I have been married nearly 18 years.  My husband was okish in bed for the first 6 months but it was a bit of struggle to have sex with him.. I was a virgin when i got married, so did not have much sexual experience, after the birth of my first child 16 years ago, he stopped being effectionate.  I was too embarrased to ask him so i blamed the weight gain and stretch marks that he would not come near me.  After about 2 years he would sleep with me about twice a year that went on for about 3-4 years.  In the last 11 years his slept with me once.  His never gone down on me, never touched me below, never drove me wild in bed, very boring systematic sex, never approached me for sex only once after our weding night, has blamed impotency for his lack of effection and love, basically no effection, slept in seperate rooms for 17 years, but in between have shared a bed for only sleeping.  I have told him i want the truth.  I beleive deep down his gay all my research points to that direction.  I want the fighting to stop him give me an answer and we can lead our own lives under the same roof cos its not our childrens fault the father is weird or gay.  I will not bring them up in smaller house and no money.  He put me into this situation, i want an answer and he has to see the kids through till they are 18.  I am no longer prepared to play happy famlies for his double life, i have caught him sneaking around, he comes in early hours of the morning, surely his with someone else.  He denies everything wont tell me the truth.  When i spoke to an expert they said that he could also be having a long term affair, becasue like i just read in a comment everyone gets horny right?

He swears his not gay, and has no one outside, but why is he so nervous/jumpy when i suggest viagra?  His moved back into my bed, snores the roof off!!!!!  Sleeps with his back to me!!!!  I am thinking of finding a lover(s) on the side to make up for lost time.  i am now so pi**ed off.  

whyme1966 whyme1966
4 Responses Mar 10, 2009

ITA with deguaddog. <br />
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The truth sets you free; do a little research to find out what is really going on. I know you said you will still live in the same house, but imo you must know the truth. I hope it doesn't turn out that this entire time was a lie. <br />
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It sounds to me like a very unhappy and lonely marriage, I am so sorry for you. But you can turn your life around, trust yourself. You did nothing wrong.

If he is gay, then it's best you two not have sex. The same for an extra-marital affair. When he has sex with someone else, you have no idea who they are, what they may have etc. It's very true that you don't have sex with just your partner. You have sex with all of their previous ones.

hello whyme<br />
Sounds like you have a lot of boxes to check, to eliminate various causes of his lack of interest. Probably, after about a 20 yr relationship, you'd know him as well as anyone, and your gut is telling you "gay".<br />
Now I mean no disrespect by this, but in a lot of ways this would be good news if what you suspect proves to be the case. You'd know right now that the lack of heterosexual action is in no way related to you. And, you'd know that the solution to this cannot reside with him.<br />
If you can get it all on the table, you might be able to work something acceptable out. Presumably at this stage he has roles to play in the dynamic like "Co-Parent", "Financial Partner" and other things like "Trash Taker-Outer" "Spider Killer" etc lol, but cannot fulfill "Lover". Within those parameters your needs of say "Lover" "Emotional Partner" may have to be sought by you alone, in a way you are comfortable with.<br />
Have probably gone too far here, but ones gut feel on these things is usually pretty right. He cant help how his brain is wired and may be as frustrated at the situation - or aspects of it as you are.<br />
Might be time for a very frank non judgemental discussion.<br />
Good Luck.

This is tough. If he won't confess, maybe you can hire someone and have him followed? Or just set him free and live your life. There is already a trust that has been broken. It's hard when only one wants to try and the other doesn't. He isn't leaving you many options.<br />
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Take care of yourself.