You woke me up on purpose, didn't you?

Me:  Pardon.

-  You woke me up on purpose!

-  No.  I'm sorry.  Your leg was over a bit.  I didn't mean to hit it.

-  How come every other time you go to bed, you never wake me up?  You did it on purpose!  Because I didn't have SEX with you!  Well, I was up here waiting.  This is your fault you never did this time.  I was waiting and you never came up.

-  It didn't seem you wanted to.  It hasn't seemed to work out that well when I do.  So I thought I'd just leave you alone.

-  Oh sure.  It's all my fault!  You tell me that you don't like when I ask, "If you want to you can", and say you like to be able to.  All you do is critisize!  This is your fault!  Not mine!  Now your going to be pissed at me all day tomorrow.  Now I'll have to deal with your wrath.

-  What are you talking about?  When have I got mad?  I feel depressed if we haven't done anything in weeks but then you get mad at me.

-  Now your going to be pissed at me all day. You better not because this is all your fault this time.  Not mine!

-  Oh please stop this.  I don't want to fight.

-  "Oh please stop this!"  I hate it when you do that!  I hate it!   What am I crazy?  I'm crazy, right!?  It's ALL my fault.  I'm the one that's causing all this, right?!  It's my fault for this fight, right?!  Well you woke me up on purpose because you didn't get any!  Well this is your fault!  You said you wanted to initiate it!  This your fault!  So don't get mad a t me all day.  You said you wanted to initiate it.

-  But it never works out when I do and I didn't mean to wake you up.  I'm sorry.  Honest to god.  I didn't mean to to wake you up.

-  So it's ALL my fault then, right?!  Yep, all my fault.  You told me you wanted to initiate it!

-  I'm sorry.  I was wrong when I said that.  I was wrong.   I'm sorry.

-  Yep all my fault.  Make sure you get mad at me all day tomorrow because you didn't get any sex.  Make sure you do.

-  I don't get mad at you.

-  Yah.  All my fault!

-  Listen, it's my fault OK.  I didn't because it never works out well that way and I didn't think you wanted to.  I'm not mad at you for not having sex.

-Yep, you'll treat me like **** all day.

-  Please stop.  It's my fault, OK.

-  Do not say, "Please stop!"  What am I crazy!  I hate that!  I'm crazy, right?!

-  I'm sorry.  It's my fault.  OK.  I'm not going to be mad at you all day.  I'm not.  I never am.

At this point I went back downstairs and had a couple of beers before going back to bed.  The next day, it was like nothing ever happened.  I think I'm going insane but I think typing it out is cathartic.


g2400y g2400y
41-45, M
5 Responses Mar 9, 2009

Sorry, but she sounds pathological..insane...do your children hear and witness these exchanges...I would run like hell....being Alone...and getting visitation would be healthier ...sorry if I am judging ....but, I am

You come off really too accomodating of a guy, which is admirable given the situation but I feel might be enabling her, too. My gf has BPD. The moment she slips into lash-outs, rudeness and crazy-making, I tell her "I love you, and we can talk about anything you want when you're OK", then leave or if we're at night in bed, go to sleep. She usually apologizes later when her inner storms calm down, and if there were any real issues, we can then talk about them calmly, or at least respectfully.<br />
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One of my main lessons in a BPD relationship: acknowledge their feelings, but do NOT validate their faulty logic or unfair accusations.

I don't necessarily agree with the others. Recent information I've been reading about Borderline Personality Disorder sounds alot like what your wife is doing. I became aware of a book about dealing with people who have BPD because I'm pretty sure my wife has it. It's called "Stop Walking On Eggshells." It should be in toimorrow at my local library. You may want to check it out too.

She sounds EXACTLY how I used to be 6 or 7 years ago. I had sex as one of my "wifely" duties.........nothing more. I don't know what to tell you............ for me, it was drinking a bit by a bonfire, playing truth or dare, and getting involved with my first sexual experience with someone besides my husband. From there on out........ well, I now have a bigger sex drive than he does.........maybe...........lol.

Whoa. Seems like she has some other deeper issues. Isn't that "If you want to, you can" a mood killer from the start?

Sounds like a world class manipulator. Sorry, buddy.