My Husband's Mistress

I am afraid if I asked my husband to choose between his mistress and me, I would lose.  He is too tired to be intimate with me because the mistress exhausts him.  He talks about his mistress all the time and expects me to be engaged in these discussions and accuses me of being unsupportive of his love affair with his mistress.  His mistress isn't a woman, it's his career.  It has sucked the life out of our marriage and he sees no problem with that since from his perspective he's "doing this all for us and for our family".  I personally believe that he is lying to himself about that so that he doesn't feel guilty about neglecting me. 

As long as I continue to raise the kids, work full time, keep the house running and throw the occaisonal dinner party he has literally no complaints.  Why would he?  He's getting everything he wants out of life. 

I'm an attractive, athletic 38 year old woman who doesn't have a sex life anymore.  I can't degrade myself anymore just to get his attention.  The last time we were initimate I literally had to wait until he left the room for a minute, ***** off my clothes and basically ambush him when he came back into the room.  Never again.

I'm just sad now.  I've stopped wearing my wedding rings because "this diamond ring doesn't shine for me anymore" if you know what I mean.

The thought that the rest of my life could be like this is just too depressing to consider.  What happens once my little boys are grown and moved away?  Just me, him and the job.

mommyrunner mommyrunner
36-40, F
11 Responses Mar 9, 2009

Sorry to find you here, is hard place to feel unloved and unacknowledged. <br />
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When I planned for a tough conversation with my husband I read the "Difficult Conversations" book and found it a good source to remind me what I wanted to achieve and how not to get sucked into dead ends of old issues / sensitive spots. <br />
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Seem to be a lot of our group reaching "critical mass" at the moment.<br />
Just an observation, you seem to have taken a bit of a kicking as the scenario unfolded over the years, which insiduously relegated you to a support role in "HIS" life, so successfully that it began to feel 'normal'. IT AIN"T !!! You have heaps of things to offer, and are being underutilised and appreciated in this situation. "Junior Partner" in a partnership is a dud position.<br />
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As an obviously articulate human being, (with a sense of adventure judging by one incident you tell) you deserve waaaay better.<br />
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Love some of the practical advice commenters have come up with. PLEASE have a crack at it mommyrunner, for YOURSELF.

Are you sure he's not seeing someone at his place of employment?

OMG! Kungfuchic you are so right on. Why didn't I think of that?! Duh. No wonder why he has been dragging his feet, no wonder why he felt no need to change. How stupid of me.

I would suggest you have a few sessions with a therapist before you have "the talk" with your husband. This will help you sort out your own mind, get your priorities in order and deal with some of the anger you must be feeling.<br />
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All of this will help you to avoid WWIII! If you approach the issue without some preparation, you may well find your emotions take over and the scene becomes over-wrought and unproductive. (Well, at least that is what would happen with me!! Maybe I'm projecting on to you . . . ?)<br />
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It might also help if you write yourself a list of "pros and cons" about your marriage so that you can give him credit where credit is due (as in he is a good provider) as well as to spell out how your needs are not being met. This may take some of the sting out of the encounter.<br />
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Whatever happens I wish you luck - it WILL be hard, but it will also be so worth it. Good Luck!

Thanks for the understanding comments. Yes, I've been told in so many words that I'm the crazy one, I need help, etc. I used to be a funny, outgoing, exciting person to be around, and I tell you what, I'm about ready to find that girl again. I can live without the physical intimacy (maybe), but I can't live in a business arrangement so I guess we've got to have a "comin' to Jesus" meeting. Any thoughts on how to do this without turning it into WW III?

"kungfuchic" has left a great comment above ..<br />
In their lives, nothing is wrong, We are the ones that want what they aren't giving, love, affection, time, hugs, kisses, intimacy .... we are just part of the whole picture... part of the financial burden and part of the materialistic surroundings .. of course the kids are part of our lives, but they will grow up and eventually leave and it will be you and him and if not his job, he will throw his attention someplace else .. but not on you.<br />
Unfortuantely .. I know.. I am married 40 years and nothing nothing nothing has ever changed ... I accepted it for what it was back then and now at 60 am screaming from the inside of my heart that I can't do this anymore .... they are fulfilled, we are empty.<br />
They think we are the ones that need counseling, and believe me, it will help you to talk to somebody, us, a counselor ... because they will make you feel crazy.. Just yesterday my husband found me crying while I was making the bed .. the marriage bed that holds no love and ocassioinal sex when he takes a pill ... he said the bed was just an ob<x>ject and "you are ****** nuts" .... <br />
He will never understand me.<br />
Hope you find some peace

I want you to read this, over and over again, until it sinks in: "As long as I continue to raise the kids, work full time, keep the house running and throw the occaisonal dinner party he has literally no complaints. Why would he? He's getting everything he wants out of life. " <br />
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This is the key, right here. You see, they don't think anything is wrong, because for them it's not. They are content in the relationship. All of "their" needs are being met. It's not a good/bad, right/wrong when you come down to it. It's two people who have either grown apart, or who always had different needs and expectations, but didn't communicate those in the begining.<br />
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At 38, you are young and still have a lot of life and sex to be had. I know at 44 I'm just getting warmed up.

Nope, he didn't notice. I'm not surprised, though. As far as he's concerned, everything is wonderful. He has suggested that I seek counselling because he believes I am suffering from mild depression.

Did he even notice the wedding ring gesture?

I was in a job 4 12 years . In the beginning it was great , but slowly it got worse the more hours I worked . It was killing my desire 4 sex . I never know how depressed I was till I left that job . I don't know if this is his problem . But being very depressed and not knowing how bad it is will kill your sex drive . At least it did in my case !!!!!!!