Well, I had a therapy session by myself.  We were able to specify many things that have played at least some part in my dysfunction.  It is sort of a laundry list of eccentricities, but it really helps being able to read back through them and dig deeper between sessions. 

The intense pain is mostly caused by the inability of my muscles (and entire body) to relax during sex (which I knew before going to a therapist), and the ensuing activity is very painful and forced.  Therapist suggests not thinking so much (about life, the sex, or anything that involves my mental energies) and just telling myself that if I relax, it will not hurt as much or at all.  My doctor has confirmed that there is nothing physically wrong with me in that regard (apart from the pain of sex, which is VERY real, but not caused by something else), so hopefully therapy and hard work at home will be all I need to be better.

We realized during the session that sex scares and disgusts me.  The fear is probably from the pain I experience, as well as my constant fear of becoming pregnant.  (I am on BC, but life has an irritating way of getting around that 1% of the time.)  I do not like children, and at this point in my life, even the sight of a child repulses and frustrates me.  This, I think, I will overcome.  The disgust I feel toward intercourse probably has something to do with my past in the church, as I was taught with vigor that sex is dirty, immoral, etc.  (We were told that it was a good thing within a marriage, but it was hard for me to reconcile the two very different views on sexuality and how it could be both wrong and Godly, depending on the context.  The very sterile relations between husbands and wives at my church were less than encouraging, also.  No hand-holding, looks of affection, or closeness were displayed.  Marriage just seemed very business-like for them.)  The sights, sounds, and sensations of sex are never pleasant for me, and that will be difficult to heal.  Growing up with miserable parents did not help, either.  They really ought to have divorced.  I have had no examples of a loving and healthy marriage, so I have had to sort of "wing" it and try to overcome the confusion I had about love and marriage and sexuality.

We discussed my upbringing a bit.  I went to Catholic school, although my parents are atheists.  I suspect that the alienation I feel toward sex and intimacy began there, during those formative years.  My family did not discuss sex.  I was not ignorant about the subject, as I learned anatomy in school.  But nobody ever took the time to say anything about sex between partners, or to reassure me that it was normal and healthy and fulfilling.  As a result, I am very detatched from my sexuality, and am not even able to become aroused most of the time.

I have agreed to start back up with my anti-depressants, but only temporarily.  (I had an unpleasant experience with them, and really regret ever starting on the medication in the first place.  But that is another story for another Experience Board.  )  Between that and continued therapy, I think my moods will be boosted and my overwhelming cares will subside to the point where I can relax and start enjoying my life for the first time.  Being able to do that will undoubtedly help my marriage and our connection.

At home, things are perking up.  We have been more affectionate with one another, though we still have not had sex since a few days after the wedding.  We are about to own our first home, and I really think that this will be a great opportunity to get our sex life back on track--a new home, a fresh start, and a new phase of our life together.  I am determined to make sure this next step does not feel the same as our current one.  We will recover, but it is an ongoing process. 

molotov44883 molotov44883
22-25, F
3 Responses Mar 9, 2009

It's never easy. I can understand of the physical pain as I suffered from Endometriosis for many years and it's not easy to ask your very loving and excited husband to withdraw and get off you. I also grew up in a religion scarce family where my father was a catholic and my mother was a protestant and every religous holiday was a oportunity for a holy war. I have 6 other siblings so I know sex wasn't too much of a problem for them but they always fought and I imagine they always will.<br />
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Sometimes we have to stop seeing our parents as an example and the norm. My parents have done more harm to my relationship than good. I married a Mormon and they blamed each other and am always trying to get me away from him. I have to laugh as he has taught me so much about love, caring, and compassion. We separated once but now I am working very hard to be his lover and wife.<br />
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Sexually it's been 7 years since we had intercourse, but I will try again to be his lover.

You are doing very well in taking these steps towards your recovery - well done!!<br />
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Just a few suggestions, which you've probably already considered . . . <br />
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Have you considered a permanent solution (such as tubal ligation) to conceiving? If there was NO chance of falling pregnant you might be more relaxed.<br />
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Have you discussed with your doctor the possibility of taking a muscle relaxant medication to help make the physical process less stressful? It might help to do so.<br />
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Do you use a lubricant such as KY jelly when having sex? If not, I'm sure this could ease the physical discomfort for you.<br />
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Please continue with medication for your depression. I certainly understand your reluctance afte a bad experience, but there WILL be one you can take that should help rather than harm you. It may take some time and experimentation to find, but it will be worthwhile persisting until you do.<br />
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Your determination to resolve this issue and the steps you are taking will certainly reap you rewards. You are to be commended on taking such a pro-active approach.<br />
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I wish you every success and a much happier fuure.

It sounds like U have a handle on things . Good 4 U and I hope things continue 2 go good 4 U . Please do not take this the wrong way but , I have read some woman can relax more with anal sex because there is no fear of getting pregnant . Just a thought .